Big and Beautiful

Ok, so I didn’t update on Monday because I decided that by weighing in on Mondays, after weekends of stuff I don’t normally eat (that is usually higher in sodium because it came from a restaurant), I’m sabataging myself.  So instead, I’m going to start weighing in on Wednesdays, to give weekend intake time to settle in (or out) and before it repeats.

 So, here it is: 195.5.  This refects a loss of 3 pounds! Woohoo!  The running really seems to be helping. That said..

 I’ve skipped. :-(  On Monday, I overslept (instead of giving myself 15 extra minutes after the alarm went off, I set the clock ahead fifteen minutes and then didn’t wake up for another two hours), and then this morning I just got distracted… But I WILL make time by Friday. 

I went to the gym Monday and again today.  A while back someone (I think it may have been Collette, Swizzle, or Barbie) mentioned  a Couch-to-5k running program. The idea is that it utilizes intervals to build up to being able to run 5k.  So, I thought i’d give it a try, only going to the gym instead of the 3 mile walking path that’s here in the town.  Mainly because when I’m on the walking path is that there’s no turning back. It just makes a big loop, around a lake, so once you get so far you’re really stuck.  I’m always afraid to push it too hard because in the back of my mind there’s the, “If you get too tired, you’re stuck, you’re still going to have to finish”.  So, I’ve gone to the gym and it’s been a bit dismal.  The program gives you the option of going for time or distance, and I’ve been aiming for time.  So, for the first 5 minutes I do a warm-up walk, then do 5 minutes of stretching, amd then alternate 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes.  Well, the first day I ended up walking the last 5 minutes of the 20 and was about ready to fall dead.  Today, after ten minutes, I went to alternating 2 minutes of walking with a minute of running, and while I made it the full 20 minutes, I wasn’t sure if I had the energy to walk out to my car (which of course, I did.)

There were a lot of people there today, which made me remember why I hate going to the gym.  All the people there are FIT.  It makes me feel so self-conscious and like I shouldn’t be there.  Or if I’m there, I should be at the same level as everyone else.  The entire time there was this underlying embarrassment about the way I look, the way I ran, and how much.  But I suppose I’ll get over it. 

Breathe in…breathe out.  Breath in…Breath out.

 I think I can finally slow down for a week or so.  I hate out it seems as if everything happens at once.

Well, I really have no updates for you.  I forgot to weigh in at the beginning of last week and then Tom came for a visit, and I never weigh-in during that time.

I’ve really found that the best way of staying on-course while busy is to plan ahead.  I knew that I was going to be busy for a while, so early on in the week I fixed some meals that I knew would result in left overs.  Unfortunately, I didn’t plan for the second insane week and ran out of leftovers and kept forgetting to take stuff out of the freezer. So, the result was that I ate out more than I should have, but I think I made decent choices, in terms of meals.  Unfortunately, snacking got out of control as did my sweets intake (last week I had a strawberry ice cream crepe, baklava, angel food cake, a chocolate shake, and lots of candy.  Gonna be paying for that, probably).  I really want to blame hormones, is that acceptable? Actually, in all honesty, what probably triggered it was fatigue.  I had been going non-stop for so many days that I was just getting to a point where I was doing anything for a little extra burst of energy.  I’m not old, but I don’t feel as resilient as I did as an undergrad. If I don’t get my eight hours of sleep, then I’m just a goner.  I used to go on 3 and 4 on a regular basis due to irregular work hours.

My exercising has fallen short lately as well.  My supervisor is getting more demanding, so I’ve had to give up a couple of my free mornings to go to campus early and deal with lab stuff. And then last week, I had a chest cold that resulted in my having a hard time walking up one flight of stairs, let alone do a 30-40 minute pilates workout.  Speaking of, I read an article that said that pilates really do nothing (meant to save a link, but forgot). Bummer.  Guess I’m going to have to find some shower shoes and actually go to the gym before class.  That just really demotivates me. I hate the gym.

I’ve been so busy that it never really sunk in that I’m in a new “century”…. I think part of that may be that it’s only by 3 pounds, and I fluctuate 5 any given day, so there’s this block in my mind that is telling me it’s artificial. Of course, after last week, it’s probably a goner.

How have I stayed on track (mostly) while being so busy?  Here’s just somethigns i try and do:

1. Plan ahead.  Know what night’s I’m going to be suseptable to eating out, and make sure I have something in the fridge for that night.

2. Take sack lunches, or avoid the fried foods at the school’s cafeteria. They actually offer a decent salad that I go to most of the time.

3. Don’t skimp on sleep.  This may soon have to go by the way side, but I honestly beleive that one of my triggers is fatigue, and I unconsciously eat to try and keep myself awake (it’s a bad habit that started when I went away for college; I would eat in the car between school and home to keep myself alert).

 Speaking of sleep, I’m heading there.  Have a good night all.

I have been so incredibly busy, it’s unfathamable.   While I haven’t been blogging, I havn’t been too bad with my food intake.    When I weighed in on Monday I had lost 3 pounds from my last lowest (202.5 –> 199.5), so I am officially below 200, which I havn’t been at since at least 16! 

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words!  I was really beyond frustration!

Well, I need to get back to work.  Hopefully things will slow down soon!

These past couple of days have been hard, but I’ll get to that in a moment, after I talk about my weekend.

 First of all, foodwise, it was probably the best weekend I”ve had in a long time. The meeting at Braum’s?  All I had was a diet Cherry Limeade.  That was my “treat.”  I ignored everyone around me with the icecream, and really, wasn’t all that tempted.

Saturday, I wanted Chinese for dinner, but the only Chinese restaurant that was open was a buffet. So, I get a buffet to go, and because I wanted to get my money’s worth, I filled it full with noodles, rice, garlic and teriyaki chicken, broccoli beef, green beans and mushrooms.  Disaster waiting to happen, right?  Well, when I get home, rather than eating directly out of the to go container, I put just a little bit of each on the place, and put the rest in the refridgerator.  I ended up not eating all that I put on my plate and felt ok, because as I told myself, “There’s more in the fridge that you’ll be able to eat.” 

Sunday, for lunch (since I overslept breakfast), I take out a small plate (ok, I guess it’s technically a saucer) and repeat the procedure from Saturday.  There’s still Chinese in the refridgerator.  Super Bowl party?  Ok, so maybe there wasn’t the healthiest snacks available, but I really don’t feel like I over did it.  I took just little bits at a time, and wouldn’t let myself go back to the table more than once a quarter.  If I felt like I wanted more to eat, I refilled my water glass instead. Yes, I even refrained from the empty-calorie beer.  (Ok, so it was bad beer)

This is where it gets ugly.  I mentioned Thursday that the scale was indicated that I might be able to record a loss.  When I said loss, I mean LOSS.  Starting Wednesday, it said 198 (which was a loss of 4 pounds), then Friday and Saturday is was 196, and Sunday 198.  I was THRILLED. That would be the least I’ve weighed since I was at least 16 (I’m 24 now).  But then, when I go to “weigh-in” on Monday… 203.  Not only was that not a loss, it was a gain from last Monday.  I felt absoluately deflated. What did I do wrong?  I tried attributing it to possible muscle gain from my step pilates, so I dug out my tape measure - gain 2 inches.  I felt like crying, but instead ate breakfast, did my exercise, then went to class.

But, when I looked in the mirror, while stepping into the shower after my workout, I felt like crying again.  For the first time in my life, I actually “saw” that I was fat…  I know that sounds weird - I’ve always know that I am medically obese, but I’ve never felt it and I’ve never actually seen it myself - that’s just always who I’ve been, what’s normal for me.  But when I looked in the mirror, I looked fat to myself. I saw how disproportionate I am, how much my rear sticks out from the rest of me, how…. I don’t know how to describe it.. Non-linear? I am.  I just wanted to curl up and sleep forever.

I’ve tried to get over it today. I know that it’s really not as bad as it seemed, I was just disappointed over not getting to record a loss.  For breakfast, I ate a one egg omelet with milk and mushrooms. Lunch was a turkey wrap, strawberries, cantaloupe, and banana break, and dinner was a roasted chicken (I took the skin off before eating it), potatoes, and salad.  I WILL lose the weight, but it won’t always be easy. 

So I stepped on the scale this morning, and it suggested that I may be able to record a loss on Monday… Here’s to hoping I don’t screw it up this weekend!

 Breakfast: Ok, honest, I made my breakfast and then had to go to campus to help someone finish an assignment that’s due today. Well, it got left in the car so it ended up not getting eaten.  I usually don’t skip breakfast, so I was a little surprised when lunch rolled around and that was actually when it first occured to me that I didn’t have my smoothie.

Lunch: My classmates and I went to the burger place that is in the building next door.  I ended up with a grilled chicken sandwhich and salad bar.

Dinner: I had left over Taco meat, so I ate two tacos (with lettuce, tomato, and cheese), then a bean burrito (with the same toppings) smothered in cheese sauce (Don’t worry! It was low fat cheese sauce.)

Tomorrow is going to be a little bit more difficult.  I have a meeting an hour away right at the time I usually eat dinner, and it’s at Braum’s.  If you’re not familiar with this chain, they have THE BEST icecream in the world… I think I’m going to pack a sandwhich and some fruit to take with me in the car, and eat it when I’m about halfway there so that I’m really not hungry by the time I arrive.  I’ll just keep telling myself that because there’s one within walking distance to my apartment (seriously, it’s less than a quarter of a mile from my apartment, I can see it out my front window), it’s nothing special therefore no excuses. 

Just a warning - you may learn a little bit more about me than you ever wanted to.

 I’ve always been a bit of a prude, and because of this I HATE lingerie shopping, though it be a necessary evil.  Fortunately, everyonce in a while my mom passes a Penny’s box my way and says, “here’s some underclothes I ordered for you.” (Ok, yes, I’m 24 I really should be doing that myself, but I’m just too cheap, and have I said I hate lingerie shopping?) I think part of this is a self-image issue…. a lot of people use panties and bras to make themselves look and feel sexy, and I can just hear people think as they walk past me, “What’s she looking at that for? Nothing she can wear will make her look good.”

Well, tonight I wanted to procrastinate writing a paper, so I go to Wal-Mart and where do I end up? The lingerie department.  Well… they had some nighties that were silky and felt really good (I’ve always been a sucker for silky things, my pillow cases all growing up were made of the stuff). They had them in pj’s (which is normally what I wear), long night gowns and short night gowns.  I’ve actually been feeling good about myself lately, noticing places where I think the fat is disappearing (like my waist and my butt [thank god!]) and I guess this helped possess me to buy one of the long nighties. Only I bought it in a size too small - on purpose.  I figured I could hang it in my closet, and that way when I finally get down to that weight, I could really feel good about myself.  LIke I said, this may seem a little silly, but I havn’t owned any sexy clothes ever in my life, period. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend (ok, I’ll admit the only boyfriend I’ve ever had lived four hours away and he asked me in a letter if I’d be his girlfriend… then I didn’t hear from him again for the next 2 or 3 years).

Well, where this is going is that I went ahead and put it on when I got home, ya know, just for kicks (since I wasn’t expecting it to fit). What dya know?  It actually didn’t look half bad.  It’s a little tighter than I normally wear my clothes, but I’m guilty of baggy clothes.  I still put it in the back of my closet, and am going to wait a little longer to actually wear it, since the whole purpose of buying it was for a little motivation. I figured I’d save it for my 180-goal reward. 

 I still need something for 200 though.

Breakfast:  scrambled egg, orange, toast, glass of milk

Activity: 40 minute low-impact cardio.  This is one of the routines on my step exercise DVD, and it actually just referred to it as “Low Impact Step,” so I decided I woudl do it for variety thinking it woudl be equivalent the normal but, but wow.  I was tired at the end of it. I was thinking that I would add an extra day, but I think this was worth two days of the other.

Lunch: Ham salad sandwhich

Dinner: Hamburger, greek salad.

Man, I hate my Tuesdays.  They’re already booked with class from 10:30-11:45, a meeting from 12:30 - 1:30, class again at 2:00 - 3:20, 3:30 - 5:20, then I teach 5:30-7:30.  By the time I get home, I just want to crash.  Good news though - even though I didn’t pack my lunch, I think I made some great lunch choices. 

Breakfast: Cereal, orange

Lunch: turkey wrap with pepper jack cheese

             strawberries, cantaloupe, and a muffin (it’s prepackaged by the snack shop this way).

Dinner: Left over steak (4 oz), cheesy mash potatoes, and mixed veggies.

There was somethign I was going to rant about, but in my current exhausted state (I actually woke up 2 hours early to try and get some work done. Didn’t work) I can’t seem to remember what it was though.  Maybe later.

Down half a pound, and I’ve lost half an inch on my waist.  I should be happier about that, but for some reason I’m not.

Breakfast: 1/4 of a 6 inch Subway breakfast sub.

Lunch: Salad with a little bit of italian dressing, ham salad sandwhich

Dinner: Salad with peanut dressing, asian noodles with spicey peanut sauce, couple ounces of steak. 

Ok, the steak wasn’t originally in my menu for today, but after I finished making the noodle thing, it really didn’t taste all that good, so I ended up eating only a fourth of it.  I was still a little hungry, so I cut a small piece off of my left-over steak and ate it. 

I also did a half hour of step pilates after breakfast.  I’m always clueless about whether I should eat breakfast then do my exercise, or exercise first.  I usually end up eating breakfast first because I know if I wait I’ll just be hungrier and more likely to eat more. 

As for my 4 ounces of meat… According to http://www.mypyramid.com , a typical diet for someone of my height trying to lose weight should only have 5 ounces of meat and beans a day.  I reserve one ounce for an egg in the morning or sandwhich at lunch.    BTW: Thanks for the suggestions to freeze the steaks.  That didn’t even really occur to me that I could do that with cooked steak. 

 I really should be writing a paper about sustainability, but I don’t want to, so here’s my rant on Biggest Loser -

The people on that show are insane!  I only saw one episode, so maybe I shouldn’t be judging, but I saw the part where they were weighing in and I was flabbergasted at what I was hearing (and seeing).  The guys were down like 15-20 pounds from the previous week (or that was the impression I gotted) and the gals routinely down 10 or so. Comeon, how healthy can that be? I know they’re supposedly under the supervision of professionals, but how much are these “professionals” getting paid to say these people are safe?  And then, are they really learning anythign about real-world loss and maintenance?  There was this one gal who lost “only” 3 pounds, and she was in tears saying that that was really unexpected and she tried really hard ot lose more. And everyone else was talking about how disappointed they were.  I just wanted to hug her and tell her what a great job she’d done.  I’ve been stuck at the same weight for about two months - I woudl love to lose 3 pounds in a single week!

What also concerns me is the message that this show is sending to the rest of the world.  Sad as it is, there’s a lot of people out there who take these reality shows to be just that - real. So what must some of these people think who watch the show, see these people exercising, eating (do they? I didn’t see that much), and getting these incredible results?  It may really set people up for failure.  They may not realize until they go out to do it themselves how hard it is.  The idea of the show - getting people to lose weight and get healthy - in and of itself isn’t necessarily bad, but I don’t think they show the process in a reasonable light.