Goal: My Size 8 Jeans

My work (in a state office) finally blocked access to weight watchen.  I was wondering how long it would take, but I have to admit I was furious when they did it.  I have been blogging for months, and now they put a big cramp in the journaling process.  I don’t feel quite as focused, and finding time to blog at home is hard.  I am going to do my best to get back in and blog every night or every other night.

My last stretch to goal weight has been a long one.  I seem to plateau, but for no other reason than I have lost focus and momentum.  I am trying to gain it back, but that is even more difficult when I feel as tired as I do lately.  I can’t figure it out.  Several afternoons now, I have had to come home and lay down, which of course means a nap.  Which I love to do, but I feel guilty missing workouts.  At times, I can think of nothing else but getting to bed.  I hope i can figure this out.  I wonder if I need more protein or what. I am doing low carb, so surely I am getting enough protein.  And I don’t feel like calories are the issue, because I am struggling to much to lower them.  Any advice?

My day today was better as far as eating on plan was concerned.  I hopefully began the process of making up for my pizza binge last night.  4 slice of papa johns thin crust.  I ate it so fast I can’t even remember tasting it.  What a waste…

Menu

B: EAS shake, coffee

S: 1/2 oz. almonds

L: 3 slices bologna, string cheese, salad with 1.5 tbsp. ranch, SF jello

S: chicken breast from Wendy’s

D: LC Meatloaf, mashed cauliflower, green beans

S: sugar free cupcake

NO workout today.  I intended to come home and do weights, but I felt soooo exhausted.  I hope I can kick this.

I feel absolutely worn.  Like I can’t catch up with myself.  Things have been superbusy, but it usually doesn’t take a toll like this.  Maybe it is the weather change, maybe it is the busy schedule, I am not sure.  I pushed myself really hard yesterday to get my workout in and I did. I feel really sore today from weights, which always makes me feel like something is happening with my body.  I mow the lawn today, so that should count as a workout, and a rigorous one at that. 

I think I need to allot more time at home.  I spend a lot of time away.  Working, rehearsing, running errands, out to dinner.  Fortunately my eating is under control, but I feel like my mental health is out of whack.  I need to get my house cleaned and organized and spend one night just watching TV.  That would be awesome!

Menu:

B: 2 eggs scrambled with cheese, 4 bacon, Starbucks coffee

L: Quizno’s Roman Chicken Salad

D: salmon or chicken sound really good right now….but it will most likely be out and about, since we have a show tonight at 7 pm

Workout: Mowing the lawn (I hope for the last time this year!)

I have been feeling pretty yucky the past few days.  Not with a cold or flu or anything.  I have been feeling nauseous, tired and unsettled.  I finally realized this morning that it is probably because I have eaten like crap the last few days.  The crap I have put into my body this weekend is taking its toll.  I can’t wait to get it all out and feel back to normal.  I have drowned myself in water, and tried to drink tea to help eliminate the nasty in my body.  It’s getting there, but I am not 100%.  I guess this feeling is an indicator that my body is getting healthier and when I treat it poorly, I feel poorly.  I can’t believe that is how my body has changed in 25.25 inches.

Today’s menu needs to be lighter so I keep feeling better.  Last night was not the success I had hoped and I didn’t work out–I felt too tired.

Menu:

B: 2 bacon, 3 egg substitute omelet with veggies, 1/2 oz.  cheese.

L: unsure….maybe fish….

D: grilled chicken salad  

Workout: 30 min treadmill, 25 min weights

My plan for this past weekend was followed mostly.  I did my very best to plan ahead for choices and limit carbs.  I found myself dealing with a stressful situation Saturday and Sunday, and allowed myself indulgences to cope.  Pretty sucky.  I reverted back to old methods because there was nothing that would make feel better.  At least I thought.  I am over it now, and the Jack in the Box and Papa John’s are through the body, and I am moving on.  No gain, but just irritated that I allowed myself to succumb to emotional stress.  Again, it is over and i am moving forward.

Tonight’s challenge will be faced at PF Chang’s.  I love PFC and we rarely go, so tonight we are going to celebrate the BF’s b-day. I already planned on shrimp and asparagus, which I love, and absolutely NO RICE.  I feel fortunate that rice doesn’t really do it for me, so it won’t be too challenging to skip it.  The biggest challenge will be overeating.  I need to check in often and see how hungry I am throughout dinner.

On the NSV front, I found that I have lost a total of 25.25 inches all over my body. I began measuring in 11/05 when I was 195.  I measured my inches and logged them into SELF Diet Club.  40 pounds lost equals a total of 25.25 inches!!!  Which makes me wonder–when I was up to 209 pounds, how many inches was that.  Astounding!  That is alot of volume. 

I recently had a friend (good friend) ask me if I had lost a little weight.  I was floored.  Was he kidding?  A little?  So I responded, “yeah, uh, about 50 pounds.”  I think he was embarrassed.  I don’t know if he was trying to be sensitive, but he was the opposite.  I realize he meant well, but he could have said, “you look great, how much weight have you lost?”  Anyway, I know he was trying to be nice, but I was thinking, “Are you kidding?  A little weight?”  I guess I can laugh about it now…

Back on track today minimizing carbs, and really focusing on minimizing calories.  I need to up my water today since I let myself get super dehydrated this weekend.

Menu:

Breakfast: Coffee (didn’t mean to skip, wasn’t hungry and wasn’t prepared)

Lunch: Taco salad no shell, with cheese, sour cream, salsa, jalapenos, half beef/half turkey

Dinner: PF Changs–orange peel shrimp, szechuan asparagus (aim to eat only 1/2)

Workout: Treadmill 30 minutes, weights 25 minutes

I splurged again.  At lunch I met my BF for Birthday BBQ (his).  I usually order burnt ends (sauce on the side), and a salad or coleslaw.  Well, the options were fries or cheesy corn.  I despise corn, and LOVE fries, so I rationalized it was BF’s birthday and I could splurge.  That’s fine with me, except I have splurged everyday this week.  What the hell is going on?  I feel a little bit on a downward spiral. 

I need a plan.  The next few days are rough.  We are on the road tomorrow with the band, and then Sunday is cool until BF’s bday dinner at the buffet.  I really need to stick to my guns.  I am tired of this out of control feeling. 

I am 8 pounds from my goal, and I have less than a month to get there.  The way I have been going is not going to get me there.  I need to really sit down and plan to get this weight off, and my choices back in control.  Calorie and carb counting is really hard!

On a positive note, I took some measurement, and lost a total of 5 inches allover from last month!  That is alot.  I have noticed it too, in my clothes purchases and my profile.  Pretty exciting but I think I let my disappointment in myself get me down. 

Let the planning begin!

Today’s Menu:

B: 2 eggs with cheese, 4 bacon, coffee

L: burnt ends with BBQ sauce, fries

S: coffee

D: (late night) salad with ranch-NO CROUTONS!

Short term plan:

Saturday ( on the road with the band to St. Louis): LC bars, jerky, cooler with string cheese and deli meat, water only, at concessions-hot dogs and burgers only.

Sunday (BF’s b-day): sleep through breakfast, salad for lunch, buffet at the casino–low carb choices only, 2 plate max.

Monday (BF’s b-day dinner with friends): shake for breakfast, low cal/carb lunch, PF Chang’s-meat with lite sauce, no rice, side of veggies. 

That should get me through the toughest part of the weekend into next week where I can really focus on eating well and reducing calories.  I also need to step up the cardio intensity.  The weights are awesome (and I think the difference in the 5 inches) and I will continue to do those.

Any advice?

I had a great weigh in on Monday, and now I am secretly (well, I guess it is not so secret) sabotaging my diet.  Monday, it was a few french fries, Tuesday, is was a few more fries, Wednesday it was mini chocolate chip cookies, and today it was a small onion ring from Burger King.  What is going on?  Why am I doing this?  I have not had a food issue like this in a while.  It is reminiscent of the old days.  Is my menu getting stale?  It almost seems mindless when it happens.  I am not sure what is going on.

On a bright note, I had a successful shopping experience yesterday.  As opposed to my not so exciting one on Friday.  Friday’s search was for khaki’s–pants that never flatter anyone, I don’t know why.  I began at Kohl’s and realized all khaki’s are made with tapered legs, or straight.  Not so flattering on wide hips, or anyone for that matter.  I headed to the junior’s section, and begrudgingly bought a pair of denim khaki’s, not my favorite thing, but I needed them ASAP.  I was time crunched but decided to swing by Target and just SEE.  I grabbed a pair called “boyfriend cut”, also not flattering, but in a cute color, and the pockets on the back were butt minimizing.  So I bought those too.  Well, I get home try on for the BF for input, and end up breaking down.  The first time I have broken down about weight since 2002.  I felt like crap.  Fast forward to yesterday…

I was on a mission for black pants.  All mine now have saggy asses, and since my ass isn’t saggy, but more bubbly, I needed something I would feel good in (and didn’t look like I had a load).  So……I bought size 8’s at….drum roll…..EXPRESS.  OMG I couldn’t believe it!  I got size 8 dress pants, and a pair of 10 jeans.  In addition to that I got size 8 jeans at GAP and size 8 khaki’s!  So, does that mean I am officially a size 8.  No.

 Why you ask?  Well, I have a pair of size 8 American Eagle outfitter jeans that are my barometer.  When I fit in those I will officially be a size 8.  Which means, I will likely be a 6 elsewhere, which suits me just fine.  I am so close, but these little cheats are killing me!

Even though I was sick yesterday, I walked 20 minutes on the treadmill, and did my weight workout.  I really did feel better when I was done.  So I was glad I did it.  Then I was even gladder when I was shopping.  Now if I can just commit 99.9%…

Menu:

B: 1 1/3 EAS shakes, coffee

L: Double Cheeseburger (no bun), small onion rings, diet Coke

S: Coffee, roast beef

D: unknown..NO CHEATS!

Workout: 30 min intervals on treadmill; rehearsal

I don’t often get sick, but I can feel the soreness creeping in my throat and the congestion building in my head.  My head feels “full”, and it is making me tired.  I can realize how slow I am doing things today.  It is so weird.  I wish it would just hit me and then I could deal with it.  I may go home early today.

I inadvertently went off my plan last night. We went to an Italian place, and I wasn’t too hungry which I thought was good, so I ordered a side salad with ranch, and a bowl of tomato Florentine soup.  When I looked up the values of the soup it showed 34 carbs!!!  OMG, that is way more than in a day!  I figure it wasn’t the end of the world since they were carbs from tomatos and dairy, but I am sure there was some flour in their for thickening.  So the scale showed a gain this morning.  Maybe it was the salt instead–yeah, the salt…..

Menu: (not feeling that hungry)

B: 1 egg scrambled with 1/4 oz. cheese, 2 bacon, 2/3 EAS shake, coffee

L: roast beef, salad with ranch, SF jello

S: Coffee, 5 mini chocolate chip cookies from the Cookie Factory

D: Red Lobster: saclmon new orleans, broccoli, salad with ranch (too much food) and I was full, but I ate it anyway…

Workout: I need to do some weights, so I hope I am up for it…

I weighed in at 155.5 this morning!  The lowest I have probably weighed in close to 10 years.  It feels really good.  I noticed that my pants were super baggy, but wore them to work anyway, because they are comfy.  I look frumpy, and I have been remembering the days when these pants were really tight.  Unfortunately (well, not really),  I may have to retire them. 

Hopefully, I can sustain 155.5 and lose the lats 7.5 pounds.  I have tried to be more consistent with exercise and realize that as long as I do something regularly, it doesn’t always have to be an all-out cardio and strength session.  I have always been an all or nothing person and I am glad to see that changing.  Realizing that eating well, and being healthy isn’t all or nothing is instrumental to my success.

I will continue to have a busy week, but planning for good choices has been my mainstay.   I just need to keep it up.  We have a big show this weekend in St. Louis, and I want to make sure I look and feel good, and I am prepared for a long day, with not alot of good options.  I can do it though.

Menu:

B: eggbeater’s omelet, with veggies and cheese, bacon, coffee

S: almonds

L: out some where, hopefully a salad

D: Again, out somewhere…not sure, but salmon sounds good. 

Workout: weights

I successfully made it through a weekend filled with negative emotions without crashing my diet.  I don’t know if that has ever happened in my entire life.  While the emotional side of things feels pretty crappy, I am elated at my progress.  I am officially 9 pounds from goal, which is under 10 pounds, and I am really looking forward to being at my goal.  Things I am looking forward to:

1. My sister visiting with my baby niece, and not feeling self conscious about me or jealous of her weight loss.

2. Being home for Christmas, and predicting my family’s reaction.

3.  Visiting some old college professors and seeing their reactions to my 50 pound difference.

4.  Finally having toned arms in a picture.

5. Stabilizing my emotions and maintaining my weight loss.

6. Seeing my brother and seeing if his “fighting the war in Iraq” diet is better than my low carb one.  He will be surprised when I tell him I have lost 60 pounds!  (BTW, we made a bet when he was deployed)

7. Altering my work suits (I wish it were free, like a reward for weight loss)

8.  Indulging in something I love to eat, and not worrying how far it will derail my loss.  One slice of cake is not 60 pounds.

I write this list to remind myself to put a positive spin on life as it is right now, and commend myself for taking control of something (eating) that once felt so beyond my control. 

I wish I could write about something other than emotions, but have you ever had a period in your life where your emotional state is fragile, and it is shocking.  I surprise myself at how affected I have become by my feelings.  Almost like a trauma, but classifying the heartache I have been through trivializes people who have had really traumatic experiences in their lives.  BUt I know I need to keep pressing on, and life doesn’t stay like this forever.  At least, I know mine won’t, because I won’t let it.   And when I come out of it, I will have a hot bod to show for it!!!

 Menu for Monday:

B: eggbeaters omelet with veggies and cheese, 2 slices bacon, coffee with splenda.

L: salad with ranch, slices roast beef (2 oz), SF jello

S: coffee with Splenda, Atkins Bar

D: Steak, green beans sauteed with garlic and ICBINBS.

Workout: Treadmill, yoga

My weight didn’t move this week, which is both promising and disappointing.  Promising because i am certain that I have the art of maintaining mastered.  I can stay at the same weight or within a couple each way for weeks!  Which is also why it is disappointing when I am only 9 pounds from goal.

Also curiously disappointing is the fact that I eat a late night meal before I weigh in on Friday.  Maybe I should push my weigh in to Saturday or Thursday morning.  It is unavoidable.  I try and eat prior to rehearsal on Thursdays, but after I am starving.  I was low carb last night, and only had an eggbeaters omelet and bacon, but I wonder if the volume/calories made me stay the same.  What does everyone think/how to deal with late night eating?

On an upside, I did weights again yesterday after almost a week off, and I got through the video easily.  Triceps are still hard, but lunges and ab stuff, which used to KILL me, was moderately easy.  I also liked watching the tone of my body take shape.  I looked at my stomach last night while in my underwear, and thought, “I could wear a bikini, and it wouldn’t be the end of times.”  I wouldn’t be comfortable in it, but I could.

So anyway, I am sore this morning, and it feels good.  People seem to be taking notice more often that I have lost a substantial amount of weight.  50 pounds to be exact since 01/06/06.  I guess that is a lot of weight huh? 

Menu:

B: EAS shake, coffee

S: 3 slim jim, 1 sting cheese, meat and cheese delicuts, 1 deviled egg, small chunk of bread with spinach dip (secretary’s b-day today)

L: Caesar Salad with 6 shrimp

D: Not sure wither, because I will be on my own…