Dear Cupcake,

I have been experiencing a new phenomenon this week - a heightened sense of consciousness about what I am putting into my body.

As DH is working away from home during the week for the next wee while, I have realised it is important for me to keep busy and motivated in order to avoid sitting on the sofa watching TV and mindlessly eating in order to comfort myself and relieve the boredom and loneliness.

Hence my full on walking program - I have made a point of coming in from work, getting changed and heading down the park with my dog. Thanks to http://www.mapmyrun.com I have been able to confirm that the route we take (which is a loop) is a little over 4 miles. Despite my pup’s short legs, we can get round it in about an hour. It feels like a good workout and it helps me switch off after a day in the office so as well as physical benefits I feel as though my state of mind is improving too.

Although I would be the first to admit that I am a bit of a thinker and a worrier I find that when I am walking I hardly think about anything. Maybe the words to a song, maybe a brief mull of something that has happened that day. But mostly I am looking at my surroundings, watching my dog run around looking for sticks, listening to the birds - its all very relaxing even though I can feel myself heating up and getting a little - dare I say it - sweaty?

When I was out walking on Wednesday I actually found myself planning a new route for my next big cycle run this weekend! Having just purchased a special ladies saddle online (wider, softer, designed for the female nethers) and a pair of cycling capri pants with built in padding I am looking forward to their arrival next week  so I can head out unbruised!

Without realising it I have started to take my exercise seriously and want to prepare for it properly. And part of that preparation - like having the correct equipment  or clothing - is ensuring my body has sufficient fuel onboard.

I’m starting to see meals as a balance of protein and carbs so that I have strength and energy; drinking water so that am hydrated; eating fruit and veg because they fill the plate and fill me up.

Not that I think this way all the time - yesterday DH and I went into town and I had a slice of cheesecake with my coffee because it looked nice and I was hungry and we thought coffee and cake would be good.

But its a start right ?

A new weekly feature designed to encourage accountability over waffling - I am actually going to start logging my weight here. Then start charting it.

But this week - as I am exhausted - I’m gonna keep it plain and simple. This morning I weighed in at 159 pounds. This 4 pounds down from where I was when I started this blog.

Am I happy with this ? I suppose so - yes- when I see it in terms of a total 4 pound drop but it is harder to stay excited when the journey to get there is a slow slog with little to look at on the way.

But I shall be happy with this so far and keep on blogging and logging to ensure accountability.

I’m proud of my activity levels this past week - I’ve managed a 4 mile walk every days since Saturday so  thats 20 miles so far! And a 17 mile bike ride on Monday too - my butt is still killing me! The more I do the more encouraged I am to keep going.

See you next Wednesday….

Dear Cupcake,

It has been one of those weeks which has seemed to fly by but when I look back to this time last week, it seems like an age ago.

Last Monday we flew back for my Nan’s funeral set for the following morning. We were staying in a small hotel a 5 minute drive from the crematorium as mum was very worried about traffic and being late. She has been very stressed in general since she got the news about her mother. She’s not a very emotional person; not very good at talking about how she feels and so I think this is why it demonstrates itself in other ways (she has suffered with IBS for 20 years and episodes are worsened by anxiety.

At the service itself there was a palpable sense of relief that Nan’s suffering was over and that she had gone to a better place. She had a stroke about 8 yrs ago and her health has gradually deteriorated since, and six years ago we lost my grandad – they had been together for 70 yrs and it was something she never really got over.

There was a small wake afterwards – we’re a small family and it was nice to catch up with my cousins who I haven’t seen in the last 6 years. My aunt had brought some photos along and we passed them round. One of my Nan when she was about 25 has stuck in my head ever since. She is holding my aunt as a baby, and is standing next to my grandad. She looks very serious; her brown hair slicked and styled like they did in the late 1930’s and while my grandad is smiling, she looks as though she is less happy to be photographed.

It has stayed with me because while it is clearly my grandmother in the picture, it is not as the woman I new, with her silver hair set in rollers, her large framed glasses, her strong hands covered with liver spots, the skin of which fascinated me as a child because it had lost its elasticity. and didn’t spring back when it was pinched. My nan. But the picture was of a woman younger than I am now, holding her first child, at the start of world war two. Her name is May.

And it struck me how little I knew her and knew about her. And for that I am truly sorry.

By midday, the tea and coffee was finished and we hugged, shook hands and went our separate ways and back to our lives apart from each other. I’m not sure when I shall see these cousins and my aunt and uncle again now that nan has gone. She was the link in a small but disparate family. Isn’t that the strange thing about family – that we are connected by blood but that often isn’t enough to make us close.

Thank you cupcake for indulging this post about non-food related items. But I needed to get it off my chest.

Dear Cupcake,

This has been a long, bad, sad week.

My Nan passed away quite suddenly last Friday. Yes she was in her 90’s; yes we had been told she had taken a turn for the worse - but it was still a shock.  And living as far from home as I do it has been hard not being able to be with my mum at the time when she has lost her own.

The funeral is next Tuesday and I am flying home to be there.

I think the shock and grief have knocked my body for six as well. I have been laidlow with a terrible cold which has left me without any energy - yesterday I slept all afternoon so heavily that I physically couldn’t open my eyes. I’ve all manner of aches and pains in my back and hips now that I am paranoid it is developing into something more sinister (I do wish my overactive imagination could be put to more pratical and fruitful uses than fretting needlessly!)

I don’t mean to sound so sorry for myself - I’m exhausted again and dreading Tuesday.

I’ll be in touch again next week….

Til then….