1.  Lose 25 lbs, if done by Thanksgiving I will splurge and get the highlights I have always wanted…who knew that coloring only pieces of your hair costs so much more than dyeing the whole thing??

2.  At 40 lbs lost (hopefully by the end of January) I will reward myself with a manicure…yet another thing I have not tried….

3.  At 60 lbs lost…I will buy a new bathing suit woo hoo!

Thats enough for now…I will revisit and make new goals when I meet #3.

I know…I am still date bound…it is my personality

I struggle with my weight every second of every day, like a lot of people.  I have been this way since the age of eight, when my mom put me on my first diet.  Before this moment, I thought I was just a pretty average kid…yeah I was bigger than most my age, but I played soccer, softball and ran around outside daily with my siblings…and I could keep up with them.  I had a decent athletic ability and loved sports.

I still remember the day clearly.  I came home from a soccer game with a huge rash on my chest.  My mom took me to the doctor and he determined that the rash was from the uniform–my breasts were developing and they were rubbing against the the logo.  So we went to the store and I got a bra.  Apparently, my parents felt that I was getting fatter, not necessarily developing early.  So, I was told that I could not have anything basically that my brother and sister enjoyed:  ice cream, soda, seconds at dinner, rice krispie treats (a favorite) etc…

Thus began my long journey with hating my body, food and desperately trying to lose weight.  By the time I was 12, I could no longer wear regular clothes and began wearing my mother’s size fourteen pants.  My parents militantly monitored my food intake (to this day, I do not eat the last of ANYTHING–if there is one slice of bread or one cookie or whatever, I leave it.  Because if I finished something, it was assumed that I ate the entire bag, box etc.) By 15, I was in a size 24W.  At 16 I joined Weight Watchers,  and went back down to a size 14.  All through this time I played soccer and softball consistently and added in tennis, racquetball and volleyball depending on my work/school schedule. 

Things were great for awhile, I got a boyfriend, went to college, got engaged, the engagement was broken….and I subsequently reached my highest weight by the age of 22, 317 pounds in a size 26.  I continued to yo-yo diet over the next several years, not really ever getting anywhere. 

I moved to a different state and last year I rejoined Curves ( and counted points with my weight loss buddy) and in six months went from 309 to 249.  I was elated…until for five months could not get below 249.  Then, my weight loss buddy, my friend who owned the Curves, closed her center.  Losing that support was horrible.  I found a new curves, but could not find the support I needed. Subsequently, I quit going and frustrated with my lack of progress, quit counting points as well.  I lost every ounce of motivation.  As a result, I am back to a size 20 and weigh in at a whopping 274.

Yesterday was rock-bottom day.  I have continued to walk my dog on our normal two mile route and being an avid outdoorswoman, go hiking, backpacking, canoeing, and skiing every chance I get.  It was on a canoeing trip with kids that I work with, that I nearly started crying.  The river was lower than expected and we kept getting hung up on rocks.  I ended up in the boat alone, because no child wanted to canoe with me because I had to keep getting out and drag the canoe over the low spots.  No one else had to do this.  The next day, I overheard one of them say that I should get off the couch more often and stop watching so much TV, then maybe I would not be so fat.

I was stunned.  It took everything that I had to not go into my office and cry for the rest of the day.  I have battled that stereotype my entire life, but with the recent failures, it hit really hard.  I come from an active family, we didn’t even have cable and I don’t have it now, because I so rarely watch TV.  My family is also larger than normal, but no one is as fat as I am.  I want to scream when people assume that I just lay around or am lazy, that’s not the case…but I am fat… how do I prove them wrong?

So…leaving all of that melodrama behind…I went to the internet to find some inspiration, some motivation.  And I think I have found it here, among those of you who struggle or have struggled as I have.  I have completely lost the confidence I gained when I lost weight last year, and I hope to get it back. 

So, yes…I fell off the wagon…and am looking for my direction…hopefully I will find them and meet my goals.

GOAL #1:  Weigh 248 and/or wear size 16/18 by October 31st

GOAL #2: Weigh 239 by my 32nd birthday, January 9th

GOAL #3:  Weigh 199 by June 1st, 2008

GOAL #4:  Weigh 159 by my 33rd birthday

GOAL #5:  Maintain my goal weight of 159 for the rest of my life

Are these goals realistic?  I sure hope so.  I want to stop feeling this way.

Thanks for Listening!

Kimberjo:)