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So with that here is today’s damage for ALL TO SEE!
(click images to enlarge)
2470 calories! OMG!!! I typically eat that in 2 days.

Today’s exercise:

As for my personal monthly goal for the challenge. I want to do 1850 minutes of cardio. In March I did 1783 minutes and in April I did 1612 (the husband was sick so we couldn’t take any weekend walks) but I went and had a New Leaf Test done at the gym on Wednesday and am supposed to add 3 days of cardio to my routine, 15 minutes each day and I need to track my heart rate so that I can burn more fat longer. As of right now my Active Metabolic Rate is good as long as my HR stays between 110 -139, at that rate I am bu ring 3.5 fat calories for ever 4.5 minutes worked, which is pretty good, especially since I seem to stay in that range for most of the exercises I do (walking, stair climbing and dance), but the higher my HR goes the lower the ratio goes so the goal is to get me burning the most fat all the time in order to lose more weight. I still don’t get what all the numbers mean but I was glad to know that for now and the exercise that I am doing, that I am burning fat the entire time I am working out. This definitely explains why I can eat crap and not really gain but it also explains why I haven’t been able to loose anymore. So I need to cut the crap and sweat some more LOL.

The exact numbers from the Active Metabolic Training test were:
HR: 110-139, 3.5 cal fat for every 4.5 mins = good
HR: 139-151, 4 cal fat for every 6.6 mins = pretty good
HR: 151-159, 3.7 cal fat for every 7.3 mins = eh
HR: 159-169, 2.1 cal fat for every 8.9 mins = not so much

And just in case I haven’t already bored you with my stats, here is my food from today…

And of course my exercise. I’m a little bummed that for an hour and a half hula class the teacher decided to talk about Lei Day for like an hour and so we only got to dance for 30 minutes. I did learn something new, but I wanted to DANCE! Good thing I decided to be crazy and do 3 sets of stair climbing instead of the usual 2!

I also realized the importance and downfall of eating something first thing in the morning. Getting up so early totally threw my clock off. Typically I eat breakfast around 9 or 9:30am unless I have a glass of milk at home before leaving for the office (I love milk). Since I couldn’t wait till 9 or 9:30am I ate before 9, usually a WW shake or banana or something totally healthy. Then I was hungry again at 10:30, and it was around that time or shortly thereafter that it was time to clear out breakfast from the conference room. There were left over bagels both days with cream cheese. Now I RARELY eat bagels and even more rarely do I eat regular cream cheese. Yet somehow lack of sleep made me eat bagels both days WITH regular cream cheese. On Thursday I ate a whole bagel (WTF?!), by Friday I had gotten half a clue and only hate half. On Thursday I also ate some left over Thai noodles with chicken, twice. Yes twice, because there was so much left over that I took some home for dinner to share with the husband so that we didn’t have to cook. I also had juice that day and a cookie and a piece of chocolate. Needless to say I was feeling gross. Friday I at the half a bagel but also had a Boudin sandwich with that evil bread that I love so much, and then bread from another sandwich - no mean just half the bread, and some chips, OH and  a Mountain Dew, regular not diet, because I was so freaking tired and didn’t want coffee in the middle of the day. That night we ordered Chinese and for dessert I had a brownie and some yummy chocolate from Switzerland that the out of town business guests had given me. All the while I was completely aware of the fact that I was eating crap. The good thing is that I WAS aware and I never stuffed myself, but god did I feel like shit.

Each night I thought about why I did what I did and the only thing that I could come up with was that my routine was thrown off and shit food was convenient and lack of sleep made me too lazy to go and by my own food, because we all know FREE is better. The good thing is that other than missing dance class on Thursday night due to exhaustion, I did do stairs and my walk on Friday so I was exercising which I hope counter balanced things. Oh and on top of the lack of sleep and thrown off routine TOM was here and cravings aside, I really think it messes with your head and ability to make rational decisions, because I really do know better than to eat shit 2 days in a row. Needless to say my weight spiked again, clearly due to carbs and sodium, but this morning I woke up and am back in the 134s comfort zone. THANK YOU WATER and thank you Tom for exiting the premises.

So next time you go on a bender try to assess the situation, so that if nothing else, you can be aware of why the scale goes up and how it makes you feel and nip things in the bud or at least recognize the signs that you are about to have a temporary lapse in food judgement and know that you will be back to normal soon.

Yesterday was much better, not great but clearly not so bad since I woke up lighter. I do need more F&V though, I know its contributing to my inability to go below 134. Maybe I’ll go grocery shopping today so that we can have a yummy and healthy meal.

Me: Honey am I getting skinner?
Him: Yes my sweetie is getting skinner
Me: You’re just saying that
Him: (staring at me all bugged eyed like I’m crazy) No I’m not
Me: Then why are you looking at me like that
Him: (totally making faces at me now) Well, skinnier compared to what? Last year at this time? Yes my sweetie is a lot skinner. What do you want me to say?
Me: hmpf. I want you to tell me if I’m getting skinnier, but I want you to really notice it yourself, not just because I’m telling you.
Him: But compared to what? Last year, last week, yesterday?
Me: Just in general
Him: You’re crazy, now go get in the shower so that we can get out of her and that you have enough time and don’t start saying that I’m rushing you.
Me: Why are you so mean? Are you sure you can’t tell if I look skinnier?
Him: Silence

Fat Bridesmaid - now I’ve seen her name before but never clicked on it, simply because I was having such a hard time keeping up with the “regulars” that it didn’t seem fair to take on a new blog to read. Well I finally decided to check her out mid week and she is great! I love her style of writing and she’s funny (which is important to me).

I’m sure by now all of you know that Sister Skinny has decided to abandon us (one got skinny and one is knocked up so they have left us forever to cry and wonder about begetables and the celebrity gym and eating PF Changes in the in secret in the bathroom and will the crazy toddler be crazy forever and what happens after one has masted planks? I’ll never know. Things like that). I’m still not happy about it. So I’ve been going back and reading posts that I hadn’t read before and commenting and trying to subliminally get them to come back (feel free to join in, we are more powerful and convincing in numbers). So last night I came accross this post and in turn found Navel Gazing at it’s Finest. OMG Sue is hilarious, I think I even peed a little reading some of her posts and the comments. Specifically this post and this one that totally reminded me of conversations I’ve had with the husband (he laughed too).

That’s all I got for now, but don’t worry, I’ll be back with more I’m sure.

If you are interested there is still time to sign up! Please go to our Exercise Challenge Blog and leave a comment if you are interested and I will add your name to the side bar. Rules and FAQs are posted there if you have any questions.

I got to go to my WW meeting again today, that’s twice in one month. Not sure if I had mentioned this before or not, but right after I made Lifetime status our departmental staff meetings changed and conflicted with my WW meetings so I couldn’t attend regularly like before and I can only attend when our staff meetings are cancelled. Well this month I got lucky and 2 staff meetings were cancelled so I got to attend my WW meeting last week and this week. Since I’m not longer there weekly, I see new people at the meetings every time I do go (it’s the at work program). Today there was a lady who I’ve worked with in the past but never knew I had weight issues. And really, if you met me IRL in the past 4 years and didn’t know me prior to my surgery, then you probably wouldn’t think that I was fat. But for me personally, I was pushing the double digit clothing size and that was always my cue that I was no longer thin. I’m only 5′5 according to all the charts I have a small frame so a size 4 or 6 are exactly where I need to be to look good, feel good and be healthy and it is exactly where I was from age 18 until, well 4 years ago. Not too thin (IMO) and not fat.

So when the lady sees me she says,
“You’re the last person I would ever expect to see at a Weight Watcher meeting. I always looked at you and wanted to be you.” Now on the one hand I was totally flattered but also embarrassed. It also made me think of Diana’s comment the other day in my 1 year WW anniversary post.

Even though I was “thin” for most of my life I’ve always had body image issues (and some eating disorders). I remember being in Jr. High and my best friend was thinner than I was, or so I thought. She was also a good 3-5 inches shorter than I was so of course she wore a size 3, she was tiny, but since I could not fit into a 3, I thought I was fat. You see, I was a size 5. Sure laugh, but at 12/13 body image issues are just beginning. I was never lean, or muscular so I always had some extra skin that would pouch out when I’d sit down, only at that time I thought it was fat, not just skin. I was also built differently than that bff and the other one I had in high school, who was also a size 3 but only 2 inches shorter than I was. Only back then I didn’t understand how bones and shape played a part in size. Skinny or fat I fall into the hourglass category. I have no ass, but I have hips and a waist and boobage. Those hips are what have always kept me from being anythign smaller than a size 4. You can lose fat and inches but your bones don’t shrink.

In looking at old pictures I was thin from about puberty until age 16 after getting my first job and thinking that a pint of Hagen Daz was a good lunch (multiple times a week), I went from a size 5/7 to a size 12 in a year and was horrified. Then at age 17 I had a horrible breakup with my 1st boyfriend and went into starvation mode. In one month I went from a size 12 to a size 4 and then managed to get healthy and stay at a size 4/6 until late 2004 (pre surgery). I was mortified when I realized that I had gone from a 4/6 to an 8. I was in serious denial about it. My eating hadn’t changed that much but I had stopped dancing. Who knew dancing on a regular basis would let me eat what I wanted without gaining? Well it took me a good 3 years to come to grips with my fattness and that is when I joined WW. Even at my first meeting I was thinner than most of the members, but I knew I belonged there. According to WW I was still in the “healthy range” but for me, I was out of my comfort zone. 8 months later I was back in my 6s and I made my goal and I still go to meetings.

Just because I met my goal doesn’t mean I don’t belong at the meetings. Just because other members call me “skinny” doesn’t mean don’t belong at the meetings. Where am I going with all this? Just because I didn’t have 50+ pounds to lose doesn’t mean that I haven’t faced some of the same challenges that truly overweight people face. I had some unhealthy habits, I had some portion distortion. I felt fat and gross and ugly. I hated shopping, I hated pictures and I hated that I got winded doing something like walking up stairs. And I hated that food had gotten the best of me. So next time you see a “thin” girl at a WW meeting or on the street or wherever you are (the cafe, at a buffet, reaching for that candy bar or chips) don’t think that she doesn’t struggle to stay that way. Just because she is eating at the same place or even the same thing, She could very well just be blessed, but more than likely she too has body image issues and struggles to stay “thin” so don’t disregard her just because she fits more of what is considered “ideal.” Don’t think that she has it easy and can eat whatever she wants.

I never thought of myself as thin or skinny, I was either fat or regular. When I started WW I was fat, now I’m almost back to regular. I’ve started dancing again and fortunately for me, it works. My body likes it, and I can do it for hours and never think of it as exercise, it is fun and so I keep doing it, and that is what is allowing me to eat the “bad stuff,” but I still measure everything and I count calories and points and I think about everything that goes into my mouth. So just because some of you may see me or others my size as “thin” don’t think that we don’t know or understand what it means to gain weight and struggle to lose weight and keep it off.