My Tales From the Scale

I was reading PastaQueen’s blog this week and she wrote something that resonated so much with me. She was saying how she had gained a few pounds back (never having quite gotten all the way to her goal, but close). It was because she couldn’t admit to herself that she was ALWAYS going to have to be careful with her food intake. She was talking about going to a restaurant and realizing she was going to have to have a salad, even though she wanted something else, because if she wanted to be able to continue to weigh what she weighs (or less), she was going to have to start putting into practice the reality that you can’t always eat what you want, when you want it. Even when you’re nearly at goal. Even when you’re at goal. Pretty much you have to live that way for the rest of your life.

I get it. I so get it. I’ve been flipflopping around here since about March. Not losing, and slowly inching back up the scale. At first it was 128. Then 129. I was cool as long as I didn’t break 130 again. But I wasn’t tracking. I was not instinctively ordering salad when I was out like I did all last year. I wasn’t always making the best choice. I was eating french fries again. And ice cream. And pizza. And not in the conservative amounts that allowed me to lose weight (though I NEVER touched fries the whole time I was losing), but nearly in the amounts that I was eating when I was heavy. I just wasn’t willing to admit to myself that this “lifestyle” that I talked so eagerly about all last year really had to be just that.

I got busy working, too, so the workouts fell off. And at some point in May, I went past 130. I started to get used to it. My new clothes still fit, and honestly, it was only a few pounds. I knew I was slipping, but I wasn’t willing to get back in the game. I tried to use SparkPeople to ignite my motivation again. I’m a geek at heart, and I loved the geekiness of tracking that way.

But it wasn’t what I was used to. And while I still want to take advantage of the charts and graphs and such there, I had problems logging food there. The site was sluggish. And I didn’t find it easy to use, not nearly as easy as eTools had been. But still, I kept eating and more worrisome, I kept drinking. The drinking was really adding up.

And finally, I hit tilt. I stepped on the scale this Monday and it read 135.4. Holy crap. How did this happen? I’m up 8.6 lbs from my low point, and no where near my goal anymore. I couldn’t believe it.

So I pulled out my WW books. I pulled out the trackers that I had leftover because I’d been doing it online. And I started tracking. The good old fashioned way. Back to 18 points as the target. Back to measuring out my portions. Back to really being conscious about water, and vitamins, and oils, and dairy. Back to basics.

Today is day 3. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it said 131.8. Now I know that I haven’t really lost 3.6 pounds. I know it’s mostly water. But I feel encouraged that the tools I know will work, are working. I feel back in the driver’s seat. And I’m back in the game.

Today was a good day. The first really overall on plan day I’ve had in a while.

I think when I look back on the day, it all amounts to two things: time and preparation.

Time that I didn’t plan on having allowed me a four mile walk this morning. I was able to jog for probably nearly a mile of it (I’m wearing a heart monitor but not a pedometer). The weather here broke yesterday so it was a cool, early summer morning in the Northeast; perfect for walking. Just me and my iPod, and I could have gone on forever. I forgot how nice that feels. I need to try and get up early this weekend do it again.

Preparation. I wanted to make myself a pita pizza like I’ve seen on Roni’s blog, and I had gone to the grocery after my walk to get all of the fixing, plus some other general good things to have in the house like salad items and vegetables and fruits. But I ran out of time to be able to cook the pizza, so I ended up having a pita sandwich with laughing cow cheese, chicken breast I’d had from leftovers, spinach, cucumbers and roasted red peppers. It was SO delicious and satisfying, and even more so because I knew how good it was for me and staying on program.

After I got home from my midday meeting and picking up the kids, I was hungry again. Instead of reaching for the carbs like I have been in the last little while, I got out the half a watermelon I’d purchased at the store yesterday and diced it all up to have on hand. I ate probably two cups of it, and it totally stopped the hunger at a very small calorie price.

I think I’ve gotten a little sloppy about food and food prep lately. Having the right foods on hand and trying to make them as easy and accessible as possible made today a good food day. I’m looking forward to another good one tomorrow!

So…it’s been about a month or so now that I’ve been getting a little frustrated. Frustrated that I have put back on five or so of the pounds I lost. Last week I was able to get to the Y a lot, but I didn’t rein in the food that much at all. And I know that the food is the key to everything…but I just kept balking. I’m being a balker, and it’s showing up at the scale. I’m not eating terribly, but I’m also not being very conscious of what I’m eating, or how much. And if I learned anything in the course of my journey through weight loss, it’s that the careful management of food intake is what leads to success.

This week, I didn’t get to the gym barely at all. My freelance work fired up again (it ebbs and flows) and so I just didn’t get to the gym. I would have thought about going early in the morning but hubby has been away for the last month during the week; so that kills that idea. And I just can’t seem to muster the motivation after the kids go to bed these days. n

So this morning as I sat on my laptop instead of going for the walk I should have been doing, I started searching on Weight Watchers to see what the online membership costs. I really did love the eTools online last year and it really helped me keep track of the food. It was so simple because you never had to look anything up; you just type it in, the website does all the calculating, and you’re set. I loved the graphs and the geek fun of it all.

But I got totally irritated to see that an online membership costs just as much as the monthly pass I’d been using to go to meetings. Part of why I’m “off” is because I dropped the monthly pass when I hit goal; you don’t have to pay anymore when you are a lifetime member and within two pounds of your goal. I figured the eTools would not cost as much as a full membership would. Guess what? It does. And while I totally see my need to track, there’s no way I’m paying $50 a month to do it.

So I had this vague memory of reading about a website called Spark People on some weight loss blog somewhere. I remembered that it was supposed to help you track nutritional information. So I went on. And DAYUM! It’s basically eTools without the points. It allows you to input all of your food and it automatically calculates the calories, carbs, fat, etc. It is searchable with brand name items like eTools. You can input items as well and it will save them (for foods you eat a lot that aren’t in the database). It is amazing and just what I was looking for. And it’s FREE!

So I’m back in the game. I feel energized. I feel inspired. Maybe that’s nuts but it helps me feel like it is manageable. Like I know what I’m consuming and what it does to the totals for the day. I was able to eat a WW yogurt and a minibagel and coffee and see exactly what the damage was. Since I know the rough calculation for points, I know generally what the points value is. It’s enough for where I am, with about ten pounds left to go. After I input my breakfast, I hit the treadmill, and then input the calories burned into the site as well for tracking (since I have that great new heart monitor, I know exactly how much I burned!).

I am so glad I found it. There is a ton more in there that I look forward to exploring.

So I have followed this one weight loss blog since nearly the beginning of my journey. I’ve never commented to this woman, never met this woman, don’t even necessarily think I’d like this person if I ever met her in real life. But I read her blog every week, watched as she lost 30,40,50 lbs while I was losing my weight. I knew her weigh in day and I was always very impressed with her losses. She lost something like 95 lbs over the course of just over a year or something.

This winter, though, I noticed she started to falter. Her losses became less and not as consistent. She wasn’t at her goal yet, but she’d lost a significant amount of weight. She would gain a week now and then instead of getting regular losses.

And then I noticed her blog entries dropped off. She didn’t post every week. She’d post once every three or so, saying how busy she was. And sometimes she’d update her weight tracker, but not always.

You’d think I was talking about myself, right? I’m seriously not, but it’s totally weird to me how this woman’s pattern and my own are so similar. I got veryveryvery close to my goal this winter. And you can see in my tracker how I leveled off. I probably haven’t lost consistently since December. I have been within the same five pound range certainly since early January. Which was kind of OK with me. I was OK with resting a bit and enjoying how far I’d come. I was still very close. I’d lost 35 lbs.

Except then…I did what I always seem to do, which is why weight has always been a constant struggle for me. I stopped being diligent. I started to feel like I didn’t always have to order salad. Or drink the water. Or avoid french fries. Or work out nearly every day. And you can guess what’s happened, right?

I’ve gained some back. Not a lot, but enough to give me some pause. In the last month I’ve been trying to shed three or so pounds that seem to have decided to take up residence. I’ve not seen the 120s for a few weeks now. And this weekend, after some major Memorial Day partying, I saw 134 on my scale. Yeouch. That’s down to 131 today, but still. That’s beyond a little float and into “getting too comfortable” land.

So I’m trying to get refocused. This truly is going to be a lifelong commitment, and I need to get over it. I didn’t blog because I was embarassed. And I haven’t been to meetings either, because I’ll have to pay. But I need to get over it. I know I can do it, and I know I have the tools. The only thing standing in the way, is what has always stood in the way. And that’s me.

I didn’t weigh in at WW this week because I got a new freelance job. So this is unofficial but I HAD to blog about it anyway.

When I stepped on the scale this morning I saw a number lower than I’ve seen in well over 10 years:

126.6.

HOLY CRAP!

Now, let’s be fair: it was before breakfast and without clothes. So that probably translates to more like 127.6, but still. Still. I have never seen a 126 on this scale. It felt really good!

I do plan on weighing in this week even though the kids will be off of school and with me. I definitely want to see something close to this number when I do!!!!!!!!!!

I haven’t done this in a while, but just to keep myself honest (points are all total guesses, will go back and verify later):

3/4 c. oatmeal 2
1 c. milk 1
1/8 c. dried blueberries 1
5 sliced almonds 1.5
1 kashi cookie 2
1 c. brown rice 2
steamed veggies 0.5
2 oz. chicken 2
6 roasted cashews 2
baby carrots 1
3 tbsp hummus 3
4 whole wheat ricotta ravioli 6
3 oz chicken 4
marinara sauce 1
salad with light salad dressing 1

Total Points Consumed: 30 (!???!!!???)
Activity: 20 min elliptical, 2 pts 30 min treadmill, 1.5 pts = 3.5 pts earned
Total Points for the Day: 26.5

Crap. I totally thought today was a GOOD day and here I am eight points OVER my allotment. No wonder I’m not losing!

I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting today in five weeks. FIVE WEEKS. That sucks. In five weeks I could have lost that last five pounds if I’d just done a pound a week. Instead, I was down only 0.8 of a lb in that whole time. I weighed in today at 129.2, which was more than I expected considering what my scale has been telling me for the last week (but not this morning…it was dead on…damn hot and sour soup yesterday). Still, it’s time to tighten up the reins a bit. I’ve been sitting at the same weight since…just after Christmas? Wow.

I guess on the plus side I’ve learned how to maintain the loss. I’ve not really crept past that 130 marker, which is good. I can see what I can eat and what I can’t, and how much activity I need to keep myself here.

Problem is, I don’t really want to stay here, I want to lose that last five pounds. Some would even want to lose more than that…that will still probably only put me at a BMI of 24.1, and likely in a size 8 on a five foot frame. I’ve seen bloggers on this site START at that point.

Still, I’m not going to complain. I’ve lost 34-35 lbs (depending on the day) and I’m keeping it off. The woman who weighed me today said I was “inspiring”. I don’t really see that at all, since I’ve had so many friends try to go on this journey with me only to drop out…but I do feel good about my loss and all the things I’ve learned so far.

My “fativersary”…the day I joined WW…is May 15. It sure would be nice to be down at my personal goal by then.

Long time, no blog. It’s true. I’ve pretty much been in a holding pattern for the last month. I actually haven’t even been to meetings.

I know, it’s blasphemous. As a loyal WWer, someone who completely puts her trust in those weekly meetings for my motivation and losses, it’s no shock that I haven’t really lost any weight in the last month. The first week, I chose not to go. The next week, work interfered. Last week, I got busy working the polls for a local election. And this week, my kid was sick. I feel badly about it, but since I do have my fancy scale, I feel pretty confident that despite everything, I’m holding firm.

My weight, on any given day, seems to fluctuate somewhere between 127.6-130.5. Quite a swing, which just goes to show that stepping on the scale really is a moment in time. It’s the general trend that should be trusted, not that number. That being said, since I weigh in generally at the same time on the same day wearing the same clothes, it’s probably pretty true. Today I weighed 127.8 after breakfast, so I figured that would have been 128 if I went to WW with my lightest clothes on, and so I recorded that.

I have done one thing that is good since I last blogged, though. I joined the Y. I just had been starting to feel like my workouts at home with the treadmill that doesn’t incline and my DVDs were not as effective as they could be. I’m glad I joined. The classes are fun, and the equipment is top notch; I really do feel the time there will be time well spent. And it’s showing up. I was more like 129/131 up until I joined and now I’m 127.5/129, even with Easter and drinking and candy and all that nonsense.

I am determined to get rid of these last five pounds over the course of the spring!

..and not in a good way.

OK, so I was getting ready to go to Weight Watchers this morning.  And I knew I shouldn’t do it, because I knew I wasn’t going to like it, but I did it anyway.  I stepped on my new, ultra accurate scale as the last part of my getting ready sequence (this would be after changing into my lightest weight clothes, I mean).

And wouldn’t you know it?  The scale hasn’t budged since last week.

Actually, not true.  It went down a good bit up until Friday, when I went out to a dinner hosted by my husband’s boss at a fancy restaurant.  The food was not even a question; it was ordered ahead of time and just came out in platters.  And it was good.  I mean expensive restaurant good.  So I indulged.  The stuff I ate probably cost someone $150.  No kidding.  So there is your “once in a blue moon” event and I totally took advantage of it. 

The scale wasn’t really pleased, but right about the time it started heading back where I wanted it to go, I looked at the calendar.  Yep.  You guessed it.  It’s the time of the month where weight appears for no good reason.  And so, the weight that I weighed yesterday…a brand new pound inexplicably showed up today, despite the great workout yesterday, tons of water and healthy eating. 

So, I made a split decision.  I decided to skip my Weight Watchers meeting.  I know, it’s like heresy.  But I figured, I already knew the results.  I had plenty of other things, including working out, that I could suddenly fit into that hour and a half newly found into my day.  I feel kind of bad about it, but I don’t think I’m really worse off for not having gone.  I have gone for nine months now, I know what I’ll hear.  And next week, I’ll go back, without the water weight.  I feel just as motivated to have a good week as if I had gone. 

So for the first time since joining Weight Watchers, I voluntarily didn’t go, totally based on what I thought the scale would say.  I do sorta feel like a loser, and not in a good way.

…to post a 1.6 gain this week. Don’t get me wrong, I know what happens when you don’t exercise that much and you eat cheese and wine and chocolate. I know what happens, so I’m not surprised. There really isn’t a weight loss fairy that makes those choices disappear when I don’t want to see them on the scale.

Plus I have a new scale. And damn it, that scale is right. Which is fun on days when I’ve made great choices but not so much when it’s time to be accountable for the bad ones.

But that is the difference. I am being accountable for it. I am going to pull back myself from the brink of chucking nine months of hard work and just get back to business. I am kind of tired of being so close and yet so far from my goal, but I have no one to blame but myself. I need to exercise. I need to not eat so much. Not even that. I need to make better choices about what I am eating. I know how to do these things, and I know how great it feels when I do. So I will.