SugarBoom!

What have I been up too?

1. I still eat crap and I still eat well. Usually both in the same day. For example, today I had a healthy lunch and breakfast and totally stuffed up the morning and afternoon snacks. Please someone, make chocolate illegal and take it off the shelves.

2. I’ve been going to see my personal trainer twice a week now for a few months now. Love it. LOVE IT! Really. She kicks my butt and I think it’s fab.

3. I can now do full push ups…I have never been able to do that before.

4. I feel pretty fit. The extra weight is hard to carry and I notice that it’s there but otherwise I feel pretty good.

5. Chocolate gives me insomnia now. Darn it. So when I have it (like today) I feel guilty for giving in and can’t sleep to boot, extending the guilt.

6. I can jog for 10 minutes without stopping. Whoo Hoo!

7. I’ve gained weight, about 4kgs which is a real bummer. I’m pretty sure it’s all muscle though as my eating is no different and I’m way stronger. Underneath a thick layer of flab my stomach muscles are rock hard.

8. My 6 yr old told me last night I needed to go on the Biggest Loser…thanks honey, your honesty is always appreciated

So let’s do a list.

1.       There was no exercise for me today, even though I had a good night’s sleep I’m so sleep deprived I was nodding off at 11am. An hour of sleep really helped

2.       I also ate chocolate today…oooh it tasted so good, and so awful as well. How is that? I loved the taste and was disgusted by it at the same time. I think I’m actually going off chocolate, what I really love is its effect on me and the memories of loving the taste.

3.       I also didn’t have any yoghurt; I mean literally, there wasn’t any in the house. So I’m getting some tomorrow, I really am determined to keep up with the February challenge.

4.       It’s my first meeting with my personal trainer tomorrow; I hope she kicks my butt.

5.       Mini goal starting tomorrow is to go one day acting like a fit healthy person. That would be getting up at a normal time, eating a healthy 6 small meals, feeding the kids only healthy food, going to the gym and getting sweaty and generally doing what needs to be done. Just one day…surely I can do one day!!

6.       There’s an hour left till bed time, so I’m off to clean the house…I love a clean house in the morning.

Right?

Tomorrow, my new, clean day will not include chocolate, cool drink, KFC, negative thoughts or a ‘I’ve slipped up so the rest of the day doesn’t matter’ thought.

I’ve really loved our relationship. Right from the start I knew you were something special. You were there for me on hot days and cold days and was even my chocolate substitute on occasion. However I’ve began to realise that you are not Mr Perfect; in fact I think you may have been abusing me, abusing my body and my mind.

I’ve come to realise that I’ll never get over Mr Chocolate until I have you out of my system, because being with you makes me want him even more and I’ve also been told that you are partly responsible for my low serotonin levels every time you go all diet on me.

So I’m sorry, we can’t be together anymore. I’ve met someone else I really like and want to develop the relationship, his name is Bottled Water and I think we could have a future together.

I’ll really miss you, I’m sure we’ll meet again but only as casual acquaintances.

It’s been two weeks since I began taking Saint John’s Wort and I’m pleased to report that a new Sugarboom is typing this today. I thought I’d just list all the changes I’ve seen in myself.

1.      Getting angry and taking it out on Big B and the kids? Did I really used to do that? Wow! Because the new me is calm and hasn’t been cranky let alone raging in two weeks now. Big B spent all week saying how nice the week has been.

2.      Eating up to two family blocks of chocolate a day? I can’t believe I used to do that. I have almost NO desire to eat chocolate. Yesterday I bought a family block to eat, ate two rows and then threw the rest in the bin…I was bored with it. Last Monday after 4 days of not thinking about or eating chocolate I bought a family block as a treat…I finished it off today, five days after buying it.

3.      Eating carbs till I want to chuck? Nope, although carbs are hard to control I’ve only ate extra carbs on two days this week and half. But because I’m not thinking about what I eat anymore I’ve been eating more bread with Big B and that has shown up on the scales (as in not dropping a huge amount of weight because bread makes me balloon). Although this week I’m gluten free and the scales will definitely respond.

4.      Eating everything on my plate and the kids as well? About two thirds less these days. Although some days I’m just really hungry and some days I’m doing a mini mini binge. I’m slowly listening to my body and stopping when full…again the carbs are tricky to control.

5.      Waking up every hour at night? Well Little C made that possible for me most of the week as she’s cutting a tooth but on days she slept, I slept. It feels wonderful.

6.      Feeling like a failure? Me a failure? No way, I’ve embraced my crafting with vigour and even have two future sales in the works. I’m loving my new found confidence.

7.      So tired of being around my kids? This is the biggest surprise. I just thought I was a lousy mum. Funny how these things, which you think are the result of a poor personality, are actually symptoms of deeper problems. I love hanging with my kids now, nothing is too much trouble.

I’m finally the girl Big B always knew I was, and the girl I knew I was. It feels nice to be calm all the time and I feel at last I can go on and stay on a diet.

So let’s start…day zero

Makeover tasks by Weight Online

Makeover day: 0

Tasks: Clean bathroom mirror.

Mood: Calm.

That would be me! Why am I so fat? Why is this so hard? Why can’t I just eat like a normal person? Why don’t I look like Roni? Whaa whaa whaa. Enough already, even I’m bored with myself when I carry on like that.So let’s address these problems once and forever.

1.    You’re fat because when you get pregnant your appetite goes out the window, and you’re lazy right now, and spoiled rotten. So suck it up kiddo and eat like an adult.

2.    This is hard because you’re emotionally addicted to sugar, and you have an overeating problem. These aren’t easy things to get over; it’s not called addiction for nothing.

3.    You do eat like a normal person, you eat a diet that isn’t too bad, that’s why you’re losing weight. What you mean is why can’t you have no problems or emotion connections with food? See answer 1 and 2.

4.    You do look like Roni. Just like she did after a month or two on the diet, not like she does now, dopey. As if you would, she’s been at this for two years, you, two months.

One huge problem is that I’m not tracking properly, well, not at all. Big mistake. We all know we need to track to stay on the straight and narrow. I’m seeing a nutritionist on Friday; I’m hoping she’ll give me some pointers on overcoming food and sugar addiction. So I’m tracking my food intake and moods, and energy levels to help her help me.What was interesting today was I had chicken, chips and rolls for lunch and by 3pm I was almost falling asleep in my chair. Bread and chips = terrible energy. I’m starting to wonder if I don’t have a gluten intolerance. It could explain a lot. 

Anyho, if you want to have a pity party like I did then you need to call 1800 Whaa, extension Boo Hoo. They’ll listen.

Yay!! I’m not eating perfectly (goodness knows I didn’t today) but still the weight is dropping off. This week I’m wearing some pre-pregnancy pants, they’re a bit tight but they fit. I’ve learned a few things along the way about my body and how it works. And you know…I’d like to share them with you.

1.       Bread is the enemy, seriously. I ate 3 rolls over two days earlier this week and gained a kilo. When it had finally passed through me (eww…sounds like tmi) I’d dropped the weight.

2.       You have to eat a lot of crap to be fat. I’m eating a bit of junk and still losing, although I’m guessing this will change as I get closer to goal.

3.       Exercising in the morning curbs my appetite for the whole day. This is why I always go over on the weekends; they’re non exercise days for me.

4.       I don’t need much to feel full physically, but I need a lot to feel full emotionally, so the trick is to fill up the emotional hunger in other ways.

5.       Chocolate today will make me really crave it tomorrow.

Things I’ll be working on this week:

1.       Emotional hunger, it’s a killer.

2.       Exercising every day

There’s an article in the October Madison magazine I just read called “Body Guilt”. It’s about women and their unhealthy obsession with food, women who eat tiny amounts every day, who choose social engagements based on what they can or can’t eat there, women whose lives are run by food.

And I thought I don’t want to be like that. That extreme obsession. Sure I want to be thin, and I know it’ll take work. I know being healthy will require constant vigilance on my part and daily exercise but I don’t want to be miserable about it.

Two weeks ago I went to a weight meeting and was put off by one of the women there who was so flippant about her binges, her inability to control what she ate and I thought ‘I don’t want to be like her, I want to care about my health and have some commonsense when deciding what I put in my mouth’.  After seeing her I started looking more closely about what I ate, was I acting like a sensible grownup and taking care of myself or was I acting like a perpetual child, greedy and selfish?

But I don’t want to be like the other women either, eating spinach and dry toast for dinner, crying myself to sleep because I can’t lose the last 2 kilos.

The happy medium, caring about what I eat, enjoying what I eat and being sensible about what I eat is something I’ve been able to sustain for a couple of days now. It’s been a very long time since that has happened, in fact I don’t remember the last time, it’s been so long.

Anyway the point is…the point is. The thing I’m really getting from this is I’m finally ready to shake off the shackles of childhood and childish behaviour and become the adult I know I can be. Losing weight for me is about finally growing up.

I’ve been rereading “The 9 Truths about Weight Loss” by D S Kirschenbaum. I write ‘rereading’ as it’s true, the first time, last year or the year before, I didn’t get it. I read it, understood it all but didn’t get it, I still thought my old way of thinking would work.

Well this time I get it, I really do. I understand that this time I just need to get over it, ‘it’ being that I can’t eat like a normal person. It’s funny because I understand this on all other levels of life: I’m a mum and I know I can’t sleep in, I can’t go out late at night, a quick trip to the shops involves babies and children and prams and all sorts of paraphernalia, we’re not filthy rich so I can’t shop at Dior and I don’t have a green thumb so it’s not a huge disappointment to me that my garden is neat but not stunning. So why so long to accept that I can’t eat copious amounts of chocolate and KFC whenever I want?

Why is food, particularly sugar (hence the title) such a road block for me? Why do I turn almost like a robot towards chocolate when stressed?

Case in point, two days ago I got serious about my eating and decided to accept my fate. Yesterday I was stressed and ate huge amounts of chocolate. Thankfully today I’ve adjusted my points and for today and tomorrow so yesterdays slip up doesn’t really hurt me.

Normally I would have continued eating chocolate till I’d gained another kilo. But today I’ve owned it and accounted for it.