a new day, a new lady

Wow, now there’s a question/comment I NEVER thought I’d ask/write, lol. But seriously…last night I was looking through my pictures folder on my computer, just reliving some of the good times I’ve had in the past couple of years and I came upon my year of pictures at my lowest weight and I was just shocked - SHOCKED - at how good I looked! That’s where this regaining the weight thing comes into play. When I was at the lower weight, I never thought I looked good, I only wanted to lose more weight. I knew that I was smaller than before but I still saw the bigger girl and I was completely unsatisfied and self-conscious. It was like I had my blinders on and nothing was good enough. Now having regained some of that weight, I can look back at myself and say damn, I looked good and be proud of what I accomplished. I think it will help me to appreciate my weight loss more this time around because now I am actually seeing myself.

If you have read my “about” page you know that I am SUPER body conscious, which can be a good and a bad thing. Originally, I never knew how large I was until I started losing weight and I became ashamed of the person I used to be and how I looked. That’s why even at my lowest weight, I couldn’t appreciate it because I was still so obsessed with how I used to look and how oblivious I was to my size and so how could I possibly look good now because I had been living for years not really knowing my size. Vicious cycle I tell you. But like I said, now that I have gained some of the weight back, I can see myself for who I was then, for how I looked, for how far I had come and the progress I had made.

I think that this will make a big difference this time around because I will TRULY appreciate every pound I lose and KNOW that it’s changing me and making me a different person - a new lady if you will - and I can be happy with myself! Maybe hopefully lose some of this crazy body conscious stuff.

I just think it’s so funny how losing weight can effect you on so many levels. I NEVER thought through my weight losing process I’d ever get depressed or unhappy because I WAS LOSING WEIGHT! But I seriously went through some major identity issues. I think I finally have a grip on them now because I can finally SEE myself. I can finally see that at my lowest weight, I was actually about the size of my super cute best friend. When we took pictures together, it wasn’t obvious that I was the “big girl” and she was the “cute fit girl” - we look equal! And I NEVER saw that before!

So I guess what they say is true - everything DOES happen for a reason! And for me, it was regaining some of the lost weight to truly SEE myself. I can’t be mad at that because I know it’s going to really help me this time around. I’m so excited to go on this journey again because I know it will be different and I really think I will be happy this time around