Big and Beautiful

I went to the gym Monday and again today.  A while back someone (I think it may have been Collette, Swizzle, or Barbie) mentioned  a Couch-to-5k running program. The idea is that it utilizes intervals to build up to being able to run 5k.  So, I thought i’d give it a try, only going to the gym instead of the 3 mile walking path that’s here in the town.  Mainly because when I’m on the walking path is that there’s no turning back. It just makes a big loop, around a lake, so once you get so far you’re really stuck.  I’m always afraid to push it too hard because in the back of my mind there’s the, “If you get too tired, you’re stuck, you’re still going to have to finish”.  So, I’ve gone to the gym and it’s been a bit dismal.  The program gives you the option of going for time or distance, and I’ve been aiming for time.  So, for the first 5 minutes I do a warm-up walk, then do 5 minutes of stretching, amd then alternate 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes.  Well, the first day I ended up walking the last 5 minutes of the 20 and was about ready to fall dead.  Today, after ten minutes, I went to alternating 2 minutes of walking with a minute of running, and while I made it the full 20 minutes, I wasn’t sure if I had the energy to walk out to my car (which of course, I did.)

There were a lot of people there today, which made me remember why I hate going to the gym.  All the people there are FIT.  It makes me feel so self-conscious and like I shouldn’t be there.  Or if I’m there, I should be at the same level as everyone else.  The entire time there was this underlying embarrassment about the way I look, the way I ran, and how much.  But I suppose I’ll get over it. 

Breathe in…breathe out.  Breath in…Breath out.

 I think I can finally slow down for a week or so.  I hate out it seems as if everything happens at once.

Well, I really have no updates for you.  I forgot to weigh in at the beginning of last week and then Tom came for a visit, and I never weigh-in during that time.

I’ve really found that the best way of staying on-course while busy is to plan ahead.  I knew that I was going to be busy for a while, so early on in the week I fixed some meals that I knew would result in left overs.  Unfortunately, I didn’t plan for the second insane week and ran out of leftovers and kept forgetting to take stuff out of the freezer. So, the result was that I ate out more than I should have, but I think I made decent choices, in terms of meals.  Unfortunately, snacking got out of control as did my sweets intake (last week I had a strawberry ice cream crepe, baklava, angel food cake, a chocolate shake, and lots of candy.  Gonna be paying for that, probably).  I really want to blame hormones, is that acceptable? Actually, in all honesty, what probably triggered it was fatigue.  I had been going non-stop for so many days that I was just getting to a point where I was doing anything for a little extra burst of energy.  I’m not old, but I don’t feel as resilient as I did as an undergrad. If I don’t get my eight hours of sleep, then I’m just a goner.  I used to go on 3 and 4 on a regular basis due to irregular work hours.

My exercising has fallen short lately as well.  My supervisor is getting more demanding, so I’ve had to give up a couple of my free mornings to go to campus early and deal with lab stuff. And then last week, I had a chest cold that resulted in my having a hard time walking up one flight of stairs, let alone do a 30-40 minute pilates workout.  Speaking of, I read an article that said that pilates really do nothing (meant to save a link, but forgot). Bummer.  Guess I’m going to have to find some shower shoes and actually go to the gym before class.  That just really demotivates me. I hate the gym.

I’ve been so busy that it never really sunk in that I’m in a new “century”…. I think part of that may be that it’s only by 3 pounds, and I fluctuate 5 any given day, so there’s this block in my mind that is telling me it’s artificial. Of course, after last week, it’s probably a goner.

How have I stayed on track (mostly) while being so busy?  Here’s just somethigns i try and do:

1. Plan ahead.  Know what night’s I’m going to be suseptable to eating out, and make sure I have something in the fridge for that night.

2. Take sack lunches, or avoid the fried foods at the school’s cafeteria. They actually offer a decent salad that I go to most of the time.

3. Don’t skimp on sleep.  This may soon have to go by the way side, but I honestly beleive that one of my triggers is fatigue, and I unconsciously eat to try and keep myself awake (it’s a bad habit that started when I went away for college; I would eat in the car between school and home to keep myself alert).

 Speaking of sleep, I’m heading there.  Have a good night all.

I have been so incredibly busy, it’s unfathamable.   While I haven’t been blogging, I havn’t been too bad with my food intake.    When I weighed in on Monday I had lost 3 pounds from my last lowest (202.5 –> 199.5), so I am officially below 200, which I havn’t been at since at least 16! 

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words!  I was really beyond frustration!

Well, I need to get back to work.  Hopefully things will slow down soon!

These past couple of days have been hard, but I’ll get to that in a moment, after I talk about my weekend.

 First of all, foodwise, it was probably the best weekend I”ve had in a long time. The meeting at Braum’s?  All I had was a diet Cherry Limeade.  That was my “treat.”  I ignored everyone around me with the icecream, and really, wasn’t all that tempted.

Saturday, I wanted Chinese for dinner, but the only Chinese restaurant that was open was a buffet. So, I get a buffet to go, and because I wanted to get my money’s worth, I filled it full with noodles, rice, garlic and teriyaki chicken, broccoli beef, green beans and mushrooms.  Disaster waiting to happen, right?  Well, when I get home, rather than eating directly out of the to go container, I put just a little bit of each on the place, and put the rest in the refridgerator.  I ended up not eating all that I put on my plate and felt ok, because as I told myself, “There’s more in the fridge that you’ll be able to eat.” 

Sunday, for lunch (since I overslept breakfast), I take out a small plate (ok, I guess it’s technically a saucer) and repeat the procedure from Saturday.  There’s still Chinese in the refridgerator.  Super Bowl party?  Ok, so maybe there wasn’t the healthiest snacks available, but I really don’t feel like I over did it.  I took just little bits at a time, and wouldn’t let myself go back to the table more than once a quarter.  If I felt like I wanted more to eat, I refilled my water glass instead. Yes, I even refrained from the empty-calorie beer.  (Ok, so it was bad beer)

This is where it gets ugly.  I mentioned Thursday that the scale was indicated that I might be able to record a loss.  When I said loss, I mean LOSS.  Starting Wednesday, it said 198 (which was a loss of 4 pounds), then Friday and Saturday is was 196, and Sunday 198.  I was THRILLED. That would be the least I’ve weighed since I was at least 16 (I’m 24 now).  But then, when I go to “weigh-in” on Monday… 203.  Not only was that not a loss, it was a gain from last Monday.  I felt absoluately deflated. What did I do wrong?  I tried attributing it to possible muscle gain from my step pilates, so I dug out my tape measure - gain 2 inches.  I felt like crying, but instead ate breakfast, did my exercise, then went to class.

But, when I looked in the mirror, while stepping into the shower after my workout, I felt like crying again.  For the first time in my life, I actually “saw” that I was fat…  I know that sounds weird - I’ve always know that I am medically obese, but I’ve never felt it and I’ve never actually seen it myself - that’s just always who I’ve been, what’s normal for me.  But when I looked in the mirror, I looked fat to myself. I saw how disproportionate I am, how much my rear sticks out from the rest of me, how…. I don’t know how to describe it.. Non-linear? I am.  I just wanted to curl up and sleep forever.

I’ve tried to get over it today. I know that it’s really not as bad as it seemed, I was just disappointed over not getting to record a loss.  For breakfast, I ate a one egg omelet with milk and mushrooms. Lunch was a turkey wrap, strawberries, cantaloupe, and banana break, and dinner was a roasted chicken (I took the skin off before eating it), potatoes, and salad.  I WILL lose the weight, but it won’t always be easy.