As of last weigh-in this past Monday, I had lost 5 pounds. Now THAT’S more like it!  However, I’m reprimanding myself since I did not track these past few days.  Baka gaijin!  So, I will do my best to go back over the past few days and retrace my steps.  Hopefully I didn’t lose what little ground I’d gained by actually gaining.  I’ll find out tonight, when I do a weigh-in.  I’ve decided to keep track of my weight more than once a week, because I feel that if I see a gain begin, I can take steps early to reverse or slow it down rather than think I’m doing fine only to find out otherwise.

 On a seperate topic, we got snowed out in a major way yesterday.  Tuesday night was when it all started, and I actually shacked up at a friend’s place since he lives closer to work.  He and his longtime girlfriend were gracious and accomodating, and as we both took a snow day as we watched the outdoors turn into something reminiscent of the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”.  Finally, I’m back at work today, seeing my wife for the first time in over 24 hours…man, did I miss her…and i’m actually seeing patches of ground being revealed under all the snow.

 Well, back to work.  Later, all!

According to my weigh-in this morning, I did not lose a single pound in one week.  I am stunned beyond words.  I cut my portions by half or more, went down to one 8-oz can of soda a day as opposed to two 12-ozs or more, ate salads, low-cal soups, granola bars, fruits, vegetables, took walks whenever I could…basically, I changed my entire eating regimen, tracked all my points every day…

Not one freaking pound.  How in the name of hell is that possible?

 I’m not even going to begin considering that my bathroom scale could be wrong.  It’s a digital scale, newly purchased, and it’s supposed to be very accurate.  I just cannot understand how I could’ve not lost ANYTHING.

Pardon my language, but I feel like shit.  I feel like I’ve failed.  Heather, my wife, tried to tell me that I can’t expect miracles after one week.  I never did.  I just wanted to make SOME kind of progress.  I wanted to cross the finish line.  And I CERTAINLY wanted to do better than this.

I mean, even if I had gained, at least I could more easily figure out my mistakes and correct them.  Now, I’m at a complete loss. 

Well, screw that scale.  It can go to hell.  I’m going to keep going with my diet.  I’ll make changes where I can to eat even better, to cut back where I hadn’t yet.  I’ll get in more exercise, somehow, some way.  I’m not giving up.

ikemasu (ee-keh-mahss): “Let’s go!”

Well, today’s the day; I’m officially restarting my Weight Watchers-based diet plan.  I weighed in at 309 lb, and I started out my morning with a banana and a 8-oz cup of Simply Lemonade.  Not much of a breakfast, I know, but it works for me.  I’m already starting to feel some hunger pangs, but they’re not too annoying yet, and if they get to that point, I’ve got some 100-calorie snacks to tide me over.  I’m hoping to pick up some fruit and/or yogurt this weekend for some healthier in-betweens.  By the way, what’s the consensus on these special yogurts, like Activia?  Are they any good?  Do they provide a more significant health benefit than regular yogurt?  How about taste?  I’d just like to know before I buy any.

Speaking of 100-calorie packs, I just love that concept.  Since I’ve always been a snacker, one of the more daunting aspects of a diet was the thought that I’d be deprived of my favorite munchables.  Now that snack companies are wising up to the needs of the health-conscious, we’re seeing many more of our favorite snacks coming out in handy, healthier 100-calorie packets.  That way, I can still enjoy the taste of the snack I like without the danger of overindulging.  LOVE it.

I have an appointment today with my psychiatrist; it’s basically a med-check, where I go in, we talk for 20 minutes about how I’m feeling, how my job and marriage are going, and other issues like that; once he determines that things are going alright, he updates my prescriptions and sends me on my way.  He’s a nice guy, and going there does help me unravel at least some of the huge knot of stress inside me.
I started seeing him after my mother died in 2003 after a 9-month decline from terminal metasticized thyroid cancer.  Since my father is not in the picture at all, and I have no brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or any other blood relatives, I was pretty much all my mother had as far as family was concerned, so I spent the entire 9 months at her side.  There was only one day that I didn’t see her out of that entire time.  When she passed away, despite the fact that I had been made quite clear of the inevitability of her loss, I was profoundly affected.  I developed hypochondria, where I was convinced that any minor ailment, from a sore throat to a headache, was a life-threatening medical emergency.  Pain in my chest?  Had to be a heart attack.  Headache? Must be a brain tumor.  Upset stomach?  Stomach or colon cancer.  I was beginning to experience depression and anxiety with bouts of panic attacks.  I even had a small part of my hair turn gray!  I needed help, and that’s when I started seeing my psychiatrist.  It definately helped; since then, my hypochondriacal incidents are nearly non-existent, and my depression and anxiety incidents are much fewer and far between.  I wish I hadn’t needed medication to help me along, since they have side-effects that I’d rather be without, but I can’t deny that they have helped a great deal in beginning to unravel the giant knot of stress inside me.

I know this is a lot to digest, and certainly more information than you probably wanted to know about me, but I feel it is important for you to know who I am before you can understand the journey I have ahead of me.

Tomorrow begins my official reboot on the Weight Watchers Flex plan.  I’ve been logging my points online for the past week, but I will start recording my weight loss and restart my exercise/diet regimen officially tomorrow, since Wednesday has always been my weigh-in day…just makes it easier for me to keep track.  I’m not sure if anything has changed in regards to the plan, like points costs, but I’ll use my reference materials to help me along the way.

I’m nervous about this.  I’ve tried this a few times and failed after a few days or a week; i’ll get sick of tracking, or I’ll suffer some sort of setback, and get so easily discouraged.  I cannot…CANNOT…let that happen again.

In other news, I wanted to share with you a link to my other blog, the one documented my attempts to save up for my Japan trip:

http://would-be-gaijin.blogspot.com/

It’ll also shed some light into why Japan holds so much meaning and importance to me. 

 Can anyone shed some light on good and fast breakfast foods for people on the flex plan?  Breakfast is always a problem for me, since I have very little time to set it up, and whatever I do get to put together gets digested so fast, I’m hungry before 10am already.  I need something that’s low on points, yet filling and healthy.  Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

 The Would-Be Gaijin

Konnichiwa!  Watashi no namae wa Scott desu.  Yokoso!  Hajimemashite!  O genki desu ka?

 For those unfamiliar with Japanese, I said hello, told you “My name is Scott”, bid you welcome and said it was nice to meet you, and asked you how you’re doing. ^_^

 I’m 33, and I was born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  I work for a software company in their technical support department, I’m married to a beautiful and talented woman, have no children, am fascinated with all things related to Japan, and I’m a science fiction/fantasy/anime geek.  I’m what the Japanese would call an “otaku”, which means, basically, ”nerd”.  I’m proud to have that label, because in my opinion, it’s part of who I am (and have always been) as a person, and to deny that for the sake of another’s acceptance is to deny myself, and that I will not do for anyone.

 One thing I am not so proud of, however, is the fact that I am overweight.  I’ve been overweight ever since I was a child.  Right now, I weigh in at approximately 310 lb.  It is a burden on my life that I find myself alternately accepting, albeit begrudgingly, and resenting with all my power.

Naturally, my doctor, who I am sure would just LOVE to see my hard-earned money come pouring in from the costs of such a procedure, is urging me to have gastric bypass surgery. Some people have a problem with my feelings on this option, but since it’s my body, I feel I’m perfectly within my rights to say the following: unless my life is in immediate mortal danger, I will not have gastric bypass surgery. That will only be an option for me if starvation hasn’t worked.
Seems like a foolish thing to say, I know, but I have my reasons:

1. I know people who’ve had them that have become completely different people, and not in a positive way. A friend of mine had the surgery, and for her, it was an overwhelming success. She lost the weight, and has kept it off. However, her personality completely changed in such drastic ways that it alarmed me. I realize that this procedure brings with it a psychological change as well as a physical one; so much so that the pre-op process includes a psych evaluation. But, it was if she’d become a Mirror Universe version of herself, and I’m not going down that road.
2. It requires a lifestyle change that my life does not have room for right now. I work 8am to 5pm every day, and sometimes on weekends from 5:30am until 2pm. When I’m not working, I’m managing household bills, doing laundry, making meals, and other standard household chores. I cook healthful meals and sneak in exercise whenever I can, but I have neither the budget nor the time for drastic lifestyle changes at this time. The costs of the procedure itself are far more than I can afford, even with insurance coverage, and the aftereffects of the procedure won’t be any easier on the wallet.
3. There has to be an easier, less invasive way. There just has to be. As part of the pre-op process, it’s determined by doctors and dieticians whether all options have been explored in the weight loss process before it’s deemed that surgery is necessary. Well, honestly, I have not explored all options, and I have to believe that there is a less painful, less drastic way to lose weight than a surgical procedure that essentially eliminates 80% of your stomach and alters your body’s chemistry so much that you’ll be committed to taking supplements for the rest of your life and avoiding certain foods that you used to be able to eat without any ill effects.

(In case you’re feeling inclined to reply, extolling the virtues of gastric bypass, let me save you the time and make it clear to you that my mind is made up when it comes to the issue. If a licensed medical professional cannot persuade me to do it, you won’t be able to, either. I’m not trying to be a prick here; I’m just putting my cards on the table.)

With all of this in mind, I joined Weight Watchers a little over a year ago. And, to my surprise and delight, it worked…and fast. In less than 4 weeks, I had lost nearly 20 pounds. I dropped a pants size, and my shirts fit looser. People who I hadn’t seen for some time asked me if I lost weight and said I looked good. It was a great boost to the ego; let me tell you, and it just felt damn good in general. I was thrilled that I had found a process that worked with my schedule and eating preferences. It didn’t require extra money, save for the cost of membership and some slight modifications to my diet to fit with their Flex Plan, and as long as I tracked my points with what I ate, I could still eat what I enjoyed. Things were going great.

But then, in October, I suffered a “major fall off the wagon”, and stopped going to the meetings. I was so disgruntled that I pretty much gave up on the entire process, resulting, of course, in the regaining of all the weight that I had lost. I was back to the beginning, and completely miserable.

I’m not completely sure what led to the aforementioned “fall off the wagon”, but I think much of it had to do with the fact that I had seemed to be at a plateau, where I wasn’t losing any more weight even though I had stuck with the plan faithfully. It was as if my body just said, “Okay, that was fun, but I’m done here; see ya”. I couldn’t see how else to adjust my plan. I was always ending my days with plenty of points to spare, and fitting in walking jaunts at least three times a week. I couldn’t do much more exercise than that because, in what I think is one of the crueler ironies in existence, I wasn’t in shape enough to handle a major work-out. I get winded too easily, and I sweat like crazy at the drop of a hat. I had to stay at a pace that was comfortable for me, but that wasn’t going to get the results I was looking for. It wasn’t enough that I was dieting with the flex plan, it seemed.

Also, I felt like I was fighting the battle alone. I couldn’t relate to any of the people in my group, as they were all older women or much younger women (there were no men there other than me, save for a few meetings where one or two other guys would show up), so while all these people around me were struggling with the same problems and setbacks, I still could not connect with them. No one else I knew was on Weight Watchers, and my wife wasn’t following the plan along with me. She was supporting my efforts and helping me out where and whenever she could, but let’s face it: this is not her fight. She’s not obligated to offer anything to me other than moral support, and that she has given me in spades. After a time, the motivation to keep it up despite the setbacks just wasn’t there. I have no one to blame for that except me.

I started this blog because my coworker has recently gone on the WW Flex Plan, with some custom modifications to fit her life. She encouraged me to set up a blog, and I’ve done so in the hopes that I can find my desire to continue. I know my motivations; I don’t need to be told why I should do this. I know those reasons all too well. I just need a support system to keep the engine of my desire for weight loss running.

There’s one other reason I’m going to face this struggle, and it ties into the name of my blog, “The Man Who Would Be Sunnari Gaijin” (”Sunnari” means “thin” in Japanese, and “gaijin” means “foreigner”). My greatest dream is to travel to Japan. It has been my dream, wish, hope, desire, aspiration, and want since I was a child, and it is the one thing I feel I must do before I leave this earth. I haven’t really been able to sufficiently explain to anyone just how much achieving this goal means to me, but I hope that when they read this, they understand that this is far more than just some pipe dream or silly fantasy that will change with the times. I want to do this. I NEED to do this; for myself, and for my family who, despite the hard times when money was so precious it couldn’t be wasted on a paperback book much less an expensive vacation, always wanted me to hold onto my dreams and find a way to make them happen. Those hard times are still here for my wife and I, and they’re not going away any time soon, but nonetheless, I need to have this one thing that I can look back on when I’m breathing my last and say, “I did it. I made my dream come true.”

I want to use that same drive I have for my trip to Japan to fuel my aspirations to lose weight. After all, losing weight would make me healthier and grant me more time to plan for such an adventure, and moreso, help me enjoy it without getting winded or suffering from an aching back. It needs to be just as important to me to lose weight as it is for me to go to Japan, and I intend to make it so.

Wednesday has traditionally been my weigh-in day. I will begin logging my weight this Wednesday and recording it in this blog. Along the way, I’ll include some general things about my weight loss adventures and misadventures, rants and raves, and more. I hope you’ll follow me on this journey, because provided there is a happy ending to it, I want plenty of people there to share it with me.

And so we begin…