Category Archive

I’ve moved. You can find my blog posts here Blog to Lose

I’ll continue to maintain my other pages on this sight:

• About my Journey thus far. . .
• Athletic bod here I come
• Goals
• Progress
• Weigh In’s since 1999

I’ve been blogging a lot lately on the “good” days.  The days I am jazzed and excited and doing well.  To keep it real I am posting today, even though its not one of those days.

Heachache

Tired

Stressed

Little bit of grief

I have been snacking mindlessly today on things I haven’t normally been eating.  Thankfully, I will have over 20 FP left to go (end of my week is Monday).  So I am still doing well program wise.  But, today could be one of those days that derails me if I don’t keep an eye on things.

Its 6pm, husband is napping next to me, i might just rest for a while too.  Shake this headache,  go for a short walk, and then do some laundry and get prepped for a new day tomorrow.

I feel like I have been saying this a lot lately-  But I feel so good! and I am so dang proud of myself. I feel good, good, good. I could list the reasons why, but its basically everything. Things are clickin’ more often then they are not. But I’ve been thinking about attitude lately, and positive thinking- and it really got me thinking (okay, my high school English teacher would hack that sentence to pieces).

Sometimes I ignore my weekly WW pamphlets ( I have joined so many stickin’ times that I feel like I could open a WW library of pamphlets). But now and a again something clicks for me. I really like the booklet (#3) “Think First,” (The Habit profile quiz in the front was really quite insightful, I thought it would be cheezy, but I was impressed actually.) Anyways, several things stood out- one of them I wanted to put into writing: An area of focus for me that his survey highlighted is to “Manage your thoughts,” basically positive thinking = positive outcomes. I read this for the first time and it talks about replacing negative thoughts with positive. And I honestly had to stop and think (for several days actually) what the negative thoughts were. My negativity was so much a part of the culture of my brain that i could no longer easily identify the negative thoughts from the positive. Sad, huh?

Here are some blirbs from the section of the WW booklet:

• “Research shows that people who succeed on weight-loss plans believe they’ll succeed.”

• “Negative thoughts creep into most people’s minds. But for some of us, they kind of take over- and we don’t even realize its happening. Negative thoughts come in the form of all-or-nothing thinking [I’m never eating chocolate again!”], absolute thinking [”i should or “I ought”], and self-fulfilling prophecies [i can’t].”

• Ultimately, “We believe what we tell ourselves.”

So I decided to uncover those negative thoughts and see what it was that I have really been telling myself? So these are some of the negative thoughts that I have realized I have left unchecked:

• “Re-Gaining weight is inevitable. I’ve lost it before and it just comes back. Plus, it takes me months to lose what I can gain in one week. Life is stressful and it is not possible to ALWAYS maintain. “
• “My body is incapable of losing weight. I try and I try and it just is harder for me then other people.”
• “Oh, the weight I am at is good enough. I don’t need to try to lose any more weight. Why bother. I am fine with where I am at.”
• “‘ya know, I AM getting older, I don’t deserve to have the body of a young 20 something. Anyways, even if I did get to my ideal weight, I’d never be able to maintain it, so what’s the point”
• “I don’t have anything to share out loud with the group at my WW meetings. Nothing of value at least. What do they want to hear from me- Remember ME? the one who has failed at WW umpteen times?”
• “I can’t keep being on program week after week after week. It takes too long to lose the weight and I don’t beleive that in the end I can keep it off.”

So, I will say that as I wrote these, I was wanting to erase everyone of them and not actually click “publish.” They sound like a whiny, insecure, negative person. And that is not how I see myself! And when actually written they sound SO much worse then when they were tiny seedlings of a thought in me. But as I wrote, they flowed out of me a lot more freely then I thought they would. If I am really honest, deep down, these are the messages my being tries to hang on to. Sure, they come out of my mouth differently, because I know how to filter them and couch them into somewhat acceptable beliefs on the outside, but inside I really need to let them go, and only in being totally honest will that happen.

So for a future post, I think I need to re-write the script of the negative posts and write my own new positive script. Ya think?

I do- particularly I love tracking my points in the nifty program they have. Love it, love it.  I tend to live on my laptop so it works for me.  BUT-  Here’s the thing-  I worry that it might not be the best thing for me longterm?  Any one have thoughts on this?  I mean it’s not handy when I am on vacation or my computer goes on the fritz.  It doesn’t force me to memorize point values.  I worry its a little bit TOO easy.   I ‘m really open to feedback on this.  My thoughts as I have been reflecting on this is that a) it is a tool and tools usually have a period when they are useful and when they are less than useful so it may not serve me forever and b) when it comes time for me to end my relationship with e-tools, I probably can create a plan to transition by starting to explore other tools that might work instead  for me. .    Hmmm. .
Others?

Sigh of relief. It’s working. Yes, I know, the program works, but I just have had so many times in the last 6 years of being stuck. But I’m going on week 4 and feeling like things are clicking. I even wasn’t “perfect” last week and I still lost. I am extra focused this week so hopefully that un-perfectness from last week doesn’t bite me in the but this next week.

Goal for this week: Not to weigh myself daily. Self, trust that you know what your doing, you will weigh in next Tuesday and that is enough feedback for now. Don’t “cling” to the daily scale reading- trust the plan for the week.

Week 1: -1.4

Week 2: -1.2

Week 3: -1.8

TOTAL -4.4

Next Mini Goal:  Lose 5 pounds;  Only .6 pounds to go

Mini Goal after that:  Lose another 3 pounds (182) to enter healthy BMI range

When I first started blogging, I had trouble tapping into what it was that was driving my weightloss efforts. It wasn’t body image, it wasn’t trying to please someone, and it wasn’t really about being healthier. I finally realized that it came down to wanting to feel like and look like an athlete.

So I set that as one of my goals. And today, I unanimously declare (true I was the only vote- so of course its unanimous), that I have achieved that goal. The funny thing is that I thought that I wouldn’t accheive that goal until I was closer to my goal weight- I’ve barely started losing weight- but I am feeling so strong and getting fitter and fitter everyday that I just feel like an athlete again. And it feels good.

So why today? Today marked two weeks of me consistently biking. AND it marked mile number 100!! I have biked 100 miles in the past 14 days. I am so proud of me. And I am SO loving it.

So today, I reclaim my identify as an athlete. And tomorrow I am giving my sore bum a break.

I am aiming to reach my first Mini Goal

GOAL: Lose 5 pounds

Total lost to date: -2.6
Pounds left to lose: 2.4

Go me!

Yes, this graph probably screams WAY too much time on my hands. But I was curious. I have a graph of my current weightloss journey, but being that I have been a Weight Watcher since 1999, what would my graph look like for the past almost 9 years. (OMG 9 years!) Well, it isn’t pretty. But it also is the truth and I needed to see it.

Several key things stood out for me:

Lie: I have been telling myself that I am a WW Lifetimer that just needed to get back down to my lifetime goal.

Truth: I have not consistently stayed at or under goal since September 2002! Sure I maintained for the first 2 1/2 years (commendable), but I HAVE NOT BEEN AT GOAL for almost 6 years. [Turqoise line is the high end of WW healthy weight range for my heigh, pink link is my goal weight (AND I might add my goal weight was my easy goal, not even my ideal goal)]

Lie: I have been telling myself that, thankfully, I have never bought a ticket on the yo-yo diet train.

Truth: Hello! You are ALL over the graph. Now I know why I have had such a negative attitude and why I have started to believe that re-gaining the weight is inevitable. I have fluctuated from 177-193 for 6 years!!!

Lie: I have been telling myself that I am GOOD at following the plan as a lifestyle

Truth: I’ll refer the jurors to exhibit A. Uh, NO, I don’t think so. Something hasn’t worked.

Lie: I had all these ideas in my head of WHY/WHAT caused me to gain weight at certain times (specific health problems , life transitions, stressful times, etc).

Truth: Yes, some of those things contributed to my weight gain, but I can’t keep having excuses. Life happens- weight gain is not justifiable in all circumstances. Sure there will be a gain here or there, but again, I refer you the the atrocity that is exhibit A.

So what’s a girl to do about this? Reflections on that question coming in a future post…..

I haven’t journaled what I’ve eaten for 4 days.  Tonight I am having a good CORE stir fry and tomorrow is back to tracking (My computer got sent to the repair shop and it got me all out of sorts.)My eating has slid from perfection this past week, but still hung on to good lessens (portions, water, were pretty good).  I think I might at least maintain this week if not lose.  Activity points might save me and I think that even though I didn’t stay on my Core food list, I think my choices were still below my points were I on flex.

I have been great on activity.  The WEATHER IS SO SO SO NICE lately!!!  I have logged  495 minutes in the past two weeks- all outside-, and averaged 60 minutes each time.  I’ve starting biking regularily for the first time in life and I am loving it!  I think my reward for meeting the May excerise challenge should be new bike gear (jersey? helmet?)I am FEELING much more tone in my core and legs. I feel good.  powerful.  We have two short but steep hills into our neighborhood-  so it always comes at the END of the ride.  And I used to fear the hills, but not any longer.  They still kick my but, but I am not afriad any more.

I’ve had lots of weigthloss/maintenance thoughts running through my head-  ponderings-  I am going to collect them and then come back and blog again.  I’ve had some epiphanies that I wanted to make sure to write down for me.

These are my goals, a to-do list actually-

• Measure myself and post measurements
• Exercise 15 times in the month
• Weights class 1x a week (at least)
• Continue to post activity here
• Think of an reward(i LOVE my lucy pants that I got for my January award)

Tired.

Could be derailing.

Going to sleep, and putting it back together tomorrow.

Lots of healthy food in the fridge-  take a few minutes to pack it for lunch.

Biked home from work again today. 14 miles.  Feels good.

Drinking my water.  Going to sleep.

Tomorrow is a new day.

One of those days. I just don’t feel satisfied. I know its not really about the food. I have eaten well (shredded wheat, milk, unsweetened applesauce, berries, chicken and vegetables) so I shouldn’t be hungry. I am tired. I am crabby. I think I am getting AF today, but even that has me worried because it hasn’t even been three weeks since the D&C. Isn’t that a bit early? If it is AF, I will be SO happy to finally have my cycles back and my body healing, but if it isn’t then what… Sigh. Sorry for the grumpiness.  Boy, it sure sounds like the crankiness of AF…. (I hae never been SO happy to get mine then I am right now)

On a happier note. I bought news jeans last week. They are size 16- I’m not happy about that, but the jeans feel and look good on me and that makes me so happy. And they are long enough (I am 5′ 11″ with long inseam). Having clothes that you feel good in is SO important regardless of the scale.

Goal starting on Tuesday this week is to only use 15 of my Flex points and get to the gym twice.

Today was a good day. I made up my mind, that today was going to be a stellar day food wise and it has been. I must admit that as soon as I had hit publish on my last post- ya know, the one in which I brag about my super hero self-control powers?- Yep, well that confidence was a bit over- inflated. I proceeded to eat nearly three bread sticks at the Olive Garden and more liquor then I have had in a long time. Overall, it is okay. I had planned on trying NOT to use all my FP, but as it stands with AP factored in I still have 2 FPs to use.

But today- I cooked a ton of kebobs (Love kebabs) AND have some chicken breasts marinading in the fridge. Enough protein probably to get me through next weekend (depending on how much the hubby eats. He, I have found, is sure enjoying having lots of protein sources readily available in the fridge. I have to pretty much triple what I would usually cook so taht we both have enough for lunches.

And hubby and I biked 16 miles today- That’s a total of about 43 miles this week for me. I feel so good.

The funny thing is, even though I am only barely back on program- I am feeling pretty good- feeling like, well an active person (dare I say an athlete). When I started this blog I did some soul searching as to WHY I wanted to lose weight. I pretty much have come to be comfortable (more or less) in my body. So the “ick I don’t like my body” is no longer a big enough motivator. However, I realized that my motivation is truly wanting to FEEL and look like an athlete. I think of myself as an athlete, but no longer feel like one. So getting biking this week has been perfect for me. Next week I want to bike 2-3 times again and add in my weight lifting class again.

A dear dear friend of my husband’s made us a cheescake and left it on my door.  And I am absolutely in awe of two things-  one, it is the best darn cheesecake I have EVER had.  and two, i ATE A SMALL SLICE AND i AM TOTALLY CONTENT.   Now, folks, this isn’t me.  What in the world.  Just a few weeks ago I would be on my second piece before stopping to think about it and let the “uh oh-  what did I just do?” feeling sink in.  And I still have like 25 FPs left-  which is really good.  I have had to work at not using them (i’m on CORE).  Last week I used all 35 in the first two days.  This week its day three and i’ve only used 10 or so.

And, I biked 14 miles- over an hour- from work to home.  I feel like I could conquer the world.

I wish I could bottle up this centeredness, this being in the grove, this ability to nourish my body rather than letting food control me.  Why do we get off course? How is it that we come to beleive this way of life is deprivation?

I still have some room to eat a bit more tonight-  Then I am done with Day 3 of week 2 of Core.

I am off until Monday and my exercise lately has been riding bike home from work.  I need to find activity to add in on non-work days.  That’s my task this weekend.

I’ve been home from work several hours and what have I been doing?  reading blogs…and all the while letting myslef getting hungrier, and hungrier and hungrier.  I just didn’t have it in me to make dinner tonight.  And I didn’t have a lot of easy fixes to just grab and eat.  But I knew that if I didn’t tear myself away from mindless internet searching, I was going to eat anything in sight pretty soon.  So I made myself scrambled egg whites with a little bit of cheese and half a whole wheat english muffin and the edge is off of my hunger.  Hubby is making turkey burritos for us to have on hand for the next couple of days and I put some sweet potato fries in the oven for a lunch/snack tomorrow.  So, i was able to keep in the groove tonight and not let my hunger get out of control.  Overall i felt hungrier today-  just wanted to grab some junk food-  I didn’t, so that was good, but its definitely a different kind of day when you have to work at it compared to the “woo-hoo this is easy days.”

On another note- I’ve been reflecting a lot about my ultimate “goal.”  Its interesting how much energy and effort, willpower and dreaming one can put into that magic end number.  I remember spending  weeks and sometimes months losing that last five pounds or even tenths of a pound to get to goal.  When in reality, those tenths of pounds come and go so easily.  So is it worth that last push?  Maybe.  But I also feel like I need to add to my focus the idea of maintaining in a weight range.  Cuz-  truly-  life happens.  And I just feel like I am always going to go up and down and my aim should be to minimizing the range of ups and down.  Or is that just an excuse to allow for gaining?  Maybe we need both-  that magic end point and then a window of grace for fluctuations?  And as much as I think that I also struggle with these thoughts: currently I find that I am pretty content with my body as long as I am under 183 or so.  So if I get to my magic high 160s number, and then “fluctuate” up to the mid 170s again, have I failed?  Even if its within the “healthy” weight range?  What is an appropirate range to gain?  And if I get to my magic number, will I never again be content at a higher weight?  Will that magic number always lure be as a finite end goal?

I know these are largely unanswerable.  The understanding neccesary will come in the living it out-  but I do sure wonde.r  Anyways, these are just some thoughts for now becuase my brain keeps coming back to this.  Not sure what to make of it all, but it will come out of me eventually.

So I think its helpful for me to acknowledge the fact that this first 11 pounds or so is mentally a bit tougher to lose.  By aknowledging that I think it will allow me to not give up so easily.  Its hard in that I have already lost, and re-lost and re-lost this weight from 190 to 179.  I just need to admit that I HAVE NOT been maintaing, as I like to tell myself.  I have been yo-yoing, on a small scale, but still its a yo yo.

179 feels good to me.  I am happy there.  And once I get there, losing the weight to get to 169 will be a new challenge, it won’t be losing what I should have kept off in the first place.  Now, this first phase just feels like I am washing the kitchen dishes after I JUST ran them through the wash machine.  It feels like such a poor use of time to have to lose this same weight again.  I wrote in my last post that I now have said good bye to the 190s for good.  And I am really looking forward to waving goodbye to the 180s for good as well.  One and a half pounds lost, 9 and a half pounds more to lose until I leave the 180s.

In a future post, I think I need to really do some soul searching as to why I am re-losing this weight again.  I was thinking it would be helpful to have a visual-  a graph of my weight over the years, with significant life events to try to understand what were the triggers to get me of course.

Yep, yep, yep-  I’m on my way.

Conversation with myself:  “Good week, self.  Now, do it again.  One day at a time, one week at a time.  This is how it is going to be.  Planning, persistence, choices, give and take. This is it-  in it for the long run.  I don’t want to see you back at this number again-  never again in the 190s-  this is the third time (9/1999, 9/2007, 4/2008).  No more excuses.  Life is going to get busy-  it is just that way.  Crisis and grief happen-  it is just that way.  It is not an excuse for being back in the 190s again.  Adios 190s.  I am more than happy to never see you again.  Remember, self, you like this new me.  You do.  You are in control, healthy, and meeting your needs-  your real needs, not perceived needs.  You can do it.  See you again next Tuesday at WI”

Today at my WW meeting there was a mother and daughter.  They both joined ww the same day.  Both made goal on the same day and today they had both achieved lifetime.  Daughter had lost 48 and mom had lost 45.  I was and am inspired.  They looked SO good.  They were just beaming. . as they should.  Amazing.   I walked away tonight thinking, “ya know, I know my “safe” goal is in the 170s, but I really really want AND deserve to be in the 160s.  I am capable.  I just need to keep refocusing.  Week by week.”

Day 1-  Take 2!  Let’s do it all over again.

I knew that I would now……

Got a little song in my step and I feel good.

MAn! This healthy lifestyle would be SO easy if it was always this easy. I feel SO good. I am loving the foods I am eating, I am satisfied, content, feeling like me again- even better. It has been exhilarating.

I can’t even begin to say enough about this process of cutting way back on sugar/carbs. It has been hard but SO worth it. I feel so good being off the sugar roller coaster- I have really been trying to focus on how good I feel so that when I have the urge to down some sugar for the “high” feeling I get that I recall that this ultimately feels better.

Biked 14 miles home from work today with hubby. Aaaahhh. . i just love it.

Eating really well- core foods are SO filling. I just love it. I have gone way over my 35 points of non-core but I really think it has been okay. My non core foods have been decent choices and if i count my overall daily points I am doing quite well. Tomorrow is WI. Week 2 I feel confident I can stay under 35 points.

So I feel a bit off the wall going from “woo hoo, life is amazing, ya hoo” to the heavy stuff. The cards we are being dealt right now are so tough though. Last week was my week to come to the “I really can’t handle this all anymore” Tonight is my husbands turn to throw in the towel. I am beyond grateful we have each other, I just can’t believe what a good thing we have.  But it feels like our world might crash in on us.   I don’t necessarily believe in a devil per say but if I did this is the point I would say I feel like we are being attacked. The darkside of life, and injustice, and family issues is hitting us hard- and it just doesn’t stop. Every-time we turn around we are feeling beaten up. I think it has finally brought us to our knees…..

Inspired by Zazu who was inspired by Swizzlepop-

I need a pick me up, cuz I know I do really love my life-
Here is the list of my things in my life that are awesome

1.  My husband.  hands down the list could stop here.  I never knew it was possible to know this kind of love.

2.  We both are ready, really ready, to be parents.  I spent way too much time in the past worrying that we wouldn’t come to be “ready” at the same time.  We are ready and (on most days) hopeful.

3.  Travels-  been to most of the U.S. states and almost a dozen countries.  Can’t wait to see more!  Love sharing this with my husband.

4. Grateful to have my mom and dad in my life and other close family members.

5. I LIKE exersize (sure I find excuses, but I really LIKE it)

6.  I love our condo and its location-  walking distance to everything,  truly feels home, love that it is small and simple and that we choose not to keep up with the jones’

7. Grateful that I had the chance to go to college (undergrad and Masters)

8. My husband and I have been through a lot in our short marriage.  People tell us they are inspired by who we are and our faith during the valleys.  Some days this is hard to believe that they really see this in us.  I sure don’t feel it-  but I value the fact that we can share our story-  even the dark periods.

9.  My close friends-  I don’t know what I would do without you.

10.  Health.  Even with the small bumps in the road, my body is well.  This amazes me.

I’m SO glad that I kicked my sugar roller coaster.  I am feeling SO good.  I have been able to be on CORE for pretty much two days now.  The first two days back on program I used over 35 of my extra points.  oops.  but now I am in the grove (planning ahead is a great concept-  duh!).   So even though I have used to many of my non-core points-  overall, i have eaten the RIGHT amount of points (if I were counting points).  So HOPEFULLY.

i would love to lose weight at my WI on tuesday but i am going to really try to take things in stride this time and as long as I am eating well not worry about tenths of a pound.  We’ll see

Tonight I finally had a reprieve from the headaches.  Today I feel like my blood sugars stabilized a bit.  I ate on CORE almost all day (which is probably why the former things worked in my favor).  And we unexpectantly went out for Indian food tonight.  I chose a green mixed salad and only had a bit of rice and a tiny bit of Naan.  And, I stopped at one point and realized I was full.  My stomach was content, satisfied.  It brought a smile to my face sitting at the restaurant.  In that moment I wasn’t eating to tame my sugar beast.  I ate to nourish and stopped when I needed to.

Here’s to tomorrow. . here I come again

I told a friend today that I had rejoined WW to lose the weight I gained while pregnant and lose the weight I had been trying to lose before I found out I was pregnant.   This conversation came right after me talking about how I was struggling emotionally in juggling all the balls of life right now.  She asked if I really wanted to be adding WW to my plate right now.  And I guess it made me realize that caring for my body is really the best thing for me to be focusing on.  I am glad that physically I am feeling up to getting back on track.  I’m grateful to be back.

Core and Sugar

Today is day 4 back on track. I am doing CORE. I love it for so many reasons. It is really what I need right now. I originally was scared that I wouldn’t be able to control my calories on CORE, that I wouldn’t stop eating when I am full. AND I worried i couldn’t lose weight on Core. Well, i still don’t know if CORE will be as effective at losing weight, but I have decided I don’t care. I have learned so much in switching to Core (i had started core earlier and done it for several weeks pre-pregnancy). I am learning that I AM in control when it comes to the Core foods, I almost never over eat and get stuffed on those foods. The biggest thing I have learned, is that (at least for now) I do not know what feeling hungry really feels like. What I mean is that I don’t know the hunger in the stomach type hunger. The “hunger” I have been responding to (for a really long time) is low blood sugar discomfort. AND I think this has been exacerbated by possibly a sugar addiction (rush/crash/rush/crash, etc). These first 4 days of having very little sugar or processed foods I have physically felt awful- my body is going through withdrawal I think. The headaches have been severe. But I did a lot of online reading and I trust it will get better. I really look forward to getting my this aspect under control so I can start learning to respond to stomach hunger and not only being controlled by my need for SUGAR.

Today I have pre-planned a lot of Core foods for easy eating so hopefully i can ONLY eat core today. I ate 39.5 out of my 35 extra points already and its only been three days. So, i’ll have to work on that. I think i should start blogging what I spend my 35 points on so i can track those choices. This week some of them were bagels, feta cheese, deli meat, craisens, cream cheese, two cookies, chocolate cake. Not terrible choices , but could be better. At least they have been in moderation.
Choosing the magic number

Roni’s question of the day was how did you pick that magic number, the ultimate goal weight.  I wrote in my blog that my goal is 170-175.  That is actually my “less risk” goal.  To be honest, I have always had this “number’ in my head that I wanted to get to. i really would like to be back in the 160s. The lowest I have been at since I started WW was 172-174. My lifetime goal was 177 and I was able to maintain that for quite a while (I would bounce between 174-179). But I never believed I could actually get down to the 160s so I settled for 177. And I did feel healthy at 177 and pretty happy with how I looked. BUT. . i still want the 160s. For a long time I wondered if that number was just random and if I really needed to get down to the weight to love how I looked. So I started paying close attention the the WW success stories online. And I would look up their height and final weight and compare it to the WW guidelines chart for healthy weight.  AND EVERY after picture that really inspired me that was a body figure I would like to look like (every single one) was right around the maximum weight for 25 year olds and under (give or take a few pounds or so). I was amazed at how consistent it was. So, I looked at the high end range for 25 year olds for my height (even though I am beyond 25!) and the number. ? …? is 165. So, it validated that my magic number may very well be a healthy weight and a realistic goal. I don’t yet believe that I can maintain 165 let alone even get down to that weight. But I am working on mentally talking myself through that. Because I really want to keep that as my end goal- I want to beleive that some day somehow I will get there!! Coming to grips with the fact that sugar currently has power over me has actually given me some hope that I can a) get my sugar roller coaster under control and b) solve some of my ups and downs and plateaus that kept me from getting to the 160s before.

I have a post I have been working on with lots of reflections post-miscarriage related to pregnancy, body image, weight loss and maintencance, and lifestyle and choices.  However, its long, and muddy, and I just haven’t been able to finish it.  So in the name of at least starting to post regularily once again I am opting for the unorganized, but better than nothing post.

•  Today is day one back at WW.  Tried out a new time and leader and I was pleased. (wasn’t liking my old leader, so this is positive)

•  Going to re- update all my goals. I had gotten up to 195 during and right after pregnancy, but as my hormones are leveling out I think I am losing water probably. cuz thankfully I was only 190.6 at WI.  196 is my highest weight ever.  185 was what I weighed in at my last meeting before I stopped going due to pregnancy.  see goals page for me goals.

• I wore a sweater, long sleeve shirt, and jeans at weigh in today.  That’s a first for me.  I am really really going to try hard to not play the games I usually do-  peeing just before WI, only weighing the same lightweight clothes, etc.-  as hard as it is, if this is a lifestyle I really want to try to not let the scale have THAT much power.

• I have trouble getting back in the grove of exercise if things in life get out of sync.  I am either really consistent or not.  I need to work at allowing for life’s hiccups (i.e. surgery, illness, busyness) without losing ALL activity in my life.  Remember, self, I really do LIKE exersize.

• Staying on program is REALLY REALLY hard while pregnant (at least my two months of experiencing it).   I need to do some reflecting on this.

• I am starting out doing CORE.  Three reasons for this 1) less sugars and processed foods 2) to keep my honest (i have done points for so long i need something that makes me work a bit at it) and 3) I am finding that I don’t know if I have ANY idea whatsoever how to only eat when I am hungry and only eat until I am content.  I honestly think my bloodsugars (and any other physcial ailments) drive when I eat.

That’s all for now.   I am really really tired these days, but glad to be back and hoping I can be gracious and patient with myself as I ease back in to things.

i’m still here.  But so overwhelmed with sorting things out in my head.  Found out a week ago that this pregnancy is probably not viable. So what next?  we wait.  wait until my next ultrasound april 4th or until i miscarry naturally.   in the meantime all my pregnancy symptoms have faded-  which isn’t a good sign in terms of the pregnancy, but for my sanity it is a blessing.  To be feeling physcially awful every day AND know the pregnancy isn’t viable would have been even worse.

Being patient is hard.

I’m glad I posted today-  even if I didn’t say much.  As soon as I know what’s happening, i am looking forward to being back more regularily.

Haven’t blogged for 8 days.  It is amazing how peeing on a little plastic stick can change your life.

Yes, we were trying, BUT I have spent my whole life believing I might not be able to get. . . umm. …pregnant (oh, my, still hard to type the word). My grandmother, mother, and aunt- basically 3 out of 4 of all my female relatives-  had known the grief of infertility.  And so I knew from a very young age that getting pregnant isn’t something you take for granted.

I am floating.  Floating.  Floating.  Pinch me, someone, is this for real?

My mind is in a million places related to my weight/lifestyle journey (here are my thoughts, unedited, and in not particular order):

I am REALLY glad that  I readopted healthy habits leading up to this.  I am going to try to keep hold of these. It is a lifestyle for me.
It is amazing, even though I only have a few cells growing inside of me at this point, I am SO aware of everything I put in my mouth.  I realize I am nurturing a fragile life.  Why don’t I adopt that attitude for my own body?  Amazing how much we overlook taking care of our own body, but when its a lil’ one’s life. . .

I really really want to embrace my body changes and not fight it.   I don’t want to hate the scale or my expanding waist line.  I can relate to all the weight watchers who say it is SO hard to watch the scale climb after a lifetime of fighting that.

I really want to manage my weight gain.  Supposedly, the gain in the first trimester only needs to be 1-3 pounds.  The funny thing is that I think I am going to have to WORK AT ONLY gaining a couple of pounds in the next 12 weeks.  So, I think my habits and skills I have taken on will help.

When the little stick gave us the good news, I instantly adopted the “I can eat anything I want attitude”  but thankfully only for the first few days.  Starting Sunday I actually have been counting points.  I read somewhere that the increase in calories only needs to be like 300 calories a day-  6 points-  that’s not very much of an increase really.

I was really wanting to buy a digital scale for at home (mine is old and hard to read).  NOW I really want to buy one to carefully track my weight particularly in the next 12 weeks.  So basically I am buying a scale to watch me gain weight.  Ironic.

[This is one of my uncensored thoughts]  Please please don’t get me wrong, I am so over the moon about being pregnant.  But part of me does wonder if maybe I should have worked harder to get these last 10-15 pounds off first.  But trust me, I will be on a mission to loose all gained weight AND that 10-15 pounds soon enough.  [okay, I just re-read what I wrote and it sent a wave of “overwhelmedness”.  10-15 seemed hard to do-  I don’t even want to do the math of what is in store for me.  like I said, this is uncensored]

It is still early.  I keep telling my husband-  “I hope it sticks.”  He reminds me it isn’t snow.  :)  But OH, OH, I hope these little cells that are multiplying inside of me “stick.”  I am so in love already…

Now the question for me is -  what to do with this blog.  I feel like a fraud bloggin here if I am NOT trying to lose, but on the other hand, this blog has been my centering place.  And I really do want to be held accountable to healthy eating and healthy amount of gain….

I have always blogged for me, and only me, AND at hte same time SO loved doing this as a part of a community.  I think I will still blog so that it is a habit that I don’t lose. . .

So if I dissapear-  feel free to bug me.

Went to my Body Scupt class at the gym.  I really like that class.  I just need to figure out my schedule so I can go to it every monday night.  I have worked out 4 out of the last 5 days and I am feeling back in the groove.  AND I love my new LUCY pants (my reward to me for the January Exercise challenge).  Thank you Swizzlepop for the coupon.  My workouts feel SO much better in cute pants!

I am taking my vitamins and supplements regularily.  And I can tell the difference

Tomorrow is weigh in

My points so far this week:

I have used more of my weekly points then I would have liked. Need to watch this-

Sunday                                      CORE 16/35                            Flex 32.5

Monday                                       CORE 12/35                          Flex 31.5

REMAINING: CORE 7                 FLEX 19

LOL.

Core week 1:

I fell off the CORE wagon hard. My last post was Wednesday and I had used 34.5/35 of my flex points on the first three days of CORE. So come Thursday and Friday I said screw it and it wasn’t pretty as far as Core goes. BUT I am still doing stellar as far as my points eaten per day (even though I am on Core I haven’t given up counting points).

TOTAL

• CORE 89/35
• Flex 23.5/35*

*not including AP

Lessons learned from CORE

• I didn’t think CORE would be that different. I have put off trying CORE for YEARS. but just following CORE for a week has already given me an entirely different view of food and my eating. I can’t explain it fully yet, but I have a whole different set of lenses on.

• Had I just cut out bread and eliminated mistakes (eating foods I mistakenly thought were core, but weren’t) that Core number would have looked a lot better.

• Also interesting is that 23.5/35 Flex points used is excellent considering what I normally do. I so often go over 35.

• So even if I were to go back to Flex program I really need to focus on Core foods. (I know that is a “Duh” comment but sometimes reality becomes all the more clearer when put in practice).

Mini-successes

• I am back to working out after a 14 day hiatus

• I didn’t feel hungry this week (CORE foods are really more filling)

• I have hope that this change might be what I needed to get off my 13 week up-and-down-with-no-progress plateau.

• Even though I have made no scale progress, I will say that it is no small feat that I pretty much have weighed in in the 184.2-185.6 range during that my 13 week plateau. So, let’s just say I am perfecting maintenance before perfecting weight loss.

Mini-Goals

• only use 35 points on CORE this week by not eating bread or making mistakes
• work out 4 times this week
• water, water, water
• I rearranged my schedule to make Tuesday night my meeting weigh in time. Hopefully I like the leader a bit better. I am going to try it for 4 weeks and then reevaluate.

My record

Sunday 2/10

Monday 2/11

Tuesday 2/12

Wednesday 2/13

Thursday 2/14

Friday 2/15

Saturday 2/16

…ate 13.5 flex points.  (oops)-  total flex points (9+12+13.5) used is 34.5.  .5 left to eat.  yikes, I need to back off the flex points.  Its that darn sugar craving.  Well, AND i thought low-fat plain yogurt and low fat soy milk was core, but I guess only fat-free is. so that ate up a bunch of points unexpectantly.

Still liking my new CORE experience.  I am willing to give it 14 days.  Then I’ll see what I want to do next.

(If I was only counting points I am at 21, 25.5, 28.5)

Today has been another insightful day. I SO used to think that I ate a lot of core foods, but now I know I didn’t. I just had dinner and am perfectly content. It has been amazing these first two days how filling CORE foods are. i have only eaten 15 points for the day (I am tracking points out of curiosity). I am not sure how to eat another 9points of core food still today. I KNOW I am not supposed to be counting points but I am worried about not eating enough and then not losing becuase I didn’t eat enough. But I guess if I am full maybe I will be okay??

I crave sugar though. and Bread. That is the hardest part. I find myself wanting to add sugar to anything and everything. I know its healthy to wean my body from the addiction, but its hard.

Yesterday- ate 9 flex points; today at 4.5 so far; Remaining FP for W, TH, F, S= 21.5

Imagine that. I started WW in 1999 on Flex. And yesterday for the first time started Core. I have been dragging my feet to try CORE. I never trusted it. But something I am doing now is just not working, so I finally decided i didn’t have anything to lose by trying CORE.

It was an interesting first day. I realized that it wasn’t CORE i didn’t trust all this time, I don’t trust whether or not I know when I am full. I spent the whole day asking myself “am I hungry?” “what does hungry really feel like?” My biggest problem (and yesterday shed light on this) is that I eat when I don’t feel good. If I have a headache, or sore throat, or achy body, etc. I have always been very sensitive to low blood sugars. If I don’t eat, I get really sick feeling. I HATE when this happens. But somehow this has turned in to- if I am physically not feeling good in anyway, fix it with eating. So I am going to have to re-learn what hungry really is and figure out what to do to not medicate with food other times.

other reflections:

I was worried about mini=binge eating on Core, but the reality is that I don’t overeat any of the core foods (i overeat bread, candy, fatty foods, etc).

I think I felt more satisfied yesterday as well becuase mentally I knew that I could eat until satifsied- I wasn’t worried about being hungry if I ran out of points.

I got to 7pm and was full for the day. it was a nice feeling. AND i had only eaten 18 points (I am counting points of my core foods just out of curiosity). Core foods are filling.

I have been eating far more non-core foods then I thought I was

9 flex points used (I really don’t want to use many of these this week)

water, oil, veggies, and some dairy- good healthy day

I’m back. Don’t know where I have been. I have been (and am) SO tired. incapacitated type tired. not sure what that is all about. so, today I am back after a week off. No activity at all. Gonna change that. Eating was lame, but not terrible. points were probably within maintenance mode. But, note to self, I want to LOSE weigh-

Reasons I want to (and will) lose weight:

I want to look and feel like an athlete

I want to be further into the ‘normal’ range of clothing sizes (10-12, rather than 14-16)

I want to be slimmer when I get pregnant

I want to LOVE looking at pictures of me

So, what am I going to do about it-

1. take baby steps to getting more activity points in my life (note to self: January you did awesome and you loved it)

2. start taking vitamins and supplements

3. turn the laptop off earlier in the night to get better rest

4. water and veggies

5. Maybe start Core (OOOHH< this is SO hard. what I am doing is NOT NOT NOT working. So core is my only other option. But I am SO resistant to change. But at this point what do I have to lose.

All of the above are very positive proactive energy in my blog, but I need to vent.

It doesn’t feel possible. i didn’t go to meetings for the past too weeks because I am SO tired of going with no progress. I am on my 18th week of being on the program (again, rejoin). and I am SO discouraged. I don’t/won’t talk to my weigh in lady at WW because I don’t believe she has anything to say to help me. I don’t know if losing weight is even possible.  I am so tired. I am so tired of being tired. I am into my mode of border line feeling and believing like I failed at this. (i so need to delete this blog and not post it i’m am being so negative, but then again this blog is for me, and i can’t just blog when I feel positive.)

Need to find my hope again….

For Friday:

Daily Points Used (26): 37.5
Cumulative Weekly Points used (182-217): 193.5
Flex Points Used (35): 37.5 (not including AP)
Activity Points Earned: 0
Total AP for week: 11
Type of Activity/minutes: Nada
Journaled every bite? y
# of Fruits & Veggies eaten: 4
Healthy oil consumed? 1, y
1-2 Servings of protein (or more): 1, not so good
Limit added sugar/alcohol: no
Limit processed foods: no
# of nalgenes (32oz): 2.5
Vitamin: Y
One thing I would like to change about my day? Too much sugar/junk, not enough water,
Something that am I struggling with and do I have a strategy for tackling it? Struggling with the thought of sticking to the program all of February and meeting my Feb. exercise challenge and the potential of not seeing the scale go down. don’t have a strategy today other than making sure I go to the gym.
Any non-scale victories? packed carrots, celery, apple and peanut butter to go to a long meeting
Any new food finds? -
Mantra: I am worth it. It IS possible. It isn’t all about the scale.

…an easy day yesterday.  So nice to have these once in a while.

So, if you follow my blog at all, you know that I have been SO discouraged by the lack of consistent progress on the scale. I’ve been more hopeful lately, but to continue to encourage me to consider non-scale progress, here are some of my thoughts re: NSV:

I just achieved my January exercise goal!! 16 workouts. In some ways that doesn’t seem like very many and in other ways- its every other day!! I realize that I THOUGHT I was working out much more than I really was. It was great to track it. 844 minutes; 46 AP, and great variety (although I want to increase my weight lifting and start jogging rather than walking.)

And even though the scale isn’t my friend, I am wearing a pair of dress pants that I haven’t worn in a very long time. I have a box in my closet that I store clothes in-  you the the box that stores the clothes that don’t quite fit at the moment?  I had put these pants in there thinking I’d need to be back at lifetime (8 more pounds) before they would fit. And this mornign they fit.  And I am almost certain they did not fit a month ago.  So, I am becoming more tone. My grey dress pants are proof.

it’s not all about the scale is it. . . (that my mantra for today)

For Thursday:

Daily Points Used (26): 33.5
Cumulative Weekly Points used (182-217): 156
Flex Points Used (35): 26 (not including AP)
Activity Points Earned: 2
Total AP for week: 11
Type of Activity/minutes: Walking to/from bus 30 minutes
Journaled every bite? y
# of Fruits & Veggies eaten: 5 or so, mostly veggies
Healthy oil consumed? y
1-2 Servings of protein (or more): 1.5
Limit added sugar/alcohol: so so
Limit processed foods: so so
# of nalgenes (32oz): 3
Vitamin: Y
One thing I would like to change about my day? I ate almost all my sack lunch at work by 11am
Something that am I struggling with and do I have a strategy for tackling it? Still struggling with not seeing the scale go down.  Stay the course I have to remind myself.  Day by Day.  Remember, your gray pants now fit!  I also have a really really REALLY tight hamstring/glut muscle-  I am going to stretch well through the day to hopefully not loose any work out days.
Any non-scale victories? I made chocolate chip cookies last night.  And didn’t pig out on them.  (hubby likes them more than I, so that it helpful)  Today, I am not going to eat any more than two!
Any new food finds? taco salad with ground Boca and refried beans; hadn’t made that in a while
Mantra: I am worth it. It IS possible.  It isn’t all about the scale.

I have been finding Kristy’s daily blog format very useful in thinking about daily victories and challenges and just for being accountable on a daily basis. And she reached her weight loss mini-goal this month!!! I thought I’d try something like it now and through the month of Feb. Here is my modified version

Daily Points Used (26): 27.5
Cumulative Weekly Points used (182-217): 122.5
Flex Points Used (35): 18.5 (not including AP)
Activity Points Earned: 4
Total AP for week: 9
Type of Activity/minutes: Walking fast 75 minutes
Journaled every bite? y
# of Fruits & Veggies eaten: 5 or so, mostly veggies
Healthy oil consumed? N
1-2 Servings of protein (or more): 1.5
Limit added sugar/alcohol: so so
Limit processed foods: pretty much
# of nalgenes (32oz): 3
Vitamin: Y
One thing I would like to change about my day? good day,
Something that am I struggling with and do I have a strategy for tackling it? Struggling with the reality that last week my weight was up (period and bad choices) and i didn’t weigh in. So this week, the scale most likely will register a gain from two weeks ago. Difficult to work so hard in a week and know progress won’t likely show up for while. Strategy? I keep remembering the week that I was SO frustrated with a gain and then easily lost 1.8 the next week. Stay the course
Any non-scale victories? feeling so centered today, eating 5 v/f; going walking when I didn’t really want to
Any new food finds? yellow peppers in my salad
Mantra: I am worth it. It IS possible.

Wednesday 27.5 (minus 4 AP)

Tuesday 30 ( minus 3 AP)
Monday 37 (minus 2 AP)
Sunday 28.0 (minus 0 AP)

One more workout needed to meet JEC goal.  I am so so pleased!!!!!

Total flex points used: old program calculation= 26.5/35 new program calculation = 18.5/35 (AP not factored in to either of these; Total AP= 9)

Fabulous water and vegetable day.

I swear, an alien invaded my body last week.  Today was SO easy to be OP.  Last week I was out of control.  Part of it is that  A) my period is done B) I am back at work which I do well days I am working (stay busy, no mindless eating, and going to the water cooler is an excuse to leave my office).  But it is night and day compared to last week (I think I ate 5 bizillion points last week).  I have only eaten 16 points so far today.  Drank 3 nalgenes.  Ate 5-6 vegetables/fruits.  I am crusin’ today.  It has been SO easy.  Anyways, I thought I would post becuase my husband is having the guys over to cook tonight and my favorite thing to do when its guy cook fest night is to hide out in the bedroom with my laptop and girl movies, but as much as I want to stay hidden in my cave having me time, I need to get a work out in.  So I am bloggin to hold myself accountalbe.  I AM GOING FOR A 60 minute jog/WALK>! And then I just have to make sure I don’t eat TOO much afterwards (the amount they consume on cook-fest night is insane!).

Thanks for the feedback about the points range on WW.  So I have been using 24 as my daily points, but if you calculate based on the NEW (I don’t know when it changed) I should be eating 25-26 a day (I used Roni’s Diet Calculation tool and it calculated the same thing 25-26).  Interesting.  I am still utterly confused how many points to eat a day/week.  I haven’t felt like I have had much scale success in a long time, so it is SO hard to equate points eaten with pounds lost.  But I really hope to find the range I should eat within.  It is such a guessing game sometimes.

Two things I might try:

I think I might need to try CORE.  I have been on flex since 1999.  Change is so hard.  But whatever I am doing now is not working.

I heard a reccomendation that I should eat on the high side of my points (26).  If I don’t loose weight, then next week drop one point a day (25).  And so on each week until scale success.  Not sure if it would work, but its worth thinking about trying.

Tuesday 30 ( minus 3 AP)
Monday 37 (minus 2 AP)
Sunday 28.0 (minus 0 AP)

Two more workouts needed to meet JEC goal

Total flex points used: old program calculation= 23/35 new program calculation = 17/35 (AP not factored in to either of these)

lacking on water and vegetables- need to get it in gear.

I can’t believe it.  I don’t know why I am so surprised, but I am actually within range of meeting my January Exercise goal.  To be honest, I had mentally brushed it off because by January 15th I had only gotten in 4 work outs (serious!)  but I now have completed 13 total and my goal was 16 in the month.  I only had two days that I fudged a bit-  one day I logged two work outs-  but I did a 55 minutes intense weight lifting class AND later a 50 minute fast walk. I didn’t really clarify if I was aiming for 16 days or 16 workouts.  The other iffy day was today-  I walked to the grocery store and back (2.5 miles)-  it was activity, but it was on the wimpy side.  But I am still proud.  I SO don’t want to sabotage myself in these last three days.  I get really bad headaches from tight shoulder and neck muscles (stress) -  I mean REALLY bad headaches.  And I have been having them lately. I really hope I can keep them in check so I don’t miss a work out.   (it’s a catch 22-  going to the gym decreases my stress and thus the headaches but the headaches get so bad it keeps me from going to the gym and instead flat on the couch).

enough ramblings for today-

Sunday 28 points (but terrible in terms of veggies, healthy oils, activity, water, dairy, etc.)  But i only ate 28 points compared to 43.5 last week.  And today I am right on track.  I am going to walk to the store to stock up on veggies cuz we are running out in the house.

I don’t have much insightful to write other than I think that my “feasting” last week was all PMS related. AF has come and gone and tt feels like the tidal wave has lifted and I am not needing to eat non-stop anymore.   Yesterday I just felt gross-  AF, a week of way too much eating, didn’t feel physically like exercising, bloated, ugg.  Today is better.

Curious how do people determine how many points to eat for WW?  I came across a little points determiner survey in my WW booklet that I hadn’t ever paid any attention to before.  It calculates me at (2= female + 3= age 27-37 + 18 =first two digits of my weight + 2 = over 5′10″ + 1 (for daily activity level desk job/walking)=== 26/ day.  I was only aiming for 24.  Interesting. i need to watch that.

Saturday 48 (minus 3 AP)= 45

Friday 28.5 (2 AP)= 26.5
Thursday 38.5 (0 AP)- 38.5
Wednesday 22.5 (0 AP)= 22.5
Tuesday39 (3 AP)= 36
Monday 57 (5 AP)= 52
Sunday 46.5 (3 AP)= 43.5

ate too much this week. (well, that’s obvious). I don’t know why- I really did well in other areas (water, AP, vegetables daily, healthy oils). its that time of the month- I know that is part of it. but next week is a new week. tomorrow is a new day. I feel like crap tonight from eating crab. Sure isn’t worth it- the crap I ate wasn’t THAT good.

good night- closing the chapter on the week of 280 points consumed (averages out to 40 a day). OMG! waht in the world did I do?

going to sleep-

Friday 28.5 (2 AP)= 26.5
Thursday 38.5 (0 AP)- 38.5
Wednesday 22.5 (0 AP)= 22.5
Tuesday39 (3 AP)= 36 (after the gym I ate only a 8.5 point snack, but still. . . !!!)
Monday 57 (5 AP)= 52 (after the gym I ate a 23 point snack!)
Sunday 46.5 (3 AP)= 43.5 (after the gym I ate 27.5 point snack!)

I was looking at my weekly weigh in’s since I rejoined WW on 10/4/07.

I steadily (slowly, but steadily) lost WEIGHT during weeks one (1) thru five (5).

By Week 5 I was 184.6 at my weigh in for a total loss of 7.6 pounds.

I averaged 1.5 pounds lost a week the first 5 weeks.

Then things got ugly. My net loss during the next 10 weeks from week 5 to week 15 (which was last week) was only .2 pounds.

I now weigh 184.4.

_______________________________

I could dwell on the fact that I wasted 10 weeks of ups and downs and only made .2 pounds of progress.

OR

• I could celebrate that I am still moving in the right direction.
• I haven’t stopped going to WW.
• I have consistently blogged for 6 1/2 weeks now (and I love it) and am learning more about myself through writing.
• I managed to maintain my weight through some major life transitions and personal setbacks in the past 6 weeks.
• Furthermore, I am not just maintaining my weight by happenstance. I am eating veggies, intentionally nourishing my body (and spirit) and I have been in the gym 10 times more this month (so far) than last (ten times in Jan. compared to only three times in all of December)
• I am consistently drinking lots of water again.
• I am focusing on swapping out bad habits for positive healthy lifestyle changes.

I have my eyes focused on Week 20 which is 5 more weigh ins away. Theoretically, if I focus during these next 5 weeks like I did my first 5 weeks I COULD average 1.5 pounds a week which would bring me to 177. I would also accomplish the following mini goals: Healthy BMI (at 182), Reach halfway point (178.7), and I would be at my previous Lifetime weight (177).

I am not going to be dissapointed if I don’t reach these goals by week 20, but I am going to believe in myself that

a) IT IS POSSIBLE AND

b) I AM WORTH IT.

I feel good today. I made good choices. I am blogging my points now even though it is only 620pm because I am committing to being done eating for the day.

It’s amazing how the article that Roni’s posted yesterday spoke to me. And realizing the truth behind something I think is half the battle. In my stress or depression or not feeling like I have control in a situation sometimes I get fixated on sugar. Today I resisted the urge to go to the store in the next office building to buy sugar. I decided I would think about what healthy, filling meal I would eat a full plate of when I got home from work. And it worked- as simple as it sounds- it worked. All day I focused on a big plate of teriyaki vegetable chicken stir fry I would make when I got home, and it was even prettier on my plate than I imagined. And now I am full, and sipping tea, and blogging- its a good day. (Tea, by the way, is the other habit I am trying to implement in place of mindless eating. Good for me, no calories, comforting, and occupies my hands- i think it is a reasonable healthy substitution for mindless eating). I also popped 1 pt of air popped popcorn and have it sitting in the kitchen for a snack for later.

Today I feel strong. Oh, and I am not working out today (giving my muscles a much needed break from 4 straight days of work outs). And strangely, or not so strangely I guess when I think about it, it feels empowering to INTENTIONALLY choose NOT to go to the gym. Compared to when I choose not to go to the gym out of laziness or apathy. I am choosing to rest to be good to my body. It’s a good feeling.

Today: at least 4-5 nalgenes of water ( I lost count after 4- but that’s 128-160 oz) , ate 4-5 servings of fresh veggies, only mindless eating was four fig newtons I ate- could have lived without those, and got my healthy oil in my stir fry.

So, I don’t think it’s possible to stay under my points for the week given my S, M, T debacle, but if I stay down close to 20 points a day for the rest of the week I will finish strong enough. AND I will have more activity points this week then I have ever had in a week. So, even if I gain, I think I am setting myself up for a strong week next week. I am really looking forward to (hopefully) my consistent exercise boosting my metabolism and maybe shedding the fat a little quicker. I am trying to be patient, I am ready for the scale to start consistently going down again. Enough of these ups and downs already.

Wednesday 22.5 (0 AP)= 22.5
Tuesday39 (3 AP)= 36 (after the gym I ate only a 8.5 point snack, but still. . . !!!)
Monday 57 (5 AP)= 52 (after the gym I ate a 23 point snack!)
Sunday 46.5 (3 AP)= 43.5 (after the gym I ate 27.5 point snack!)

…how pleased I was with my improvements today over the last two days. But I thought I should finish counting my points for the day first. so I loaded my points/food all into my online WW tracker and . . OMG! See below for points values. DREADFUL!!! I swear, I am a bottomless pit. And I wonder how the weight crept up over the years- duh- it was eating like this, only worse and it went unchecked. So the problem is that this week I AM SO hungry. and today was mainly conscious eating. Sigh. . . oh well, it can only get better.

Positives today:

lots of fruits and veggies (cabbage, peppers, apple, carrots)

4 days of exercise in a row. Go me. (my muscles are SO sore)

a bizillion nalgene’s today. a minimum of 5 (so at lest 160 oz of water)

planned out most of what I ate.

Positive AND Negative

didn’t go crazy after the gym and eat the entire house down like the last two days. But I did munch down some captain crunch cereal without being too mindful. (8.5 points)

Negatives:

Sigh. . I thought I was on track today. I swear, my period better come soon and make this hunger go away or I am going to undue 14 weeks of weightloss in one week at this rate.

Sunday 46.5 (3 AP)= 43.5 (after the gym I ate 27.5 point snack!)
Monday 57 (5 AP)= 52 (after the gym I ate a 23 point snack!)
Tuesday39 (3 AP)= 36 (after the gym I ate only a 8.5 point snack, but still. . . !!!)

I can not believe this. I just have to laugh, cuz it is so absurd. Okay- tomorrow, bring it on. I am strong. a warrior.  I will not let this derail me.  If I can make it through this week, I can make it through any week.

See the article from Eating Well that Roni posted today:

An excerpt

“This sounds a lot like what happens with chronic human dieters like Sarah, for whom, when they’re stressed, just a taste of a forbidden, calorie-packed food (like a Butterfinger bar) can trigger an uncontrolled eating binge. It also helps explain why so many dieters meet their downfall in calorie-laden fare like peanut butter and pizza. “Nobody breaks a diet with broccoli and cottage cheese,” quips Boggiano. “A very powerful food like chocolate that’s loaded with fat and sugar is going to create a big release of endorphins in the brain, which can trigger overeating. And for someone who has been dieting, that reaction might be exaggerated.”

Any ideas on how to curb the after a work-out eating frenzy?

Out of control again today. although today it wasn’t a salad I scarfed down. Crackers with cream cheese and jelly. Ugg! I knew I should have calculated points BEFORE I ate them, but NO. . I ate and ate. AND I ate some bread dipped in oil and vinegar. Total after gym snack? 23 points. UGG. AND I ate 46.5 points total yesterday.

I have to eat less. I know I can. I know I can. Am I sabotaging myself? If so, I SO need my brain examined.

I sat down and read all my posts since I started my blog in mid December. It was a great reflection exercise to read where I have come from along this journey. And I have to be honest. While I am doing a lot of things right- truly A LOT OF things I am kicking butt on. These “sabotaging moments” - like today and yesterday’s post-gym snack- really aren’t working for me. I compared my blog posts, my daily/weekly points, and my weight loss (or lack there of in some cases) for the last 6 weeks and I am plain and simple - eating too many points. Granted, I am honestly tracking my points, but I fall of the wagon (like today) and it just makes it that much harder to stay under points. I need to eat less. And that is hard.

I do like it when I have kept track in my blog of my daily points- it helps me go back and reflect. So I am going to do that this week too. As ugly as it may be to put it in writing.. . here we go….

[updated]

Sunday 46.5 (3 AP)= 43.5 (after the gym I ate 27.5 point snack!)

Monday 57 (5 AP)= 52 (after the gym I ate a 23 point snack!) EEEEGGGAAAADD!!

okay, actually, I am more amused by this number than anything. I am not devasted. I was SO hungry today and it wasn’t all mindless emotional eating. I realized that a) I am getting my period soon, so that explains some of the hunger and b) its done, I did everything else right today and freaking out over these two numbers isn’t gonna change anything. So, I do better tomorrow. At least I am honest. . . cuz that’s not a pretty number to share that’s for sure

Positives

57 minutes on the eliptical  (and 60 minute walk yesterday)

tracking every bite today

lots of water

Not so positives

crabby today.  came home from the gym and wanted to eat everything in sight.  thankfully I was craving a salad-  I scarfed it down.  I was definitely in my “out of control”  eating mode, but I am glad it was a salad.  But then I moved on to a second piece of bread (maybe a third– gosh, now I can’t remember-  I guess I will count it as three being I don’t recall),  a slim fast bar (the kind that taste even better than a butterfinger).  I was about to down a whole package of whole wheat crackers and I stopped, left the kitchen, took a shower, brushed my teeth and drank 32 oz of water.  Tonight is a “I am feeling blue, let’s eat until I feel comforted” kind of night.”

now I am tucked in to bed with my full bottle of water next to me watching a movie.

tomorrow will be better AND I am going to step class in the morning.  that’s the plan. .

I took the week off. I needed to and I feel okay with it. I gave myself one week off and no more. And today I am back.

Positives:

Even though I didn’t track points and didn’t exercise regularily I made okay choices. AND more importantly I still weighed in even though I was off program for the week. I used to skip my WIs when I didn’t like how the week went.

I lost 1.4 pounds at WI. Go figure. And yes, I need to send my thanks to all of you who gave me encouragement last week. I know that last week’s .2 gain shouldn’t have sent me in to a tizzy, but it wasn’t just the bump in the weightloss journey. it was multiple multiple factors in life. Taking a week off can’t always be my mode of operation when I am overwhelmed, that’s for sure, but I am also glad to see that I can take a break and regain motivation and get back on track after a intentional break. AND granted, when I am overwhelmed in life the last thing I should cut from the busyness is taking care of my body and me, but this week was one my few lowest low points in my personal life.  My legs were knocked out from under me.  But I am on the mend and keep my eyes looking forward. making lemonade out of the lemons life threw at me this week.

Today- I’m going to wash my vegetables, get them ready for packing into lunches for the week, find a few recipes for the week and make sure I have the ingredients. Wash and iron my work clothes for the week. Pick a couple of gym classes to go to, add them to my calendar.

Back to three nalgenes a day.

Going to the gym 4 times this week. I’m dragging behind on my JEC challenge goals, but that just means Swizzlepop will have to hold the challenge in February cuz I need my Lucy pants. I am glad that I am tracking what I am really doing. I realize that I usually THINK that I am going to the gym more than I ACTUALLY am. So keeping a record on my blog has been a very good thing. I will be able to keep trying from month to month to do a little more.

Challenge for me this week: I am SO mentally, emotionally, and physcially exhausted. I need to heal me in so many ways. This type of exhaustion can easily derail me.

Here we go me- let’s do this again. I’m worth it.

“At times like these a great skill to develop is to be able to take a step back from the emotions. Think about how it is in a crisis. Say, a large fire in the building you are in. Who do you want fighting the fire? Someone who is running around with their hands in the air yelling, “We are all doomed!” Or would you rather have someone with a cool head who is logically thinking about the options and taking positive steps? It is the very same thing with a weight loss plateau, or any other crisis in your life. If you keep a cool head, think logically about it, and take positive steps to solve the problem, you will succeed. If you give up, you fail. It is all up to you.”

http://www.dwlz.com/Al/alsarticles/alsarticles6.html

I am whining once again-  be forewarned.  All positive voices have gone out the window.

What the @%&^$^%#$%^$?

Gain .2

I am completely out of ideas.

This sucks.

As long as I don’t pay attention to the scale, I am feeling really good about things. This week eating within my points has been second nature for me. Which IS SO NOT the norm for me. But it is just clicking. Additionally, i’ve really been aware of choosing healthy points- meaning making sure I use my oils, get veggies in (three is pretty easy, more than that is still harder for me) and I am easily drinking 96oz (or more) of water a day. I’m in the gym much more than I used to be- and liking it. I feel good in my clothes (my fat clothes, not my middle or skinny sizes) but still. AND I am not flailing out of control for food. So, that’s my positive voice speaking for a change.

Also, I had an epiphany moment today as well at work (today was day 4 at my new job and my light-bulb moment came to me in the bathroom stall- random, I know,but it was my first alone time of the day) I thought of something I had written in one of my (many) recent “woe is me” posts.

“I just can’t shake this fear that even if I do it all well, that i will still gain and the weight will never come off. Never. That fear is gripping me and I so need to release it.”

I have been posting from a place of fear like that for many days now. I haven’t counted, but if I were to guess, i would say 4 days (4 is also  the number of days at my new job. ironic? I think not). And I knew that it was getting old to be a broken whiny record. But today, during the first mental break I had at my new job. I realized what I was really expressing in that fear. It wasn’t REALLY about fear of not losing weight, oh, I am sure it was partially about that, but at the core- it was really more like this-

“I just can’t shake this fear that even if I do it all well, that i won’t succeed in this new career path, at this job, in defending my thesis next week, in meeting my financial obligations. Nothing. Never. That fear is gripping me and I so need to release it.”

I haven’t been aware of how gripped I am by the fear of failure. Trying to figure out this path in life. I had 10 years of success in my first career. Then left that to follow my dream and got my master’s in a new field of study- amazing experience. And now, it’s week one in a new job. Starting over. Dressing professional again, not like a student. Having to prove myself, again. Feel like even with a Master’s, I am this wide eyed young girl, fresh out of undergrad, first day of her first job.

Self- you will succeed. and you will fail. and you know what? it’s okay. Both are necessary. Both are human. Both will enrich your journey. Being real in this job- meaning having failures and successes- will make it all the more real- and worthwhile- and valid.

Fear—- I gotta let you go. I gotta release you- slip away. . .

This journey is never just about the scale, is it.

Thursday                     = 24.5
Wednesday                      =31.5
Tuesday                             = 26
Monday 34.5 (minus 4 AP) =30.5
Sunday 27.5 (minus 3 AP) = 24.5

Daily Goal 24/ Flex used 17.0/34 ; WI- Friday or Saturday

I really didn’t need to even blog today.  I could have just linked you here as Kristy wrote exactly what I am feeling.  “Why is it when you do well, very well, it doesn’t pay off?”  I am going to have to put an end to my moan fest because I think this is day three of my whining about this.   While my whiny voice doesn’t want to listen to any positive feedback, my voice that is far more centered knows that truly I feel great.  I like eating like this.  I like not feeling the need to devour the cupboards.  I like that my muscles feel a bit sore throughout the day at work, reminding me that I am creating a more fit me.  I just can’t shake this fear that even if I do it all well, that i will still gain and the weight will never come off.  Never.  That fear is gripping me and I so need to release it.

Scale you no haveth controleth over me-ith

Sigh. . .

Wednesday 31.5 (minus 0 AP) = 31.5
Tuesday 26 (minus 0 AP)                  = 26
Monday 34.5 (minus 4 AP)                 =30.5
Sunday 27.5 (minus 3 AP)                 = 24.5

Daily Goal 24/ Flex used 16.5 ;  WI- Friday or Saturday

Eat less? Eat more?  drop out carbs completely for a while? more water?  be patient? (but what if, what if??)  Golly, I am a whiner.  I SO hope that on the last day of Jan, at the end of the January exercise challenge, that I can come back to read this post and laugh at the absurdity.

I give my apology in advance, trusting in the future (hopefully near) that I will post a fabulous scale victory and we can all laugh at that period in my blog history called “woe is me.”

So yesterday was a bit of a whiny day. Sorry. But thank you so much to Gomariego and Swizzlepop for your words of encouragement. And today?. . . . .

4 Veggies/fruits

Black berries, Carrot sticks, green beans, lettuce and few cucumbers.

Water

3 full nalgenes (96 oz) AND I found the water cooler at work.

AND I also got my dairy in which I usually don’t.

Go me!

Tuesday 26 (minus 0 AP)
Monday 34.5 (minus 4 AP)
Sunday 27.5 (minus 3 AP)

at my new job. Okay, yes I am sure there is water there. But a) I didn’t have time to go wandering, b) there wasn’t a water cooler or a break room in an obvious spot.  I am going to find it first thing in the morning tomorrow. Benefit of having a desk job is that I do remember to drink my water-  (or I will as soon as I find the water cooler). Today I have drank 96oz so far and I am aiming for one more 32 ounce bottle before I go to bed.

Question:  so I am trying to increase my fruit and veggies.  And it is SO hard sometimes.  How many servings does WW suggest? 3-5?  And what is a serving when it comes to vegetables?  I really want to increase my servings a day but actually getting 3-5 in everyday seems so overwhelming.

Good vibes needed this week please.   I am feeling SO defeated after my gain last week.  And not JUST that gain, but overall.  Its been 14 weeks.  I am really starting to think that the scale is never going to go down no matter how OP I am.  And furthermore, if it is this hard to get it off, how will I EVER KEEP IT OFF.  I was OP last week and gained 1.8.  Hello!!!  I am starting to let myself feel that I am somehow defective :(  How terrible is that?
I am giving it my all to really make the gym a habitat 3-4x a week and drink 3-4 nalgene bottles of water a day.  Cuz I have been staying on points for the majority of the 14 weeks and the results are so discouraging. I got to change something else cuz what I am doing isn’t working.  I am trying to tell myself that the tools I am learning are valuable, but some days a girl just wants the scale to go down.  ya know?

I skipped breakfast today which I never do, but still had a pretty good day.  ate mostly protein and vegetables and a little whole grain bread.  Drank three full nalgene bottles of water.  Goal is to keep eating like this, drink at least three nalgenes a day and not to use ANY of my weekly allowance points.

Sunday 25.5 points (minus 3 AP points)

Another reason why going to WW meetings are a good thing:  somewhere at WW I heard/read the idea of picking up a rotisserie chicken as a healthier alternative for an on the run meal.  I have never thought to even buying one of those before.  But today as I was STARVING from skipping breakfast and shopping at Fred Meyers I recalled that idea and scooted over to pick one up.  I removed the skin and it provided a good source of low-point protein and is what kept me on track today.  Note to self:  going to meetings provides an opportunit