I’ve been back from Europe for 7 days. And my first week back has shown me that I have definitely changed. Rather than go into all of that, I figured it would make more sense to just share an email I wrote to my bestfriend Huny a couple days ago. My travel journal was lost in a hotel in Barcelona. But perhaps even that is for the best.
from: B.
to:huny
date Nov 7, 2007 7:55 AM (4 days ago)
subject Re: ur twinny twin twin! NOT!
I start my new job today at 9am sharp 
I’ve been jet-lagged like a mother sucker but to be honest I’m in
really good spirits. Really Good!
I don’t know how to explain it but something changed in me in Europe.
I mean this time last week I was eating pizza in Rome and shopping in
Naples. I went to the French Riviera and even drove past St. Tropez.
It really makes you think - like damn…there really aren’t any
limitations in the world other than the ones we put on ourselves. And
don’t laugh…but I heard the voice of God in the Sistine Chapel…it
was humbling….I almost started crying cause I hadn’t felt so at
peace in a very long time. Plus now I’m convinced now that Michael
Angelo was an alien cause it boggles my mind that a human being could
create something so beautiful.
And I’ve changed in other ways too…physical ways. You wanna know
the story of how my stuff got stolen?
Well I somehow got into the habit of waking up at 5am everyday and
speed walking 2-3 miles every morning before breakfast. As the sun
would rise I would be sweating my little ass off. It was awesome. I
could almost feel the “other” me - you know the thin, happy authentic
me? - egging me on.
And every morning after my walk I’d go downstairs and take a nice long
shower, do my facial regimin, lather my body in cocoa butter and all
types of yummy lotions…and I can’t believe it but my stretch marks -
those “zebra lines” that I thought made me a freak when I was younger
- they’ve started to fade a bit. And for the first time I really
looked at myself naked in the mirror and could begin to see me. And
she felt pretty - even naked!
So yeah after several days of this some of the other folks on the
cruise ship started recognizing me on our excursions as the girl whose
always on the track in the mornings and one lady even said “oh hey -
it’s you! The jogger!”
The jogger? I haven’t worked out in 2 years and in one trip I’d become
the jogger! lol
On my last night in Barcelona, around dinner time I realized that I’d
walked 18 miles that week. My goal had been to do 20 before I went
back home. So after a moderate meal (during all this my appetite has
adjusted and even the 24/7 buffet wasn’t enough to make me binge) I
decided to go to the track and do my last 2 miles to make my goal.
I went to the bathroom, changed into my sneakers, and then went up to
the track. There are a few benches up there where people sit during
the day, so since it was dark I stuck my bag under one of the benches.
And proceeded to walk 10 laps around the track (i.e 2 miles). Each
time glancing to make sure my bag was still there. At one point it
looked open, but the wind was blowing so fiercely I figured that was
the reason why - and kept walking.
The only people up there other than me, were some crew workers who were
talking and laughing amongst themselves in a corner, and a group of
kids who walked past me around my 8th lap.
When I was done I felt so pround Hunny Bunny. 20 miles was great. But
over those few last days things had just seemed to come together. Mom
and I were even getting along better because I realized that I had the
power to not always react so much to her. She just wants to be my mom.
And that involves nagging. But she loves me dearly so it’s a fair
trade off.
When I got back to my room I stripped down and was to tired to even
get in the shower, so I crawled over to the phone and called the front
desk to confirm that our shuttle would be picking us up in the morning
to take us to the airport.
The man asked for my receipt number. I knew the receipt was in my
black bag along with all my rent money and my cell phone. I got up to
go look for it…and when I opened my bag….my heart sunk.
Immediately I realized it was gone.
That last nite of our vacation was so heartbreaking. But in retrospect
I can still see value in that loss.
I had expected my mother to be angry and accusatory, but I really
misjudged her. She was only concerned about my feelings and told me
continuously how money could be replaced she was just happy that I was
ok. Then she started telling me about folks back home who had real
problems.
My aunt has lost several friends and colleagues to cancer.
The guy who owns the barber shop in my old neighborhood dropped dead
at 46 of a heart attack. And another friend of my family has just been
told she has two weeks to live and must now send her daughter to live
with friends in Miami.
“Baby you’ve suffered a big shock. But it’s only money. We didn’t shop
much. That same money could have been spent buying stuff. It means
nothing. I gave you that money two days early because I know you’re
broke and it made you sad so I wanted to make you happy and make you
feel like you had something”
And she was right that money had lifted my spirits.
“But we can make more money. I can’t stand seeing you sob over
material things when so many people at home are suffering about life
and death”
I gotta tell you - I’m a bit of a know-it-all with my mom. Cause she
spent the first 34 years of her life in a small village, and I was
raised in America. But that night I finally realized that my mom
really is a wise, resilient and incredibly strong woman. It was the
first time since I was a kid where I felt like the child, rather than
her more evolved offspring. And she was right. About everything.
I think it took losing $1600 and a pretentious gold plated cell phone to
regain my perspective. The 18 hrs and 3 flights it took me to get home
I felt waves of guilt, and also felt violated to think someone had
gone and taken my stuff from me. But underneath all that I knew this
trip was necessary and everything that happened was for a reason.
I also realized that my mother is 61 and tired of working and I want
to help her retire in 4 years and help my family that is obviously going
throw a rough time financially - which is now affecting them emotionally.
They’ve all always looked up to me and I really want to lead them by
example. So for hours I prayed “God please let me find a job when I
get back. I need to be independent. I need to stand on my own”
You know what God said to me in the Sistine Chapel?
“You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Regret nothing. You can
have it all. Love and honor yourself and everything else will come”
I wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget it. But now as I type this I see
that it has left it’s mark on me without even having to look at my
notes.
When I got home to D.C I felt so happy. Cause this is my home. And I
appreciate all of it. I gave my nice Indian cab driver a $10 tip. He
had given me some pointers on where and when to visit India (a trip I
told him I want to make someday.)
Even after losing all that money I gave him that tip to show my faith
that the universe would bring me wealth in all the ways I deserved. My
mantra “Money comes often and easily”.
I kept saying that as I typed an email to my temp agency telling
them what had happened to me and how I wanted a job immediately.
The next day - they offered me a position. At the place they had first
told me about 6 months ago when I moved here. A job I had wanted back
then but hadn’t gotten due to some logistics that still had to be
worked out.
And now it was mine. After 3 months of unemployment - the second I got
back I had a job.
If that doesn’t show the power of being open to abundance I don’t know
what does.
But enough of my ramblings. I have to leave for work in 5 minutes.
My new number is 202.xxx-xxxx (it’s an even easier number than my NYC
one…something else I prayed on when I was at the cell store lol)
I’ll call you tonight.
Love You!!!
-b
Update on the new job. It’s a temp gig that will last at least two months. Which is just fine with me because it pays decent money but doesn’t require too much stress. I kept praying that I would get a gig that was “pleasant”. Because after all I’ve been through, I need that right now.
And can you believe it that is exactly how I would describe this job. Pleasant. Unbelievably pleasant. My supervisor is an English woman named Marion. I told her how I’m a bit of an Anglophile and grew up watching BBC comedies as a child. We like the same British shows, she has a tea kettle in our office, and we spend our time together going back and forth between pleasant banter and laughter (there goes that word again) and comfortable silence.
My office is right next to hers and I can hear her singing Christmas carols on occasion. Her voice is so good at first I thought that was the radio and not her. She knows I am on a weightloss journey and as she is probably a size 14/16 herself she sees nothing wrong with it.
To keep up with the progress I made on my trip I walk to work and home every day. Thats 2 miles each way. I drink my fasting tea at work, and have a sensible dinner when I get home. No food is off limits. I eat what I want and stop when I’m satisfied. And ironically because there are no more restrictions on me…I’m actually picking healthier foods by choice now. I guess you could say I’m on “The Happy Diet”.
When you’re happy you take care of yourself, and when you’re invested in taking care of yourself eating right comes more naturally. It seems so simple but it’s true.
Last week when I got home I was 290lbs (exactly what I weighed when I left). And as of yesterday I was 283. But this morning I weighed 285 due to the fact that I’m on my period and a bit bloated. I’m telling myself to take it all with a grain of salt though. This is a long journey and I’m making progress every day.
On Monday I told myself - “This is a blessed week” and it was. So now I will take that one step further.
This is a blessed month. My goal for November is to be in the 270’s. Something I haven’t done in over a year. Once that happens, other goals will follow. One step at a time.
On another note: I went to Lane Bryant yesterday to buy a winter coat and some new bras. Learned two things:
1. I am down to a snug size 18/20 now (which had been my size for most of my adult life until last years weight gain)
and
2. I’ve gone up a cup size!!! I am now a 44DDD
This explains why even though I gained 50lbs I only went up one pant size. All that weight had gone up to my breasts! My new triple D bras are cute but still….damn. lol
On the bright side at least now it’s become apparent that my previous fears of being flat chested when I’m thin are unfounded. I mean look at Jessica Simpson. Even at a size 2 she still keeps her girls. Never thought I’d be looking at her for motivation but these days I’m open to goodness wherever I can find it.
Ok enough typing. My tummy is nauseous so I’m going to pop a pain killers and take a walk to Wholefoods to buy some organic soup and some limes for my cleansing tea. And Giant is having a sale on those new Steamfresh frozen veggies this week so I’ll stop by there too and pick up some fresh produce as well. That should add up to 2miles of walking.
ciao!
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