Magical Shrinking Nancy

What is it about the middle of the month that brings me back to this site? I haven’t posted since the 15th of last month haha.

Thank You Roni for your comment. It is true that I know more than I did 6 months ago, a year ago, two years etc. I just had an experience that made me realize quite strongly, for a while, just how little I want what I say that I want. My old math teacher’s phrasing is so perfect even though it sounds silly. I want to be healthy, I want to be a good example to the young girls in my life. I don’t want to give them the idea that being thin is the ultimate goal or that being fat is okay. I want to be a good influence to be heathy, and I’m afraid that I’m doing just the opposite with my actions. I don’t know how much of an influence I have on them, but I would be devistated to learn that I’d had a negative impact on their lives.

I don’t track my weight anymore. When I had a doctors appt in the first part of August my wt was 287. I’m so busy right now that I forget to eat sometimes and other days I munch all day long. Neither is healthy, I know that. I rarely have much of a choice of what to eat. It’s just how much and whether or not to eat. For a while I was munching on fruit quite a bit. But now I’m a lot busier and I don’t do any of our shopping and my hours & paycheck have gone down by 1/3. I am eagerly anticipating completion of school and finding a real job. $7/hr @ 15 hr/week doesn’t even cover what I need it to. If I can’t get a student loan I’ll be dropping out of school. I don’t have a car right now, which means no car or insurance payments. I didn’t have either before, but I did have a car. I was on my dad’s policy and the car was payed for but it croaked. I’ve been driving my sister’s van. I hope she’s not stranded. She keeps telling me it’s okay but I’m still concerned. So I’ve still been buying gas. Right now my complete lack of money is weighing so heavily on my mind that I can hardly focus on anything else. The unavailability of work is frustrating too. I would look for a better paying job, but I doubt there’s one available without specialty training or a degree of some sort. The chances that they’d be as accomidating to my school schedule is slim as well. If I can make it through next summer financially then I’ll probably be able to find a new job as an LPN and be able to complete my second year and find an even better one as a RN :). I write here because I don’t know where to turn to. My mother always laments that she can’t fix everything and I really don’t have anyone else I’d talk to that might acctually be able to give me some advice. When I mentioned getting a loan she tried to talk me out of it. I don’t know what other option I’d have. She told me to try to borrow it from Dad, but I doubt he’d be able to do that. I need about 2k per semester, and I wouldn’t be able to pay it back until I got a job. I also need 1500 for a car (PIF :o) its used ;). plus an extra 1-2k for next summer if I want to do the LPN transition and work as an LPN through my second year. I don’t know how much the summer course and testing fees etc will cost but I heard tuition for the class alone is 700. I’m looking at needing to borrow at least 10k over the course of 2 years. That seems like a huge amount of money to me, but perhaps my youth is the cause of this perception.

During the course of writing this entry I found out that my cousin got married this weekend *faint* I think there are only 4 girls left from my class unmarried counting myself. I’m not upset I didn’t know about the wedding, that’s typical, I’m just surprised because of the conversation I had with her less than two months ago. We customarily have a very small, private, wedding, and the reception is when you invite everyone That’s this comming weekend! I hope I can make it :/

Feeling more alone than ever

~Nancy

I was reading this post http://blogs.weightwatchen.com/midwestgirlinct/2008/07/02/back-to-basics-2/ and I acknowledged some things.

I can have anything I want, just not everything I want. I’ve been told that repeatedly through my life, being applied to dozens of different situations, and it’s absolutely true every time. It’s so simple, so true, so basic, and yet so very hard to fully grasp.

I want the rewards without the work. I want blessings I neither have earned nor deserve. If I really want something, I have to see what that means I can’t have, and if it’s something I don’t want to give up, I have to make a decison. Which do I want, I can’t have both. I want to be fit and healthy; I want to look good. I don’t want to give up junkfood. I can’t have both of those desires. If I really want to get rid of this extra fat I have to want to exercise regularly, turn down junk, plan meals, edjucate myself about healthy choices. I have to WANT all of that, and probably more. If I wan’t conflicting things, whichever desire is stronger will win. If I don’t analyse this properly, I may be killing myself slowly and wondering the entire time why it’s happening. I have to make a decision.

There are so many things that I want and like that don’t contribute to a healthy and fit body. I need to realize, and accept, that I must give up these things entirely, or all but sparingly, if I really want to be healthy. If someone were to watch me in my daily life, there would be no indication that I want to be fit. I don’t exercise often. I don’t eat well. I binge on junkfood regularly. I watch television and sit on the computer for many hours a day. I don’t eat many vegetables. I’m killing myself every day and I don’t even care. I find it so hard to care to be healthy. I want to want to be healthy; I don’t wan’t to be healthy (To borrow some phrasing from an old math teacher of mine). I don’t want the things that will contribute to the lifestyle I want to have. I don’t want to do anything that requires any work. I’m constantly looking for shortcuts and ways to cop-out of things. I’m a fat ugly slob who doesn’t care enough to change.

I hate what I’ve done to myself and who I’ve become, but I don’t hate doing the things that make me that way. I enjoy being a fat disgusting slob and am completely miserable about it at the same time. I’m always making up excuses why I didn’t do something, and reasons not to do things. I wish I could be fat and happy with myself or acctually have the desire to change. Instead I’m stuck in this self-hating, self-destructive cycle.

It used to make me cry-It doesn’t anymore. I’ve ceased caring. I want to care again. I want the motivation I had when I was 13 for about 6 months, but it needs to be something more permanent. I need that same level of motivation and hope. A fleeting crush is not a very good motivation, but it’s the best one I’ve had in my whole life. I wanted to be attractive to a certain person, and I wanted to be popular. I thought if I was thin I could accomplish both of those things. Then I embarressed myself quite badly and lost hope. I was chubby before, and I’ve been fat, fatter, and obese ever since. Even being 20 years old with mild high blood pressure isn’t a motivator for me. I’ll probably die at 35 from my heart failing to pump blood through my 500 pound body. I’m filled with self-loathing and bitterness. I envy everyone I see.

Best Wishes

~*MSN*~

What happened to me? Just a few months ago I was happy, motivated, excited, and energetic. Just look at my posts! I also gained back a lot of the weight I’d managed to lose.

What is it about summers that makes me gain weight? Too much free time I suppose.

I want to be excited about life.
I want to be happy.
I want to have friends.
I need to be healthier.
I have to fix this, whatever it takes. I’m broken, I don’t know how to fix it, and I’m too ashamed to ask for help from anyone I know. I can tell 40,000 strangers on the internet all about my problems, and accept suggestions and help from people who have no idea my real situation, but, when it comes to people who acctually know me, I can’t open up. It’s too scary. I’m too afraid of having my trust broken and my heart crushed. I have no faith in people as a general rule. The whole town thinks I’m this bright happy vibrant spirit. I wish I really felt like that. I’ve found a mask to hide behind, it’s a nice cushy barrier, but it keeps me from connecting with people on any real level.

I’m always tired. For the past several days I’ve had a hard time going to sleep (I even turn the blasted TV off!) and then I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning because I’ve only had a few hours of sleep. Then I munch on junk all day long because being tired makes me crave high-energy foods. Then the oil & fat in all the junk makes me lethargic.

A friend I have over the internet whom I talk to on an almost daily basis is always going and doing all these active things. He inspires me to want to go out and do things myself, but I have nobody to do them with. The closest any of my friends live to me is in a neighboring state. At least anyone I’m close enough with that I wouldn’t be too embarresed to go be a fumbling idiot with. Nancy, Super Klutz! hehe…

Wishing you all the best,
~*MSN*~ (or not… on the S part)

Imagine my surprise when I saw that my post is still the most recent post on the front page!

I made it a goal to write on a journal every day. This is going to be my journal, for now at least.

I feel sluggish today…I havent been getting nearly enough sleep for several days in a row and I think it’s contributing to my lack of caring what I eat.

Here I am again. I can’t moderate my comments, my computer freezes up. I see a couple of nasty ones and it freezes before I can take any action.

I’m very down today. The past few days I’ve felt no motivation to eat healthy. I have absolutely no energy and I don’t really care about anything. I feel lonely. I don’t really have any friends. A lot of people like me, but I’m not close with anyone. I feel completely isolated. If I dissappeared off the face of the earth, nobody would know. A lot of people would notice I was gone, but I don’t think any of them would know what happened.

I recently re-joined sparkpeople.com; it seems like a really good program. I don’t think I have the motivation to follow any program though. I saw myself on video tape today: it was horrific. I’m so fat I hardly look human. The past few days I’ve been stuffing my emotions with food. YAY! I tried to stop for the good of my body, but I felt empty inside. So, I resumed my vain attempt to fill the hole in my heart by stuffing food into my stomach. I was to the point where swallowing was painful before I stopped. I wanted to keep eating, the food just wouldn’t go down. If I was able to, I probably would have vomited just to keep going. I don’t know what I’m feeling so blue about. If I can just figure out why I’m feeling bad I can usually stop these cycles. I don’t know what’s making me feel this way though.

In addition to feeling like eating non-stop I’ve also been feeling very tired. Yesterday I didn’t want to move. Monday I kept feeling like I was going to fall asleep standing up. Today I can’t seem to be bothered to move any more than I have to.

I’ve also been feeling kindof dizzy when I walk around, I wonder if it’s just getting used to my new glasses. Sometimes I’ll be walking around and just feel disoriented.

I just want to climb in bed and sleep…

wheee LOL

 ok so… I can run for ONE WHOLE MINUTE xD not much but it’s a start.

I recently read a “success story” in which the woman was about my height & weight. She started off by walking 15 minutes a day, and slowly adding in 1 minute run intervals more and more. She now runs marathons. =] hehe i can do it too-oo … and so can you-oo lol

OK so … sometimes when i’m at work i’m the only person there… well ok A LOT of the time. AND i know the times when there is the least chance of customers comming in. SO today I found this little web based timer (i’ve found it before but on a different site, the site I found it on before seems to have dissappeared) I clicked start and started to run around the store If anyone reviews the security tapes for today then I’m sure there will be a few laughs. ANYWAY 4 laps around the store running = just over 1 minute. But then I was so out of breath i could barely keep walking. But I did. I ran 4 laps which i decided to call one set. Then I walked 3 sets. Then I ran another set and almost didnt make it to the end. Then I walked 3 more sets. this was 15:36 =] woot 15 mins of exercise haha. =]

ANYWAY heres the cool little timer

http://www.vickiblackwell.com/timer.html

=] how are you today?

 I was checking my email and had one from Roni about changes to the website. I haven’t been here for a long time. I haven’t done much with my health. I’ve been working on a new plan, by me, based on all my knowledge, customized for me. I’ll share when I’m done. Mostly it’ll be a journal. I might like put weekly or montly updates on here. I kindof miss you guys! I didn’t miss the 47 “adult video” comments that I just deleted but hey, that’s the way the internet goes. 

So a little update on my life.

I got my associates of arts - general emphesis degree this weekend. It doesnt really feel like an accomplishment cause I’m going right back to school this fall for an associates degree in Nursing. I finally decided what I’m going to do, for a while anyway. I’m going to be super busy with everything and well….  We’ll see how things go.

 As far as health/fitness goes I’ve been eating better overall. I did make some changes that have stuck. I’ve recently begun being a little more active as well.

Best Wishes to all of you, congratulations on all your hard work.

Nancy

A - Age: 20
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chores you hate: Mopping
D - Dessert you love: Do I only get to pick one? umm… Scandinavian-kringler-no-a-hot-brownie-no-german-chocolate-cake-no-warm-peach-cobbler-with-ice-cream-no-a-peice-of-yummy-cheesecake-no uh oh … there’s my problem xD
E - Essential start your day item: Human contact. I almost never get up without someone at least calling me on the phone. If I ever move out by myself I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably pay someone to call me in the mornings.
F - Favorite actor(s): *shrug* Ones that do a good job?
G - Gold or Silver: MMmmm silver i guess
H - Height: 5-9
I - Instruments you play: Most to least skill Recorder, flute, piano, guitar
J - Job title: *giggle* not telling =P
K - Kids: Someday
L - Living arrangements: With my parents still
M - My name is: Nancy
N - Nicknames: None  - if you want to live
O - Overnight hospital stay: Knock on wood: none
P - Pet Peeve: Lots of things…. People who don’t use their blinker/turn signal
Q - Favorite quote: “Yesterday is History, tomorrow is a Mystery, Today is a gift, that’s why We call it the Present”
R - Right or left handed: Primarily Right
S - Siblings: Lots of girls
T - Time you woke up today: 7am
U - Unique habit: I put my socks & shoes on one foot at a time, sock & shoe, then other sock & shoe, i hear most ppl do sock sock shoe shoe
V - Vegetable you hate: Cauliflower.
W - Wishing for: Lots of things… Weight loss =]
X - X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, right elbow
Y - Yummy food you make: Everything I make is yummy >=]
Z - Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

I’m going to post my food journals weekly instead of daily. Most of the time before I was really posting them once every couple days and just backdating them.

Saturday - Feb 23

Breakfast - 2 mini bagles 100 calories each & some dried fruit & nut mix - 2 grain, 1 oz meat, 1 fruit

Morning snack - String Cheese & Milkey way :p odd combination i know - 1 dairy

oh oh.. I don’t remember specifically waht else I had. I know i had some more snack-food type stuff cause I didn’t bring lunch with me.  I think I had a cheez’n'crackers handi snack and a reeses… and I had some juice. - 1 grain & 1 fruit

“Dinner” - Chips & salsa - at least 3 grains & 1 veggie

Daily totals : >5 Grain ; 2 Fruit; 1 veggie; 1 dairy; 1 meat; >3 sweets;

Saturday wasn’t that great. I didn’t bring anything to eat to work so I had to buy stuff.

Sunday - Feb 24

Slept in til noon.

Had some leftover taquitos, like 5 of them for “lunch” - about  3 oz meat & 2-3 grains.

Dinner : Roasted Garlic & Chili Pasta; Salad with Ceaser Parmesean Dressing; Rustic Italian Bread dipped in Vinegar & olive oil. - 4 grains, 2 veggies

Daily Totals : 7 grains, 2 veggies, 3 meat,