I promised myself I would be good this weekend.  And in many ways I succeeded.  I had a rough week at work, and found that I wasn’t home until after 8:00 pretty much every night except for one.  On that night I enjoyed my home by doing laundry and trying to make it only into half the mess that it is.  It felt good, almost.  I really miss having a clean place to come home to, and I have been working and playing too hard to maintain it.  But, I made the choice to go out and have fun, and I made the choice to strip down and dump my clothes all over the floor rather than move them that whole 3 feet to the laundry hamper.  It is getting better slowly, but I have to say that I would almost kill for a clean bathroom.  Maybe tonight if I can get out of work at a reasonable time.

Weight loss is a little slower than I want it to be.  I have not really decided that it is fully a bad thing.  I am exercising pretty regularly and I am seeing the difference in my clothing… finally.  I had been hoping to be at 213 by the first wedding that I am going to, but realistically, I don’t think that is going to happen.  It is 20 days away, and I have 9 pounds to go.  It is okay though.  I have been working hard and I will continue to work hard. 

Anyways, I am looking forward to heading to the gym tonight.   I put in about 7 miles this weekend, and I am anxious to do some weights tonight.  I really like the idea of my lean musle whatever working to get me skinnier while I sit at my desk.  I do my best to throw in the stairs a few times a day but really at the office I can only do so much.  Now, back to work. 

I look forward to having some time tonight to check out some other blogs.  The stories here are great, and I am looking forward to all of our continued success.

I am fighting frustration today.  I saw it.  224.5.  Below my 20 lb goal.  It was beautiful.  I celebrated my 20 pound loss with a 5 mile walk, cause surely 20 pounds means that I am fit now and should be spending more time in the great outdoors being healthy.  And then, one little mistake.  I went out with friends that afternoon with an ungodly amount of points left.  18 to make it through the evening, not counting exercise points or my flexpoints.  At the restaurant I chose a very healthy spinach salad with some grilled chicken breast, and a glass of wine.  And then to our other friends birthday where I thought I had room for dessert.  I split, not drank on my own, I split a milkshake with my boyfriend.   Who knew what a sin that was going to be?!?  Somehow by the end of the evening not only had I managed to bypass my points and my exercise points which I hardly ever take, but I also found my way into my flex points.  The horror of it all!

So the next morning I woke up 2 pounds heavier.  2 pounds!  Are you kidding me?  I just do not understand how it is so slow and painful in coming off, but damn, as far as putting it back on goes, it just leaps!  No gradual 1/2 a pound for me.  No, it is always in whole numbers, and it is always something ridiculous!  Again, I shared the milkshake!  Give me a stinking break here!

Today, I am at 225.5, and while I know that I should be celebrating, I am not.  I am pissed.  Pissed, Pissed Pissed!   I had aspirations to be further by now.  I planned my weight loss for reasonable amounts, nothing more than 1-2 pounds a week, and I am now sitting at the same weight that I was at 3 weeks ago.  My boyfriend suggested that I not worry aobut it.  He mentioned that dreaded word…plateau.  I disagreed.  Personal responsibility, and I failed.  

I fully admit to weighing myself every day.  I know that it is better not to because of fluctuations like this, but I see that scale first thing in the morning and before I say no, the number is already there.  I do however also try for a weekly goal, and I do that Wednesday to Wednesday.  I’ve got 2 days to make something happen.  So, let’s do it!

I’ve been setting 10 pound goals, and okay, here I am again at 226.  One pound to go to make that 2o lb goal.  I want it!  I missed spin last night, but have aspirations for good workouts tonight and tomorrow.   Sunday, well, I just don’t know about Sunday.   I’m still working on a way to balance the social life that I crave with the weight loss goals that I have.   I will say that I can tell you about the dinner salads at every restaurant in a 5 block radius of where I work and a fair amount of the other salads throughout the city.  What I like, what I don’t like, which ones trick you into thinking that they are healthy until you do the point calculations later. 

 So, again, wish me luck today.  By Monday, I plan to report that I have conquered it and that I am starting on my way to 30.

I was really hoping for hitting 225 today.  Instead, I found myself at a restaurant last night with too many options for foods that I might want to plan better for before eating.  I hate to say food I can’t eat.  I really don’t want to.  I have to say, up until now, I have not really given up anything.  I have simply changed how I have been eating it.  With 28 points, I feel like I generally have room to do that.   As I lose more weight and adjust my points with that, that might become more difficult, but I hope not.  I get a lot of joy out of eating, and there are a lot of tasty high calorie treats out there that I like the idea of trying someday with responsibility.    And, I truly do believe that if I deprive myself, I might just fail, and I am not okay with that option. 

 So, modifying.  Well first, I have started eating more meals each day which I am starting to really enjoy.  I too was a fan of skipping breakfast.  I mean seriously, given the option to sleep in for 15-20 more minutes or to eat the crap that my very healthy parents were trying to feed us, it was an easy choice.  And well, I just never really changed that habit in the many years since I have lived with them.  I now eat breakfast at work by eating either a quick bowl of oatmeal (I generally don’t use the little pouches, but will mix 1/2 cup of the big container with 1/2 a cup of frozen mixed berries, and then add water from the coffee machine at the office) or a quick smoothie in our Magic Bullet that isn’t really good for anything else, but seems to at least have enough power to mix these up  (1 c. yogurt with about 1-2 points worth of whatever fruit is handy… today was 1/2 orange and 1/2 c. crushed pineapple).  Neither are my favorites  (mmm… eggs and lowfat sausage with an array of veggies tossed in), but during the work week, they keep me going, and they are fast and easy.   I also took up eating snacks.  An ounce of cheese goes much further than I thought it would, and combined with some grape tomatoes, celery sticks, or strips of chopped up bell pepper and I am a happy girl.  With lunch and dinner I still make the same things, but I have modified my portion sizes.  I had no idea how much meat I was eating!  I had no idea how much I was eating period.

 I think maybe I might start posting my meals on line here like others.  I really try to avoid a lot of super processed foods like Lean Cuisines and well I try to be careful about how much other pre-packaged goodies we eat at home.  I’m not saint, I mean really fat-free Jello and fat-free fudgescicles are definitely in my diet, but I try not to eat them too often.  I was raised by super healthy organic types, and while I cannot afford to maintain that lifestyle, I do still try to be semi careful.  Well, that and the fact that I’m always hungry after trying to eat a frozen dinner and have found that I can make my own meals, freeze them, and only have them be a point or two more, if even… 

 Anyways, that was not at all what I meant to write about!  I wanted to say that I had dinner out, and I made choices that were not as good as they could have been.  I ate too much.  I was uncomfortable afterwards.  Then I got home and did my points and had a wave of self disgust.  I had made my choice to eat a salad, and fell into temptation.  People, make a plan and stick with it!  Don’t open the menu, just go with what you had already decided on from the version online!  The good news is that I didn’t do as bad as I could have.  The bad news is that I did not make my goal of being at 20 pounds down today. Instead, I gained one.    But, it is going to be okay.  It is one day and it was one meal.  And I started today with a good attitude.

 I am into my flex points and only on the first day of what I count my week (Wednesday to Wednesday) and well, it means that I am going to have to be careful this weekend and plan harder.   I can do that.  I will do that.  And today I am trying to double up at the gym.  I’ve been trying to incorporate a yoga class into my schedule because I am terrible at stretching out after my workouts, and now I have done that over my lunch break.  Tonight I will hit my new spin class and hopefully tomorrow will look better on the scale. 

Now, it is back to work for me.  I hope you all out there are having a successful day! 

I’m off to eat dinner tonight and fight temptation.  Dinner tonight is scheduled for either an Italian restaurant or for Hard Times a local diner that specializes in chili.  I love their chili.   I’ve done the points and figured out my best options.  And I’ve saved up my points throughout the day to make sure that I don’t do too bad.  Before going I think I might try to hit the gym.  A few exercise points to help myself along the way.   I’m aiming chicken salad for dinner, but restaurants are always hard.  Hope you all out there have great successful evenings.

So, one of my reasons for dedication to my diet plan this time is that I will be attending 5 weddings this year.  In the last one, I will be standing as a bridesmaid.  Though I know that my best friends accept me as  I am, that does not mean that I want to be flipping through the pictures and saying “Oh holy God, I look like a brown cow in that dress!”.  It isn’t my first choice in motivation, but it is a powerful one. 

 It makes me happy to know that I had already started on my eating healthy plan, before her proposal and before knowing that I would be standing up for her.  It was and is about me.  I can proudly say that today I am 19 pounds down.  I had made 20 two weeks ago, but took a step back while I was vacationing, celebrating my birthday, and celebrating friends.  It has been hard to get back on track, and I am hoping to stay there.  The first wedding is on April 27, and I had hoped to be another 13 pounds down by then.  Originally this was realistic if I was losing at the healthy 1-2 pounds per week rate.  Now, I’m not so sure if I am going to make it.  I have 39 days.  It means a little harder push which I am thinking will be okay since I am not trying to maintain large weight loss goals for my weight loss plan.  I have to say, I won’t be too disappointed if I am still a little over by then.  This is really about the big picture, and I need to know that no matter what I can be happy with who I am.     And honestly, I am.  I have a great life, with great people in it.  I’m happy.  I look forward to a long healthy life, and I see this as a big part of it. 

Now after a big glass of water, I’m getting back to it.  I look forward to telling you all tomorrow that I am at 225.  That is 2o proud pounds down.

I’m still really excited about finding this site.  I don’t pretend to be savvy about creating a page, so any tips that anyone has would be welcome.  As I look at other people’s sites, I see great pictures showing progress, and I see great charts showing weightloss.  How on earth did you guys set these separate pages up?  I laughed at myself when I found today that I had three comments on my last post, and it took me a good two or three seconds to figure out how to post them.  I was thrilled to receive the support, and wanted to share their words with everyone. 

I was thinking today about what I want from my weight loss experience.  First, I want for it to be permanent.  I want to learn a new way of living that is realistic for me.   I want to not give up any of the great things that I do in my life, but I want to find a way to control how I choose to react to the food that these events notoriously have connected with them.  Take for example the engagement party I was at on Friday evening.  I ate on target for my breakfast, lunch, and two snacks.  I walked out of the office confident with the 13 points that I had for dinner, and with plenty of room with my flexpoints.  I failed.  I ate everything in sight and was still hungry after.   I went to bed that night disappointed in myself.

This is something that I want to work on.  I love my friends, and I don’t want to turn down activities because of a fear of falling off my weight loss goals.  I feel like there has to be an in-between.  I feel like in some cases I can bring a healthy meal/snack alternative, but there are those nights of drinking binges that always seem to involve an ungodly amount of chicken nuggets or other snacky bits of wonder.  So, in those cases, am I going to have to just let it go and start fresh the next meal?  How do you let go of the guilt? 

 I recognize that I will need to make some changes.  Some I have already started to incorporate.   My boyfriend and I are already working to put more whole grains into our diets.  We are working to cut out some of the refined sugars, but realistically know that we are not ready at this point in our lives to give them up completely.  I have to say that I do appreciate that about Weight Watchers.  It definitely gives you what your best options are, but it realistically gives you the points of the splurges that we all make from time to time. 

I have a long road ahead of me.   I understand that it will take time to lose weight.  I understand that it will take work to create different plans that will realistically work for each different event.  But it is frustrating.  I want to be on track with my goals.  I want to blame it all on something.  Because of a trip to CA, an engagement party, a St. Patrick’s Day party, and a rough hung over Sunday, I am only know just getting back on track.  Only the truth is that I made choices.  And I will make choices again.  If I want this to work, I am going to have to look at this as a learning process and try to make better ones for next time.     

I weighed 245 at my highest point.  I just seemed to lose control of everything, and even though I had promised myself that I would never go higher then 22o, and then later promised myself that I would never go above 230, there I was.  My very supportive boyfriend didn’t care.  He loves me. 

It was just before Christmas that the two of us came to a decision that it was time to start losing weight.  It has been a little rocky, but I think that we are well on our way.  Well, at least I felt that way until Wednesday when I stepped on the scale after a 5 day trip home to CA.   In just that short time I put 5 pounds back on.  5!  That is a a pound a day.  How is that even possible?  It made me question my success.  It made me feel like I was going to fail. 

So, I found you all, and I thought about everything I heard about having a support system, and journaling, and about finding responsibility.   And I thought maybe I will try it.