It’s about F’n Time

So here we are in the middle of the week.  Life in my world is kind of blah.  I guess I am just complacent with the way things are going.  I am eating on plan, and I have not strayed.  I have worked too hard to stray, but I guess my motivation is slowly running out of patience.  I mean, i don’t want to go to the clinic, in fact, I have not been since last week.  I haven’t written in my diet sheet for about a week, and the nurses at the clinic are going to FREAK, but I will write in it, fill it up like a good girl.  I know i have not cheated, but I just have no motivation to write on my diet sheet, go to the clinic, face the morning, wake up in the morning, go to my aquafit class, or anything.

 On the plus side, this morning as I was getting water, a girl came up to me and was like WOW, you have lost a tonne of weight in the last little bit.  You are doing amazing.  It felt good, but still not good enough to get the motivation up. 

Shopping this weekend was fun, but I am frustrated that I can’t quite fit into a Large at “regular” clothing stores, and an xl is a tad too big.  I am frustrated that I look frumpy in everything, a lot less frumpy than before.  I am frustrated that I have to spend some money on new clothes that I will grow out of, however the thought of buying bras at the VV boutique is not appealing to me in the least, and the thought of spending like $25/bra is not appealing to me either, because I know in a month I will have to get new one’s!  Ugh. 

A birthday coming up soon: 27.  27….old enough to know better, and not anymore young enough to care!  I have to grow up.  I don’t wanna.

And there we have it, a follow up.  Someone reach out and pull me out of this abyss of complacency! 

So minus the Beer and Pizza part, my hockey team is doing AM-A-ZING!!!  They are first in the eastern conference and game seven was pheonominal.  But alas I did not have been and pizza. 

 I am 175.2 as of today.  HOOORAY!! that is 41 lbs down.  Which is GREAT!  I am feeling better, still really groggy in the mornings, but that is due to the sedatives I am taking to help me sleep at night.  Last night, my neighbours motion light was on ALL NIGHT, so it was shining through my window.  Not cool at all. 

Here is another not cool thing!  This guy I work with, he weighs probably more than 300 lbs. (without a doubt).  So one of my best friends at work and I were talking yesterday, and he has the odasity to say that the program that I am on is unhealthy.  You know what is unhealthy?  Being over 300 lbs.  So my weight loss is coming along quicker, but there are caviats to that.  I am doing a MEDICALLY supervised weight loss program.  This means I see a nurse three times a week, it also means that I see a doctor ever other week.  I have my blood pressure, and blood work done every month and all aspects of this diet are medically supervised to ensure that the weight comes off quickly and safely.   The most amazing trasformation that I have seen since I started this program is the transformation in my eating behaviours.  I know when I am hungry, and I know when I am full.

Anyways, sorry for venting.  I have had a really rough week and it keeps getting worse.   Welcome to the shit show.  

Hi, sorry I have been MiA for the last little bit.  I guess I am just frustrated with everything, and coming to the end of my rope with things.

 So here is the skinny: (no pun intended).  I have started a very low carb (even lower than normal on 100% strict) diet.  I have also started aquafit.  Yeah, aquafit.  That is right, it is the dreaded E word.  So I started last week and I am slowly getting better at it, but the next day it feels like my muscles are REVOLTING against me.  Seriously REVOLTING!  They ache, I am exhausted, I am dizzy and weak, and I hate excersise.  This is ridiculous. 

My body continues to revolt against me.  I have a severe allergy to excercise.

So I admit, it is easy to lose faith every now and then…and you know, I lost faith in myself to make my goal weights, as I have fallen behind…

but i need to have more faith in myself.  And that, I will.  I hope to see the scale move a little bit to the right tomorrow (which means the weight is going down!)

This is unreal!! I am starting to get frustrated with the process.  It is rediculous and I just need to vent.  I am in a very loathing mood right now.  I loathe people who can eat everything and maintain a healthy weight.  I loath people who eat MacDicks, because I am craving it pretty bad, and I really honestly think that stuff is disguisting, but I just crave it!!  I am craving chocolate…lots of it.  I am craving BREAD.  I dream of BREAD.  I am craving Poatoes.  I am loathing tuna, and I am loathing myself.

The end.  Done venting.  Maybe I will feel better tomorrow or even tonight!  Maybe I won’t.  Maybe I am bitter, Maybe I am just tired of dieting.  Either way….AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So Friday’s are most people’s favorite day of the week.  Mine happens to be Thursday.  However this morning I had a little bounce in my step when I woke up.  Partly because I didn’t sleep an wink last night and I was wide awake till all hours of the morning.  But that didn’t deter me from waking up and going to the clinic to get weighed in.  HA!  Fat chance.  I have been notorious for leaving the lights on in my car.  This of course drains the battery.  Well guess what I did last night?  Yep…I left the lights on.  So it put a damper in what started out to be an kind of ok morning.  I had every intention of going to the clinic, but due to the fact that I had to wait for a boost and make my way to work I missed that chance.  Oh well!!!  So as I am riding to work, the coffee is tasting yummier than ever…great music is playing on the radio….but I get hit with this WALL of exhaust!  Didn’t really sleep well last night….

 Lets rewind to yesterday.  Yesterday, I check our Vacation Booking Tool to double check my Vacation!! THANK GOD I CHECKED, but oh My Goodness, I booked the wrong vacation.  I booked the week after the actual week I wanted.  So I had a mini panic attack yeterday.  I go to my manager (who sometimes lets things fall by the wayside) and tell him of my MISTAKE, and he proceeds to tell me that I may not get the week I want off, because it is fully booked and we are launching a new system that week.  Of course I am freaking out!!!  I have booked my airline ticket already, and to change it by a week would cost me the equivalent of a brand new airline ticket.  2 years in a row I have made this silly mistake!  Next year I VOW not to!  So of course I don’t sleep all night, thinking what am I going to do???  Well today things found a way of working themselves out.  I just hope the universe works like this for me more often and the universe will work all the huge changes in my life out.

So no weigh in, no news…but I feel better just venting a little bit.

 Oops, I forgot my Friday 5 this week!!!  Here it is:  What are 5 of your favourite dishes to make?

1. Spinach and sole curry

2. Home made Bruschetta

3. I can’t believe it’s not butter chicken

4. Pho (Vietnamese Soup!)

5. Strawberry Bran Muffins

Seriously, two blog entries today?  Well I guess it is due to the fact that I have a lot to say, and so little time to put it all on paper.  My friends seriously call me a Fashion Faux Pas…well it is because my size 18-20 jeans do NOT fit me anymore.  Actually a size 16 is too big…I just purchased this weekend a new pair of Jeans that I love from Value Village…but that still makes me a Fashion Faux Pas.  There are a couple of reasons for this….first is that the Plus Size stores don’t cater to my body type, they never have.  Well, they did to some extent, but here is the deal, I UNDERSTAND that a lot of people who are overweight have some Junk in the Trunk.  There is NOTHING wrong with a little booty, in fact, I think there was a song called “I like Big Butts” by Sir-Mix-A-Lot.  Now, don’t get me wrong when I say this, but I DONT HAVE ANY JUNK IN THE TRUNK.  Oh boy, the days I wish I did.  Even when I was going to the plus size stores, I would find maybe a pair or two of pants….but the rest looked redonkulous…because I don’t have junk in the trunk, they looked like clown pants.  Fair enough, so I have a limited number of pants to wear.  Losing 30+ lbs, now I have less booty, but I am not quite skinny enough to fit into a size 12 (the standard Largest size in non plus size stores).  Granted, Old Navy has just about everything under the sun, anything larger than 12 requires one to have junk in the trunk.  The second thing about losing this weight is that I am having a serious hard time trying to find tops.  I mean my girls have shrunk, and to some extend so have I, but I am not quite an XL at non plus size stores, but too small for a 1X at the plus size stores.  What is a girl to do???  The last thing is that I can’t really afford going to buy a new wardrobe every 10 lbs I lose.  It is getting expensive.  I mean there are only so many things that one can find that are fashionable at the thrift and second hand stores.  And even then, 1X dosen’t fit, XL dosen’t fit, 12’s are too small, 14’s are ok, and 16’s are too big.  So as much as I want to go shopping at non plus size stores, I can’t find anything at plus size stores.  Is there not a kinda plus size store?  I mean do you have to be super skinny to wear le chateau crap or do you have to be super large to fit into plus size crap?  Plus, my “girls” have shrunk also, so I need to find new bra’s and new underwear.  No wonder I am a Fashion Faux Pas!  Having said that I also wanted to add this:  PEOPLE RUNNING PLUS SIZE STORES:  please add more fashionable things for plus size women….just because we are (were) big, does not mean that we don’t want to be fashionable.  OF COURSE WE DO.  Not everyone who is Plus Size likes to dress like a gramma.  Common, some nice plus size stylish pant suits?  Like the skinny girls wear…How about some nice summer little skirts (not too little, don’t want to show off the thunder thighs) but nice and light and flowy?  Really?  Why is it so difficult. 

The last thing I wanted to share was a little story about a lady I work with.  Let’s call her “Norma”.   She is a bigger girl, way bigger than most.  I have to say that if I was to guestimate her weight I would say it is more than 250 lbs, closer to the 300 mark.  Now she wears the most rediculous clothes ever to work.  She wears sweatpant(ish) kind of pants.  The cotton kind that stretches.  On her top tho, she wears shorter tops (at least to her belly button) and altho there is no skin showing in her middrift (THANK GOODNESS!) she still looks pretty rediculous!  Ok, so now we know how she dresses.  So I was having lunch a couple of weeks ago and an old collegue whom I hadn’t seen for a while came to talk to me.  She told me how great I looked because of the weight loss.  I politely thanked her.  Well, Norma was sitting at our lunch table.  Always having to be the center of attention, she was like I am watching what I eat these days also.  My collegue said that is great.  I hope that works out for you.  Well Norma went to the cafeteria (which is notorious for giving LARGER than life portions) and brought back a HUGE piece of Lasagna with a small side ceasar salad.  Norma was like, See, this is Healthy!  Wow, where does she get off saying it is remotely healthy.  So I went back to my desk and did some research on her meal.  She had a meat lasagna that was almost 4 inches X 3 inches (guestimating) which is approximately 600 calories (it was smothered in cheese) and about 200 calories for the salad.  To top that off she had an orange juice, about 150 calories and she normally has a cream cheese muffin in the morning, about 200 calories.  Lets add that up: 600+200+150+200=1150 calories.  This does not include dinner, or any other snacks, or coffee or anything…that is probably her BMR right there (maybe a few more calories) but if you count in dinner and whatever else there is no deficit of calories, there is no physical activity, and she complains how hard it is to lose weight.  It infuriates me that a) she would take away from my glory of losing 30 lbs b) that she complains that she can never lose weight and c) that I worked so F’n hard to take off this weight and she has probably not even tried!  Now I am not going to be all high and mighty and point her in the right direction…because she knows that she has to do it…oh SHE KNOWS!  I don’t even want to tell her that she is extremely obese.  And I know I have said this before, time and time again that it really has to come from within.  You have to admit to yourself that YOU ARE OBESE before you can try to lose weight, otherwise it is an uphill battle.  The chocolate bar won’t be so tempting if you have admitted to being obese than it is if you are just on a “diet”.  Change truly comes from within…and you have to be willing to change. 

Ok, enough ranting about people at work and being a fashion criminal.  And also if you read this, feel free to hit me upside the head with a dose of reality if you think I need one. 

So I have become obsessed with my home scale.  I weigh myself every morning and every night.  An unhealthy addiction, yes, but what I think is even more unhealthy is the fact that my home sclale lies to me.  Either it says that I am LESS weight than the clinic scale, or MORE weight that I was before.  I can’t stand the lies, yet, I am addicted to stepping on the scale every morning and every night.  It has become an autonomy of my daily routine.  After I brush my teeth to be exact.  So I guess I should stop brushing my teeth, then I won’t be prone to step on the scale immediately after.  Nah, I will keep brushing my teeth, however, the scale always waits.  It looks at me and says…step right up…let me guess your scale….I will give you a number that you will either LOVE or HATE…Ugh!  I am hating that feeling.  On the plus side, I am down 2.2 lbs from the weekend. 

:)  I hope everyone has a good tuesday. 

I always find that the weekends are really hard to monitor my water intake.  During the week I am at my desk at work and I drink 2 X 1.5 L of water before I leave work.  It is methodical really, try to drink a litre before my first break, then one before lunch and one in the afternoon.  Most work days I can get all my water intake in…and it is no problem…but the weekends, there are no breaks in which you can guage your water intake, so I find myself at the end of the night with a 1L bottle of water slamming down as much as I possibly can before going to bed.  Oy, some days it is difficult, because my bladder will revolt! 

 So the topic of conversation today is what am I doing differently the days that I am losing more weight than others?  Ha!  I figured it out based on my diet sheet…I am eating less!!  Who would have known that eating less would mean a greater weight loss.  I also did some research on the foods I am eating.  I would have thought that cabbage is all fibre…well not ALL of it is!   Anyways, I will continue this research to figure out why my carb intake is STILL higher than it should be.  I mean, I have read about people decreasing their Carb intake to 9-10g/day!  How?  I mean 8oz of cabbage has 10g of carbs in it!  I am going to find the secret vegetable that has almost no carbs.  Actually, I probably already know…it is Lettuce…but really, how much lettuce can a person eat!!!

Well I am going to start my sunday morning with a cup of coffee and ponder the meaning of life…or just sit on the beach and watch the people go by.

Have a good one everybody! 

Well here we are at the end of the week.  I will start by apologizing that I haven’t really been keeping good track of my progress.  Sometimes it gets discouraging, like today when I ONLY lost 0.4 lbs….it is too bad!!  But on the up side, I have hit the official clinic 30 lb mark!!!  So exciting!!!  I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. 

I would also like to thank everyone who has made a comment or even reads my blog.  If I can reach out and touch one person with how amazing weight loss has been…it has all been worth it to share this journey.  Really for anyone who is just reading and has not started on the journey because they feel daunted by the amount of weight they need to lose, DO IT!!  Find a way to motivate yourself….For the longest time ever I got used to the weight I was at.  And then it went up a little, and I got used to that.  My self esteem was rock bottom.  Honestly, being 220 lbs is nothing compared to the people who have way more weight to lose, this is what I thought to myself.  You are just a little overweight, again, another thought I kept thinking.  Then I realised, it wasn’t by looking in the mirror and hating what I saw…it wasn’t looking at old photos and loathing having them taken…it was by the sheer low self esteem that I wanted to take control.  Rather than just accepting being overweight…I had to admit it.  THAT is the hardest part!  Admitting that you are OBESE!!!  Do it, it is the best thing that you can do for yourself!

So today has already been a trying day, I woke up at 3:30 AM to take a friend to the airport, went to the clinic to get weighed in and disappointed, I haven’t had my first cup of coffee yet, and I am stressing about moving to Montreal in July.  The work situation hasn’t been confimed and it is hugely stressing me out.  The living arrangements are yet to be decided and the boyfriend situation hit the tank last night!  When I say hit the TANK…I mean, she’s back…the best friend who just dosen’t get that him and I need our space and our time to heal from the damage that she has done to our relationship.  She just dosen’t get it.  As if having a long distance relationship is easy!  I mean come on….give me a f’n break.  Give us a chance to heal and recover before you make your f’n presence known again!!  I am really hurt, because the boyfriend can not be forthcoming about anything to do with her.  He hides these things.  What was his excuse this time?  I just didn’t know how to bring it up.  First, does he think that NOT bringing it up and me finding out any other way would be better?  Can he not just bite the bullet?  It would have been a lot better…but not, he kept it for me.  (there is more to the situation…but I hope you all get the point I am trying to make!)  So last night, I binged (completely stayed strict with the diet) but I binged on foods I normally keep out of my diet…like the bread portions and the fruit portions.  Ugh!  It was so difficult! 

So I hope everyone is having a better Friday than I am!  I hope that you all are losers this week (in weight and not in personality!)  I guess what you can take away from this post is that no matter how hard things get, don’t let your emotions control you…if you do, an irrational emotion can turn into an irrational binge fest!  (Thank goodness mine did not!)

So I think I am going to start a Friday Tradition…we will call it the Friday Five! 

What are the 5 things that you are enjoying most about this journey of weight loss?

Here are my top 5!  1. Feeling better about myself, the increase to my self esteem has been amazing.  2. People noticing around me that I have been losing weight and telling me I am looking good.  3. Tightening the belt loop:  I am hoping to have tightened it one more notch by next week. 4. Knowing when to stop eating.  Before I used to have no self control.  5. Not wanting to indulge (ie. at the office when someone brings in donuts, or cake, or chocolate).  How about your 5?