High Maintenance

Maintaining is not going well for me.  I have completed a full WW week without a blow-out splurg in about 6 weeks.  Mainly I eat cookies at work and ruin my hard work all day.  I do understand that I am eating them because my work at the shelter has been really intense lately - however, the knowledge is not really helping.

Today the scale read 150.  I really can’t believe it. I am officially gaining lots of weight. I am sad. I guess I will regroup and get back to it.

  Today it has been one year since I started the weight watchers program to lose weight.  I started at 191 and this morning I weighed 145.5.  At my lowest I was 136.  My body shape has completely changed and I am currently about the same size as I was when I got married 15 years ago!

I have struggled with such a drastic body image change and finally feel comfortable in this new, non-invisible place.  It has changed my relationships and I have seen 5 people who are close to me  start using the points program in 2008.  This is suprising to me because I hardly even mention weight loss in conversation (shy away from it actually) - and really only talk about WW when asked directly.

I just got back from 7 days of camping with my 3 kids and dog for Spring Break.  We visited New Mexico and stayed in Arizona.  It was a great adventure and re-connect with the kids — but I seriously thought I had gained 10 pounds!  Fortunately,  I am only at 145.5.  Hooray!

Maitenance is turning out to be as much a challenge as the weight loss.  My goal this year is to get back into the 130’s and stay there. 

Anyway, it has been a life-changing year. Thank you to all of you who have been supportive.

OK - the good news is that I am down a pound from last week.  Most of my holdiday weight gain is off. (I love youFLEX POINTS.)

The bad news is that I continue to struggle with the phatom fat phenonmenon.  Yesterday I was looking for pants - because I only have 3 pair that are suitable for work and I have to work 4 days a week.  So, I took my gift card and went to Kohl’s.  After scouring the sales racks - I tried on an arm load of size 10 pants - mainly because the size 8’s looked way too small.  Turns out - the 10’s were too big and I wasted all that time!  The three pair that fit me now are all size 8 = and still - I just couldn’t seem to pull a size 8 off the rack - look at it - and say - “Yes, that looks right, I’ll try it on.”  What is wrong with me??

Here’s my food log.  I went to the Asian market in Denver on Saturday and had fun with the veggies yesterday:

OK - I’ve decided on my new blog title: High Maintenance.  As a person, this doesn’t really describe me - I am actually easy going and flexible.  However, maintaining my weightloss is no picnic, I continute to battle my binging demons, resist cookies, and struggle to stay focused on healthy food choices.  Hence the title.

Other good news: the vet has no idea about what is wrong with my dog now - however, the shot of steriods has her wagging her tail for the first time in almost two months.  She walked to the end of the block today!  I have hope.

Yesterday I signed up at Sparkpeople.com - its seems like an interesting website and I like the recipe builder function.  As I was looking on it today, I stumbled on the waist-to-hip ratio calculator.  Based on my measurements I am an apple shape with a high health risk.  My problem with this is that I don’t know whether the formula takes into account that I have lots of extra skin left over from 3 babies and a lot of extra weight that once stretched out my middle.  Cripes - the stretch marks alone give an 3-D affect!  So - is there a way to account for this? I am sure there is waist ‘fat’ in there somewhere - but how much - I don’t know?

Happily, I just finished my first “on-point” week in about a month, maybe longer.  Last week I was at 140.5 and today I am at 138.5.  My goal weight is/was 135 - but at 140 I don’t look as ‘deflated’ - however, I don’t want to creep up to 145 - so I have decided that a few pounds either side of 135 is my comfort zone. 

I guess I am officially trying to maintain now.  I like being at size 8-10 (never really thought I would fit into this size - because I had never before.) I still struggle with binge eating - especially at work - but I keep working at it. I still get comments on how much weight I lost (I was 191 last March) - but that is tapering down a little.  The caddy - girl comments are down, too - although it has adversely impacted some of my relationships. 

Lastly, I think I am going to change the name of my blog to reflect the long-term, maintainence journey. Not sure what yet…. 

10 New Body Realities  - For Better and Worse:

1. Pants often sags off by backside
2. I get cold
3. Clothes off the rack actually fit
4. I have lots of extra skin
5. My stomache hurts when I eat too much
6. I am not invisible to passer-bys
7. I have become the diet go-to-girl, friends often feel compelled to apologize for their weight loss failures, and I am tired of sharing “my story”
8.  I am very worried I will gain it all back
9. I do not get as much joy from going out to eat or to dinner parties because I feel like I need to be vigilante - and at least, aware of what I consume.
10. I have a sense of personal strength that has come from changing my body shape in a very fundemental way. I am in charge of the direction of my life.

Well, the good news is that I am still under 140 despite my eating choices.  Plus, I went to the store and got some of my favorite ’stay on track’ foods and feel like I am stocked to weather the next couple of weeks.  The holiday gift-buying pressure is really getting to me,  but happily, there is only a week left!!

Here’s a brief run down of yesterday’s menu:

coffee& cream -2
malto meal w/ff milk 3
popcorn 1
light english muffin, laughing cow cheese, veggie
  burger, and sprouts 3
1 cup of butternut squash 1
apple 1
pumpkin soup 2
chicken breast on salad w/1 tsp olive oil 5
yogurt w/1 cup fiber one 3

total = 21 

30 min mod/high treadmill at rec center +2

My bad week has continued ~ probably because I am not such a ‘Holiday Spirit’ sort of gal.  I make a good effort - but the bottom line is that I don’t have the money, always feel obligated/inadequate with gifts, over schedule every last minute in December and now… my dog is still on the mend so I haven’t even been walking.  Plus, my fridge and pantry are empty of the good point wise foods , my husband is crabby…………

Food wise - some hours are good - even some half days - but then at work- it all seems to crumble.  THere just seems to be too much junk around and that iron-discipline I enjoyed over the summer and into the fall is crumbling.  I feel like I could rev it back up- but I don’t have the energy.

I am up to 140 this morning - which might be a little high because of TOM- but at leat 139.5.  I would like to stay in the 130’s while I wait out the holidays.  Maybe I’ll go to the store and stock up on yogurt, fiber and veggies ~ something.  Of course, squishing that into my jam packed day already gives me a headache…

Sorry for the rant. It’s 6:30am - better finish up my cobbler for the pot luck.

Well - between the binges at work, the no walking because my dog had surgery and it is too depressing to go without her, and the stomach flu that has seeped into the week-end - this week is pretty much shot.  I hope I can just maintain…

Wow- there has been lots of spam lately! It’s a good thing Roni has the moderation function on!  It’s so disappointing to download email - thinking it is a comment (!!) and then it is another lousy spam-bot thing.

It occurred to me yesterday, as I was driving around (read:chauffering children) that I could solve my budgeting ineptness the same way I have controlled my little over-eating “issue”: the points method.  I can give myself a weekly amount of points (i.e. dollars) and then subtract them out food-log-journal-fashion.  My guess is that writing down everything will be as effective in itself as writing down everything I eat.  It is about accountability and awareness –> exactly what I need for money!

Lastly, here’s my food log from yesterday using Roni’s new food log builder — I like it, however, if you make a mistake - wait until you add it to your blog’s “write” page to fix it. I thought I did great yesterday until I realized that I forgot to write down my cereal and milk for breakfast… oh well… only 2 points over and I have lots of extra points available.