Phat Mama

So here I am,  Miss Grumpy Bumpy over my weight loss efforts. I mentioned how I went to Vegas and lost something insane like 6 lbs, only to come home and gain 10 in a week (no lie, girls like me have uncanny talent) Seriously… who goes on vacation and loses weight? (ME!) and who comes home to gain it all back and then some (ME!). Somethings gotta give. So I’ve been battling these pounds for a few weeks, or as the calendar would have it, about a month. Goodness golly, time flies when you’re a yo-yo.

Anyway, I was just updating my progress pictures on here. Even though I’m nowhere near 188 (my fabulous vacation weight), I decided it’s fair enough to put pictures of me at that weight up on my progress page. It will give me something to look forward to again. As I was updating it, I was looking at my pics from last Christmas. Now mind you I’d already lost something like 20 lbs on WW last Christmas, I have to admit I’m kinda chubby bubby in that picture (can you tell I have a 2 year old and we like to rhyme?) I then realized that even though I felt like I had a hard year with WW’s in 2007, I wasn’t giving myself enough credit. I lost over 30 pounds in the year 2007 and dropped 6 sizes! There. I said it. How can I take 30 lbs for granted? That’s like 4 gallons of milk, that’s more than my toddler! The sad, sad thing though, is that when I see myself in my pictures from this year, even last month at Christmas time, all I see is a fat girl that hasn’t stayed on program enough, worked out enough, counted enough points, cooked enough, etc. BUT… when I see my pictures from LAST Christmas, 2006, I remember feeling SO good about myself and so accomplished, and I weighed 30 lbs. more than I do now! At the risk of sounding like my higher education is actually permeating my brain, and without getting too freakishly profound or holistic-schmistic, I submit to you the application of physics and the universe to dieting mentality… Some wise-ass physicist one made up a little theory… For every positive thing to occur, there is going to be some backlash (or blah blah, equal and opposite reaction). Doesn’t it make sense that the more positive victories we have, all the negative thoughts or reactions we’ve ever had might be brought to our mind? I swear I’ve never been so down as when I’m losing weight. I usually get upbeat when I’m getting back on track (or not doing so well, and the positive thoughts come to mind.)

For some reason, the thought of Steve Martin dressed up like a holy roller screaming “DEMONS OUUUUT!” makes me laugh uncontrollably. However, I think he was onto something. It’s time for me to cast these demons out of my head. I’m not fat. The scale has, in fact, been known to lie, and I have, in fact, been known to go on a wild bender because of it. Any weight loss is a LOSS. I can’t beat myself up over gaining 5, losing 3, gaining 4, losing 5. Ups and downs happen. I need to remember the big picture. If I gain a few, I step back and say wow! I still lost 50 something. I will only give myself permission to bludgeon myself with nasty names if I gain 50+ pounds, because honestly, I’d deserve it, and I know I’d never let myself get that out of control.

And now for some shameless self-promotion. After a 10 year hiatus, I started doing something I love again. I use to to be all about music and songwriting, but I don’t know what happened, it kinda died and life took over. Then the past couple months I’ve been wanting an outlet (since I had to give up food in lieu of a hot bod.) So if you’re bored, feel free to check out my music page at http://www.myspace.com/tigergilliam  I have 3 or 4 songs up that I wrote, played, and sang.

…it would take a competition and the promise of yummy popcorn and netflix to get me to start blogging again?  I’ve been avoiding this like the plague, I have no idea why. I’ve been doing pretty well, maintaining anyway. The typical up 5 down 5 over the past couple months. That being said, I am still under 200 which is awesome. I am committed to taking healthier steps this year. My weight loss has plateaud since about July. This isn’t because of any physiological thing. I know the reasons why - stress, family, marriage, school. My whole life has been in limbo for the past few months. I want it to move forward, both my life and the weight loss. I feel so much better about myself when I’m losing. I get rejuvenated when I step on the scale and see a loss, it’s such a great feeling. I’m a bit of a control fanatic (I refuse to use the word freak.) I actually read a great article and I’m trying to find it to link online. It’s about the 3 different types of control freaks. Those who want to control everyone else’s environment, those who want to control their own environment, and those who are afraid others are judging them so they grasp for any sort of control (I’m the latter).  I think that’s enough blogging for one day. How random. I’m going to go to bed now and dream about super yummy popcorn. I’m out to win  Roni’s Popcorn and a Movie Contest.

 I’m gonna post some pics soon of my bff’s wedding and the ever dreaded bridesmaid dress (that didn’t turn out tooooo bad). I had a rockin week in Vegas. I actually lost 6 lbs while I was there, only to come home and gain 10 haha. Oh, my life.

Happy New Year everyone!

p.s. Yes, it has come to my attention that my background is still a fall motif. This is because I’m a laggard, not an innovator and a more seasonally appropriate background will not be uploaded by me until a few weeks into spring. That’s just how I roll.

My father in law is a sap for anyone selling anything. He bought some cookie dough from some kids who came panhandling through here a few weeks ago, and it arrived tonight. I misheard him saying he wanted to take some cookies to work, so I got right on baking some. Apparently he doesn’t go into work until Thursday night though. They weren’t so bad pointwise- one cookie was 3 points (I really, really get mad that no one adds fiber to anything - these cookies could have easily been 2 pts/each). So I made a dozen regular sized, then the next batch I halved the size of the cookies, so you could get two for the price of one kinda thing. They came out almost the same size as the 1oz. balls of dough, I was shocked! So I was a semi-good girl and only ate two small ones (=1 reg.) for 3 pts , but then I have that nasty habit of eating dough while I’m baking, so I’m gonna count 2 pts for the dough, so a total of 5 for my cookie adventure.

 I weighed in at the meeting yesterday and I was down 2.6 lbs. I have a hard time being upbeat about these losses (this is my second loss in 2 weeks) because I’m losing weight I gained back now. I have about 6 lbs before I’ll be back to where I was. However, I do love this feeling of losing weight. I need to remind myself about that. I fit into my clothes better, my body feels tighter, I just love it! However I have this sense of impending doom in the back of my head, like its only a matter of time until I fall off the wagon again. I realized just now that it doesn’t have to happen. I can control it! There may be days where its hard to feel full, or I am tempted by too many things. I need to remember that the nights where I went to bed feeling a little hungry, or the times I didn’t eat whatever goodies I wanted, I didn’t wake up feeling deprived. I actually felt good. And I think I’m slow enough in the head that I could just tell myself “suuure, you had some cheesecake it was FABULOUS!” and then I won’t think about later how deprived I have been. If only that would work.

I started doing some push ups daily. I could barely do 1 when I started, now I’m to the point where I can barely do 4 without taking a breather, but thats 4 more than I use to do! I do 10 push ups (girl push ups, obviously) in the AM and at night. Dr. Oz says women age 30 should be able to do 45 girl push ups, so I figure I should be able to do 50. Someday I will. Yay, its nice to have a goal.

 Now is the time where I set me some goals, yeehaw y’all! I want these goals to be met by Christmas, exactly 9 weeks from today.

1- 191 weight. I don’t know why I picked this, but it sounds good. I remember weighing it once before and feeling thin-ish, so I want to get to that point. After I get that weight, I want to be 187. I vividly remember weighing that on some crash diet, and it too felt good. I kinda combined these since there is only a 4 lb variation between it, so I suppose its a two part goal. The 187 is only 15 lbs from now, anyway.

2- To be able to do 20 push ups.

3- Complete 4 workouts a week, 2 of these must be at the gym (I’m sick of paying for a membership I don’t use.)

4- I want to be within goal weight range by April 15th,  25 weeks away. I can totally do a pound a week.

I have no idea what to reward myself with. The only thing that comes to mind is food (obviously out) and spa-type services (bor-ing) so I’ll have to think of some alternatives.

I started this morning off alright. I ate some cereal, but was very unhappy about having to eat it. I’ve been really partial to some oat bran hot cereal because its only 2 points and the serving size is enormous! I usually add some cocoa powder to it to make it a little chocolately (like chocolate malt o’meal) but my mom had already made some cereal earlier so I felt it would be rude to snub her and the cereal she made. So that left me unsatisfied. Then I went to eat lunch and used some mini whole wheat pitas from Trader Joes to make mini pizza bites. They were excellent! But despite their near perfect appeal and taste, I would have rather they been cooked in the oven, therefore Satisfied 0, Unsatisfied 2. 

 Well I had to have something else, so I grabbed a WW 1 pt. chocolate cake. As I was eating it I was really wishing it was creme filled. Satisfied 0, Unsatisfied 3.

 I ate some fat free pringles as I was driving back from an afternoon spent at a Fall Farm, the places where they have corn mazes, tractor rides, petting zoos, etc. I was thinking “these would be so much better if I had a sandwich or something..” Satisfied 0, Unsatisfied 4.

Then I was like “mmm, pizza….” so I went to some place everyone raves about. It wasn’t the BEST pizza I’ve ever had, but it was good. However, it wasn’t the best, and apparently I’m some kind of food snob now that is never satisfied. Satisfied 0, Unsatisfied 5.

Then I hit the bags of WW candy I bought to put around the house in an attempt to stop me from eating all the 2 and 3 point regular Halloween candy. I’m not going to complain about those taste wise, but I wanted to eat the whole bag, not just 1 piece (of each variety that is haha!) Satisfied 0, Unsatisfied 6.

I came home and started to pick at the pizza, like maybe they made only one piece that tasted really good and it was up to me to find it. Satisfied 0, Unsatisfied 7.

I just remembered I ate a piece of string cheese. I normally like it, but I knew it was low fat and only 1 point so for that reason I was unsatisfied. Satisfied 0, Unsatisfied 8. 

I just want more more more! I was about to eat something else, then I realized there is no possible way I could be hungry. I have to be full, you can’t consume 4 little pieces of pizza, 2 1/2 breadsticks and 3 pieces of candy without being somewhat full? Am I confusing being satisfied with being full? Do I get to eat a piece of candy for my brilliant realization that there is a difference between being full and being satisfied, and just because I’m not satisfied doesn’t mean I’m not full? I never realized it, but if I’m not happy or satisfied about something in my life, it doesn’t make it immune from my eating habits. Food won’t ever make me completely happy (pretty close, I mean come on, who hasn’t orgasmed over a whoopie pie?!?) I need to not use food as a bandaid and at the same time I need to adjust my attitude about what will satisfy me. Just because I’m not satisfied with some aspect of my life, whatever it is, that doesn’t mean it has to spill over to something that can be very enjoyable (food!) If Oprah were here to read this, she’d totally tell me I just had a lightbulb moment.
And in conclusion…

Satisfied- 0

Unsatisfied- 8 +

Full- OVERLY FULL

Points I wasted today trying to be satisfied - Probably all of them, but it was the last 9 that threw me over my daily limit.

Points I’m going to waste again by only considering my satisfaction and not true hunger- NONE!

I went over by 2 points today, but you know what? It was an apple that put me over. Big freakin waaaaa. I hate saying I’m using my flexpoints because I can vividly recall eating at a buffet this week, and not only did I eat at a buffet this week, I went 100+ miles out of my way to eat at this buffet. Anyhoo, I made a resolution to myself that I won’t weigh myself unless its at the gym or at a WW meeting. I haven’t gone to a meeting this week, maybe I should hit one up tomorrow morning but then again I might as well get back on track and weigh in on Monday. I was debating whether to switch to Saturdays though… it seems like the weekend is always killer for me. I don’t know what to do yet. I don’t like the meetings on Saturday, but I suppose I could just weigh in then attend the meeting of my choice. It just seems to be so much better when you weigh in and go to the meeting all at once. But considering my up and down routine I’ve adapted to the past couple months, a twice a week appearance at WW might not be uncalled for. Don’t alcoholics have to check in more than once a week?

I made the BEST dessert I’ve ever made while on WW. I made some Mexican type food for dinner so I thought why not finish it off with some flair? I love churros, but that just sounds complicated. I guess I just wanted the cinnamon sugar, so I threw together some things and came up with ‘Not Quite Fried Ice Cream’. It was divine!  I’m posting it to my recipes and I’ll probably make it again tomorrow because it was soooo good and I’ll throw together some pics.

Anyways I’m pleased with myself. As I said I did go over a couple points, but it was for an APPLE. Seriously, how harmful can that be? If I hadn’t eaten that third FiberOne bar. I skipped breakfast so I had one before I hit the gym. Then I came home and was bored sitting in front of the computer and wondered how long it takes me to eat them (my husband swallows them whole I think, it takes me quite awhile.) I timed it and it took 6 minutes. I savor them. After I ate it I was so impressed with myself for savoring something instead of scarfing it. Then I thought to myself “Wow, I ate it so slow I didn’t really get to just bite into it and eat it,” and that was my reasoning for scarfing down another one. That one only took about 1 minute to eat, and it only took that long because I dropped a piece on the floor and I lost some time searching for it. Oh how I wish I were joking…

Everytime I start to lose weight, I get really cocky. I like fitting into new clothes, I think I look really great, I feel good, and all of that goes to my head. I walk around saying to myself “I will never be that person who gets savagely hungry again, or who scavenges through the cupboards.  I can’t imagine ever feeling like I need to stuff my face again.” Well, all I can say to that is WRONG! I can’t deny that I have eating issues, and they don’t go away just because I’m doing “good” on the program. I’ve been off for about 2 weeks (well, try 2 months going up 5, going down 5) and I think I’ve almost had it. I don’t like being the way I am. I remember when I started WW, I couldn’t imagine being close to goal, it seemed so far off and it was all very discouraging.  Now I’m only 30 something away (I’ve already lost 50) and it’s like I don’t care.  I broke into the 190’s in June/July, but haven’t seen them since. I get so mad at myself for going off program, because I will diligently go back on and lose 5 lbs. If I had never gained that 5 lbs back to begin with, I would have been at goal well over a month ago!

 It’s been kind of hard with my mom around. She is also on WW and has a little ways to go.  We were both doing good when I was staying with her while my husband was moving out here.  But as soon as she came out with me and we added more people (and dietary choices) to the mix, it blew up. Either she was on program, or I was, but never at the same time.  Shortly after she went back home, she was doing well again, and so was I. Now she’s back again and we’re into that tug o war of who is going to be good today. She sabotages me, I sabotage her. We are never in sync and it’s very difficult.  Cooking in general is very diffecult. My husband and his dad will eat anything as long as it isn’t point friendly or good for you, my little toddler has food allergies so I have to cut out wheat, milk, eggs, and a zillion other things, so I end up cooking 3 or 4 different meals. It’s TOO EXHAUSTING! I have been trying to stay away from this blog because I don’t want to be accountable.  I’ve also stopped going to meetings because I don’t want a huge weigh in, so I will do really good all week to get near my last weigh in weight, only to screw up on the weekend and never make it to the meeting.

 I’ve had really bad tunnel vision with WW and I think it’s good to step back for a couple weeks to deal with it, but not 2 months! I think week to week, what’s my weight going to be, what pants weigh the least so I don’t gain .2 more than I really did, etc.  Do I honestly think these eating issues are just going to disappear because I’ve made it to an acceptable weight?  I need to pound in lifestyle change, lifestyle change, lifestyle change to my internal memory. I get stuck with eating the same things, or even if they aren’t the same things, I end up with around the same amount of points after lunch - usually 19. I’m afraid to use my points, I sorta hoard them because I don’t think I could deal with not being able to eat ANYTHING after dinner, or just one snack at night. This is making me depressed, and it is consuming my life right now.  I do so much better when I am busy all day, then I don’t think about what to eat.  I need to plan better for meals.  I’m in school more than full time and I’ve been neglecting it because I wander around like a zombie, debating whether I’m going to be good today or just have the “eff it” attitude. And neglecting school means my days aren’t filled up, which means all I think about is FOOD! It’s a viscious cycle.

 Also, I had an insight about my eating.  My mom is a foodaholic, hands down no question. I think growing up with her and that attitude all around me, I always assumed that I was a person like that. But the other day, I realized “I’m not my mom!” I really am not her, I am not her habits. I immediately stopped shoving food into my mouth just because it was there. I also stopped gorging. There is nothing wrong with eating a bowl of cereal and I have it in my make up to stop after only one. Somehow I have it in my head that an unmeasured bowl of cereal is a cheat, so if I’m going to cheat, by damn I’m going to cheat!

My brother is visiting here this week. I’m amazed at the kind of eater he is. We bought these pieces of cake at safeway (totally, 100% my biggest guilty pleasure for a minor 18 pts) and I ate mine within a half hour.  I saw he was eating his too, so I thought he’d finished his like I had. Then the next morning I saw that he had almost 3/4 of it left in the fridge. I couldn’t believe it (as I was sneaking a bite of it haha)!  He looks forward to his meals and savors them. He doesn’t eat anything in sight just because he’s hungry, he will wait until his food has cooked and eat it all at once, where as I will eat the chicken right off the grill as I’m waiting for the rice to finish steaming or the veggies to finish cooking, leaving me totally unsatisfied. I need to be more like him.  I really do think our food personality is 95% mental, and only 5% habit. I’m gonna take some time and try to balance mine out again. And I’m going to a meeting Monday, regardless of how much I weigh.

Yes, I am a cookie monster. How horrible is this: My father in law asked me to mail my brother and sister in law some boxes of stuff they left at his house.  I have a FedEx discount so I went and did it.  But before I mailed them, I had to play detective to see what exactly was being shipped.  Originally I wanted to make sure nothing of mine was being sent off to them by mistake.  Well, I don’t think those two bags of Pepperidge Farm cookies were for me, but I sure as hell did claim them. As you can see from my previous food journal, this event occurred yesterday.  I don’t even really enjoy those cookies. However, they were sitting in the sun for so long that they almost had a fresh baked appeal to them. I’m going craaazy.  Last night I had more than one bowl of cereal, a hot dog, and something else (I can’t recall, I was feasting so plentifully.) Today I ate like 3 1/2 cookies on top of a full day of food. Why?!! What’s getting into me? I just can’t seem to constrain myself.  I skipped my meeting this week because I didn’t want to go and tip over 200. I think I sabotaged myself by not going.  I can be such a complete dolt sometimes. ARRGHH! The husband has been nagging me to spend some time with him, so we did tonight. We did sit ups, crunches, push ups and hip abductor like things.  It’s nice to have a work out buddy, I hope we keep it up.  I think my motivation for losing weight isn’t cutting it any more. I’ve been using it as source of power and control, instead of health and personal fulfillment.  I have a history of some pretty serious no-no eating behaviors and I’m afraid I might slip back. I was doing so great on plan, and then life happened! I went for over a month with extremely large losses and now I feel like I’m out of control and not at the helm anymore.  Maybe I should hit a meeting tomorrow sometime, even if I don’t weigh in, just for some support.  I’m heading for a trainwreck.  I can’t leave without saying SOMETHING positive. Hmm..It’s really good that I’ve stuck with this for a year, even if I took time off. The fact that I went back should speak volumes to myself and that inner nagging I have about my resolve. I can do this!

I’m glad the blogs are up again because now I can be more accountable! I hit a major goal recently, and you’d think that would have buoyed me up.  Instead I either got cocky, or just plain wigged out and went on a self-destructing binge.  I hit my 50 lb loss on July 2nd.  I was on retreat (long story) outside of Philly and visited the WW there.  I was actually shooting for anything that would bring me under 200 lbs. I came in at 196, with a weekly loss of 4.4, bringing my total loss to 51 lbs. 

It felt great.  It was my 5th straight week of pretty big losses.  For the first time, I didn’t see myself AS fat as I thought I was.  I tried on some size 14 jeans and they fit. I’ve been wearing 18s, 20s, maternity still.  I even got into some size 12’s. I couldn’t believe it! It was almost too much to take in, and it seemed like I was (and still am) obsessed with my weight and what I look like. I’m constantly asking my husband “how many pounds until I look like that girl” as I point people out in public.  I don’t believe him when he says we’re about the same, or about 10 lbs away. It seems completely wrong to me. 

The week following my huge loss, I weighed in at 199. I was horrified and it was downhill from there. We ate out once (I’ve avoided doing so for a few months), I ate cheesecake (it was sooo good), I did almost everything I shouldn’t.  I didn’t weigh in this week even though it’s my 1 year anniversary at WW.  I couldn’t bear the possibility that I may have gone over 200.  I lost so much weight in the past 6 weeks, that it was almost unreal and it caused unreal expectations. I was so stressed and barely eating any points.  No wonder I could lose almost 17 lbs in that time!  I know I need to get back on plan. I went from one extreme of eating nothing to the other of eating everything.  I’ve been buying pants on clearance a couple sizes smaller than I am now.  I am using those as a gauge to see if I’m losing or not. 

I also purchased some pills called Alli.  My friend saw it on The View and said they really work.  I researched it, and thought what do I have to lose.  I haven’t had any of the horrible side effects they claim can happen, presumably because I’m already on a low-fat diet and don’t usually over-indulge.  I’m going to weigh in on Monday and see where I’m at. I’ve been moving more, which is good. I need to set time aside and make it a priority. It’s so miserable living in the swamp though (my affectionate term for the Washington DC area.)  I guess this would be a good chance to use that gym membership I pay for.

I’m going through a really rough spot in my life right now - school, marriage, family.. It seems like everything has happened at once and my sanity has been caught in the crossroads. I don’t want this to be a time where I turn to food for comfort.  I want to turn away from it and get comfort from things that help improve my life, not destroy it.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of myself, not turn away because I’m so ashamed. I feel like my weight says far more about all my failures than just some extra pounds.  Hopefully if I shed them, I can shed those feelings of failure also. Man, I need therapy