It’s about F’n Time

I love sunday mornings.  I normally wake up really early and enjoy my first cup of coffee at the starbucks and sit and people watch.  It is one of my favourite things to do.  This weekend was a really tough weekend.  Not for staying “strict”, but rather tolling emotionally.  I got a visit from TOM and my cramps are so bad this time around.  I guess I can consider myself really lucky in the sense that I don’t get TOM as often as other women.  I get TOM every 45-55 days.  This is regular for me.  When I used to be in the pill, I would get TOM as often as anyone else, but I also noticed the pill changing certain hormones that I didn’t really want changed.  It always caused a tonn of weight gain, so for that reason I am not on the pill.  Once this weight comes off, I am thinking of going on Depo, but even then I am not sure. 

Anyways, what else is new?  Well I guess things are going ok with the boyfriend.  We have come a long long way since my last update.  We are still in the midst of working things out tho, because there is still that awkardness that is there surrouding certain subjects like “sex” and friends.  I guess that is somethings that people who have long distance and long term relationships commonly face.

So after being so inspired last week, I do have to say a special thanks to two people.  Erin and another person who knows who she is.  This is because they helped me through an emotional crisis last week and I really appreciate them.  I want them to know that they are indeed very special.

Friday’s WI was 190.2, so I am happy with that.  Not quite the under 190 mark that I wised for, but super close.  This next week is going to be even better. 

Lastly, I had tonns of garlic last night for breakfast, so I must go brush my teeth and get going for my cup of coffee that I enjoy so much in the mornings. 

Hugs to all.

Today on the way home from work it was hailing!  It totally sucked.  It was gross and cold.  Speaking of cold, I am cold all the time.  I can’t get over being so f’n cold.  At work I have a hot water bottle under my desk for my toes…and the people at work are starting to call me gramma!  At home, I sleep with a hot water bottle to keep my toes warm.  I had a minor gain today of 0.8, and I was so dissapointed in myself.  I want so badly to make it under 190, I can taste it.  I am feeling pretty crappy about the gain today, but what can I do?   I can’t really beat myself up about it.  I am changing tactics starting tomorrow.  I am going to stick to my proteins and one veggie serving.  I don’t know if that is going to help me kick start the momentum that I have been having or it will be detrimental.  We shall see, I will do that till WI on Friday.  If I am not under 190, I think I will be pissed!

Well it has been a while since I have wrote a post that is really comprehensive.  I guess I have just gotten lazy or maybe just comfortable…but no more.   This week I was truly inspired by a small couple of things. 

The first of my many inspirations is a really good friend of mine that I have gotten to know from the Dr. B Forums.   You know, this thing called weight loss is REALLY frustrating for some of us when we don’t see the results that we want to.   It is easy to give up and fall into old patterns because we are just not seeing the shedding of our layers as much as we want to.   This person has truly been SUCH a huge inspiration.   Her weight loss stalled a bit, and she was really really frustrated.  What has inspired me SO much is that she did not waiver.  She stuck to the program despite her slow losses.  And when the temptation is there to cheat, we have to remind ourselves, is that really going to help us in the long run?  Well this person had a fantastic weekend and saw a loss at today’s weigh in and absoultely felt GREAT about herself.  More so, she celebrated my loss this weekend with me as well.  And reading about her commitment to this program has inspired me to stick with it, altho very difficult.  So thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!  She also inspired me in another way.  She said she went to a yoga class and was discouraged by it.  I have been to several yoga classes and too many times I have been discouraged by it myself.  However, I am a certified Yoga instructor, the thing that discourages me to do it is my lack of mobility and flexibility.  I am sure many people who carry on the extra weight feel the same way.  They would love to go to Yoga classes, but however are discouraged because the skinny minnies are SUPER stupid fliexible and we are not.  So when I go home this week, I am going to start a Yoga class.  I am very excited about it.  The North American Ideal of Yoga is so fixed on doing the poses that it takes away from what Yoga really is.  It is a zen for the mind, an escape for the body, and a unification of all of the bodily systems.  It is a wholistic healing and meditation.  So when we lack the flexibility and see others focus so much on that, we get discouraged.  So, if you are in the Vancouver area and would like to practice yoga without the North American Ideal of Yoga, please let me know.

Another inspiration this week was another person on the Dr. B forums.  I read his story and I was so moved by his motivation and his courage to actually face what he was going through.  I guess there is SUCH a huge stigma on obesity that people who are obese or “fat” are ashamed of it.  This shame is comforted by food, rich food, mashed potatoes, cake, all the stuff that we want so badly to make ourselves feel better.   Back to this person.  At his highest he weighed 750 lbs.  Looking towards beeing bed-ridden and mobile-less he did not want that.  So he has decided to face that “Shame”.  If there is anything that I want him to know, the first thing is, I am so moved by the courage it takes and so inspired by his story, the second thing that I want him to know is that he is truly an inspiration to many many people.  You know, one of the hardest things for me to admit was that I was obese.  I had resigned for the longest time to being overweight.  I let it get out of control.  I mean, I am this big now, I might as well try to maintain this weight.  So I went from 170….to 180…all the way up to almost 225 at my highest.  I hate photographs, so I hide behind others.  I hated myself, so I indulged.  So I want him to know that taking that step is the hardest and this life will fall into place.  I hope to inspire him as much as he has inspired me, because, really, even a little bit of extra weight weighs SO much on our emotions, about 100X more I think.

Lastly, I am inspired by my family.  They are so proud of me, and they are there to celebrate every little success, and they motivate me when things get difficult.  This weekend, being at home with my family, my mother actually cooked seperately for me than the rest of the family, because she was so encouraging.  She read the lables on everything she used in cooking for me and paid so much extra attention to what she was making for me.  If you read my posts before I was having issues with bowel movements, and she went out and got me some natural herbs to help things move along.  My family is such an inspiration for me, it is hard to let them down…so I won’t and I will continue on this journey.

Happy Easter everybody.  What a fantastic way to celebrate the coming of spring and the “new me”.  I think everybody should celebrate the “New Me”….because here we are posting our little hearts out trying to be better people, more healthy, more happy and more inspired than we have ever been.  So I am celebrating the “New Me”.

March 21st also marks the Spring Solctice.  In our tradition, March 21st is our New Year, and for the first time, I am SO grateful for this year and all it has to bring.

Ok, so on to more juicy details on me.  The poop problem has seemed to “regulate” itself.  I am taking some all natural stuff.  Yesterday was the first day that I took it and I had cramps really bad, I guess because my system was just adjusting to it.  Today it was a whole lot better.

On the boyfriend front:  Well we haven’t spoken since Tuesday night, well we spoke briefly on Thursday, but it was a 2 minute conversation.  So we shall see when I get back what the deal is with him.  I am really hoping that he realises how much he has missed me in the last week. 

Ok, for everyone that has been following along, I have had some gastronomic issues.  So last night I took Magnesium Citrate.  Wow, that is dynamite stuff.  No loss today but I am happy to get rid of my issues.  So that is the celebration from the weekend.  On the downside, now I have to be really careful as to what I eat to make sure I am getting enough fibre in my diet.  I am going to start on the metamucil today or tomorrow again.  I just need to get my H2O up a little bit.  Today I am going to try to drink at least 4 L of water.  Need to keep things moving!

On the BF situation:  Again, still a mangled mess.  So close to calling it quits.  It might be a good thing.  Even though I love him dearly, I can’t keep going on like this.  We shall see what happens. 

Thank you for all the suggestions.  I am going to go out today and start with some metamucil caplets.  It is probably going to be the best thing for me….last night was a disaster.  My stomach hurt sooooooooo badly.  I took another two senekot and did some reading online.  I think the metamucil caplets will be great help.  Well at least I hope they will. 

On the boyfriend situation:  Wow, we both have a lot of work to do as far as our relationship goes.  He dosen’t like the fact that I am making him choose between me and Michelle (the other girl).  He says that it is completely innocent, and I do believe him, but I really don’t like her and how much she imposes on our relationship.   She has this lack of understanding.  Now I feel bad, and he feels bad, and it is not a good situation.  I have asked him to make a choice…a clear choice…however he feels that he should not have to, and I don’t like it when they are together.   What to do??  Seriously??

That is the shot version of it.  But alas…. On another note, I really loathe my bathroom scale.  It is never accurate.  I think I am going to purchase an accurate one today.   Maybe that will help.

OMG OMG OMG!!! I purchased new jeans today!! Size 16!!!  :O)

Cheers.

Ok, so I guess I should be really greatful.  My last weeks loss was about 3.2 lbs.  I would have liked to see more, but I still have one more Weigh In on Monday to count it for a week.  We shall see what Monday Brings.  This weekend is going to be a good one.  I can feel it.  Tonight I am going to make a nice big salad and play some Wii!!! I am very excited! 

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.  :) 

Oh yeah, the boyfriend situation:  Just to keep those reading my blog updated, is a mangled, mangled mess!!  Not sure what to do. 

Oh yeah, and I am down to 197.8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ok, so I am nervous to go to the clinic tomorrow.  I don’t want an up day and I don’t want a small down day.  I want a FANTASTIC day.  Is that too much to ask?  I guess I set my expectations high the first week when I lost 9 lbs!!!  Now I know that a majority of that was water weight and my glycogen reserves, but come on….I have hardly seen a significan loss since.  I test my urine every day (an hour after each meal and even more sometimes) because I am so nervous of falling out of ketosis.  The other thing about it is that…well, I just see people in the program passing me by!  I mean I hate being slow.  I guess that is also a bit of the competitive side and the jealousy coming out in myself.  I mean I should be grateful for any kind of loss I show right?  I should.

ANXIOUS!!!!  I am also anxious.  I am not sure this is the place to vent about such petty things like boyfriend problems.  But he has a best friend….(we are doing a long distance relationship)….and his best friend is a girl who just won’t give up.  She has little to no respect of our relationship, and she crosses the line frequently, and he dosen’t see it.  She imposes on his time, and tonight he is over at her house!!! I just want to eat everything in sight!  Really?  Is it too much to ask to separate himself from his friend while we repair our relationship which is in desperate need of reparation?  I guess it is, because he can’t.  I just don’t get it.  Maybe it is the long distance thing, maybe it is my insecurities, maybe it is a mix of both, but it gives me severe anxiety.

WATER!!! Oh my goodness, I can’t seem to drink anymore water.  I know I have still another liter to drink before I go to bed, but I don’t wanna!!! I just don’t wanna!!! NO MORE WATER.  And I hate the flavour of crystal lite, I already drank a caffine free diet coke today, and a cup of coffee….but I don’t want anymore water, and I know my body needs it, especially today….as my previous post had mentioned, pooping was a problem, so I took two senekot…oh boy did that wreak havoc on my system as I got the runs.  So I am probably dehydrated and a little bit stressed over the boyfriend situation, and to boot I lost my keys this evening.  I turned my house upside down….only to find them under my lunch bag, which I might add:  I picked up about 4 times to look inside of it.  Unreal.

On a plus note, people are starting to notice the weight loss.  Mind you, I have told everyone I know about the diet and what I am doing.  It is so worth it.  If you have a Dr. Bernstein clinic near you, seriously if you are having troubles taking off the pounds, this will be the BEST thing ever.  Then after when you go onto Maintanance, you can do WW core, which I know a lot of people have done and managed to keep the weight off.

Anyways, that is my vent for the day.  I will try to gulp down some water….I might even go out and get some dieters tea as I heard that helps with the regularity.  Ugh, I am still frustrated and fuming!

So like many people being regular every day is a wonderful thing that we take for granted.  I mean it is stinky, and gross, but there is some sort of satisfaction that we get once it is over with.  A relief as some may call it.  I had not “gone” in 4 days!! 4 days!! From a person who was regular, more than once a day sometimes, it had been 4 days!!!  So last night I took 2 senekot.  I literally woke up this morning dying of pain.  I had stomach cramps soooooooooooo bad!!  The good thing it, it all “worked out” ok, the tough part is the stomach cramps.  They are litterally unbearable.  Anybody have any ideas on regularity? 

Ok, ok, so I know that this is not really a place to share prayers.  I mean, what do prayers have to do with getting healthy?  Really I am the last person to post prayers.  Seriously, look at the title of this blog.  I have never been super religious.  Rather, I would say that I am more spiritual.  So Chris…who also happens to be the love of my life suggested putting up prayers of gratitude.   I feel like when we are grateful for things, we feel more satisfied with our lives, and that satisfaction can fill the stomach of anyone looking to replace that with food! 

So part of this journey is not only a change in lifestyle, but rather a change in spirit, in the soul.  I guess I am not looking for validation of what I eat but rather how I feel about eating.  I see this so often, and I have fallen into that trap so often myself, that when we feel anything, we eat.  A Celebration is followed by cake, a heartache is followed by comfort food like mashed potatoes.  Why do we feel that when we feel any type of emotion we need to eat?  More so, why do I feel that way?  Well I guess because rather than looking at the gratitude it is to replace that emotion with food!  Well here is some cake for the soul. 

So here are my prayers of gratitude:

I am grateful for Love.  Henry Ward Beecher once said:  I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love.  I am grateful for the love of my parents.  Both of them.  My father who in the past has chastized me about everything I have done loves me more than life itself now.  I see how my actions make him feel, I see how his actions make me feel.  A daughter/father love to me right now is one of the most important relationships one can have, and I love my father so terribly much.  I also have the love of my life.  He has taught me how to love without expectation.  I would give anything for him to feel the happiness he deserves, at any cost….because one can not love half way, one loves all the way.  A love this deep is all or nothing, and I give my all to him.  Everyday, I thank God, the stars….the universe for him.

 I am also grateful for the strength it takes to do this.  For the first time in my life, I have found strength to actually stick to a program (I hate the word diet) and see it through.  So, I am SO grateful for that.  It has been three weeks and I still have not waivered.  I have felt so many times like I wanted to bust out and eat a pound of chocolate, which was quickly satisfied with some strawberries and walden farms zero calorie chocolate syrup (TRULY AMAZING STUFF!).  So I am grateful for the strength that I have found from deep within me to FINALLY do this for myself.

I am grateful for inspiration.  I get inspired everyday from all of your blogs as well as from the people on the forums (that I have posted up in a previous post).  I am grateful for the inspiration from my parents, they are so proud of me, and they are so encouraging that it is inspiring.  Even my friends inspire me, because they push me to do this, and do my best.  One of them even surprised me the other day, and it felt amazing.  Thank you for inspiration.

For now, I will leave it at that.  :) 

Have a wonderful day!

Cheers.