Not just any girl

I get a bit punchy with less than my usual 4 hours of sleep.(Where does that term “punchy” come from anyway?) And yes, I should have gone to sleep earlier. And maybe I will be learn my lesson once and for all for staying up so late again??? So to punish you as well.. here’s a joke I found extremely funny (though slightly inappropriate)today. Sad, really, that this is what did it for me.. but a good laugh is a good laugh and I needed it. If the joke doesn’t do it for you, you can laugh at me instead.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, “I guess we answered that question.”

I got all 7 wrong too! lol

Promoting the Student

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!”

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry
can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?”
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants”

Ms. Brooks: What’s starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?”

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer.

Harry: “Bubble gum”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that
means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

ARE YOU A MARTHA OR A MAXINE?

I love this…. I am framing it and putting it by the front door.

TEN RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER (or Sister):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you aren’t picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the
course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without
utilizing a “barrier method” can kill you. Allow me to elaborate: when
it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. Frankly, I would much rather you did.
However, if you absolutely must go out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sistine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, you may demonstrate to me why I should tolerate your existence by such acts as say, changing the oil in my car.

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws wielded on unsuspecting teenage girls by males of your age group and general appearance are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been; but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless and vengeful god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and what you will be doing, you have one very brief chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I
have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not dare to
trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Da Nang. When my Agent Orange start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. The moment you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands held high over your head. Speak the perimeter password, announce that you have brought my daughter safely home, then return to your car and leave immediately once she has exited the vehicle - Do not attempt to come inside or even follow her to the door.

The camouflaged face in the window is mine, as is the ruby red beam of
laser-light targeted directly at the center of your chest.

Have you seen the weight watchen blogs page? Geesh. If I wanted to buy Lorazapam, I would buy it. Your spam isnt going to steer me in that direction. Punks.

I started this new exercise program today. Its so easy and I love it!
Current mood: busy

If you’re over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN………….

.
.
.
.
.

NOW SCROLL UP..

That’s enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a Beer.

Ok I know… I am a dork. You dont have to tell me. And I should be working. But this made me giggle.