Lord help me going to an Italian restaurant and sitting at the bar. Lord help me for ordering the pesto pasta AFTER i’d had a delicious fizzy sweet drink called an Orange Crush. Lord help me for eating the little loaf of bread and the butter. Lord help me for being the youngest least jaded looking thing there and every darn old man buying me a drink. Weakness.:….I cannot turn down a drink. I drag myself to the treadmill at 9am (which is huge for me!!!!) and don’t look at the cookies in the cafeteria (also huge!) but….a night on the town, alone in a big city for a night, right across the street from my hotel, darnit, I probably put on 20 pounds last night. ha. god and now it’s back to the airport, I’m glad to be getting back to salt lake to get back into the swing of things.

Goal: I’d like to get better at making good choices when I’m travellin. Because I do try but I don’t try too well and I don’t think i go about it the right way. Arrrg!!!!

Washington by the way…GORGEOUS. I visited evergreen, much more of a workout than I expected (hooray !)!! I must of been booking it through those woods for hours with all thesecrazy kids I met. Plus the room I stayed in was on the 10th floor and I took the stairs every time…got me panting like a slob every time too lol. I also got a great workout today walked about 20 seattle blocks all nice and brisk it was fab Okay but down to the dirty…….the vacation indulgences i’ve tallied since yesterday afternoon!

-far far too many spankinopita at the scholarship reception. deeelish! except i ate about a million. ha

-Red Machine naked juice. mmmm

-rocky road cluster from Rocky Mountain choclate factory

-Bagel with cream cheese

and I’m about to go out across the street and have something to nosh on and most likely a Pyramid, yummy!

So in conclusion. The past 2 days I’ve probably gone up a pound or so BUT I haven’t been sitting on my arse, i’ve been getting out and about especially yesterday! Plus I’ve had a super great trip. and I’ve been using a bit of self tanner and I must say my legs are looking perty happy to me

I needed to wake up though I have soo much to do today and a 1:40 flight to Seattle to visit evergreen college in Olympia. I’m so darn exhausted.

Okay and have I ever mentioned, I’m TERIBLE at packing, I’m trying to pack for 2 nights and i have a big huge pile of clothes set out already…??!!??!

Last night I went a bit stir-crazy and was so fed up with dorm cafeteria food that i went out grocery shopping and cooked up a storm at my good friend’s house. it was delicious, not neccesserily low cal but healthy andsooo good. I amgoing to posta recipe when I get a minute.

In other news I Want Baskin Robbins. I Want Baskin Robbins. I want a milkshake or some terribly fatty chocolatly icecream.

I did get up this morning and exercise and it was awesome. But I haven’t felt right all day…I haven’t eaten anything today and I do know that I should but it’s snowing outside and I am all down and I dont want to get out of bed and walk down to the cafeteria and I don’t even know what I’d like to eat except ice cream. I hate letting that asshole affect how my day is going ..but I cant help but feeling chewed up and spit out and it’s not my favorite feeling.

My window faces his building’s side door and he just walked out of of it. It is way weird to see that.

I am desperately craving a cigarette and a rocky road milkshake…

I think I will feel better if I get on the treadmill for a bit and run it out of my system.or take a walk in the snowy cold disgustingness with my girl Alex and be reasured that he is indeedy a kniving cuntwaffle

I got my heart broke yesterday>I’ve been in a serious relationship with a guy named Chris and I was planning to stay in Utah over the summer to be with him. Yesterday I met the other girl he is dating. you read properly THE OTHER GIRL HE IS/WAS DATING. Who he has been seeing even before he began to see me. Who lives in the dorm building NEXT DOOR to mine. Who he has been seeing as I am sleeping in his bed almost every evening and he professing his love to my dumb ass?! And to top it……he’s having a baby and didn’t breathe a word to either of us. Thank lord she was sweet as could be and we marched on up to his room and knocked on the door and the look on his face, it was one for the cameras….and he split. Need-less to say neither of us are quite dumb or desperate enough to give his loser self another look. Chelsea her name is, she is completely wonderful and we’ve exchanged phone numbers but that rat bastard.

I did overeat yesterday but the nice thing is, I didn’t go NUTS.

salad (plain w/ no dressing or cheese), apple, 1 slice of pizza

salad (plain w/ no dressing and a sprinkle of cheese), banana, cheese quesadilla

MILK SHAKE about 8-10 oz. arrrg

medium caramel macchiato

So..I didn’t do well but I didn’t eat my feelings, not all of them anyway. AND I just went to the gym. In the morning. Hooray!!

I did indulge in some other indulgences yesterday….namely a mani-pedi with my best girlfriend and a couple minutes in the tanning bed for a shot of vitamin D (side note, I’ve been in a tanning bed maybe half a dozen times in my life and it doesn’t get me too tan…. Advice to those who want to get the golden glow of tan-ness and like me tanning beds aren’t your thing..Banana Boat self-tanning lotion! my fave it works wonders.)

I am quite out of shape. About a year ago I would run like a crazed jackalope or something on the elliptical for like, 35 minutes, take a break for some exercise-ball moves & situps, and jump on that thing for another 20. It felt delicious. I’d like to get back in shape again!

This weekend on Saturday night I went to a White Trash Bash party at the SigEp frat house. Yes liquid sugary drunk-juice calories, but I danced the entire night, and something way better. My outfit for the party was a pair of teeny tiny daisy dukes, cowboy boots and a little button up plaid shirt. And I looked GREAT. Despite the fact that I was hardly wearing anything I looked way good and I absolutely knew it It was such a great feeling having that confidence despite the fact that I’ve gained 15 pounds this semester, that I can still feel I look good in a lil cute outfit, curves and all, badonkadonk booty and all etc, and know that even though I don’t look “skinny”, I feel sexy and look sexy to myself, which is the person I’m really trying to impress!

So my message from the weekend to everyone is, go for it and be bold with your clothes ! Wear the things you don’t think you can *wear yet* (that is my own personal thing I say when I’m holding out on a cute outfit) If you feel good in it PLEASE I’m begging you, go out in it. Even if you’ve just been dancing around in front of the mirror to it thinkin about what it would look like after you lose a few more pounds or after you tone some more…… Just go for it. Go on a walk in the sun, go out to dinner with some friends, you look good! And it will make you feel great to do it! Sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the clothes for while you’re losing weight because it’s way expensive to go out and buy a new wardrobe every time you go down a but hey, you can always run down to target or forever 21 and grab a cute shirt or dress that won’t be hard on your wallet and give yourself the ultimate treat, your own cute self lookin good If you’ve still got some pounds to shed it DOES NOT mean you can’t dress pretty or even sexy until you reach your target. Love your body even if it’s a work in progress!

I’m about to walk out of my dorm in a tube top and my tiny daisy dukes. I’m a size 10 curves and all! In the bright sunlight. I feel gosh darn good and nobody in this whole world can take that away from me right now.

Now I am off to Intro to Med class and hoping that I don’t have to give my presentation today as I will surely toss cookies all over my professor’s computer or something else embarssing like that so, wish me luck.

Fast forward about 3 weeks, I’m healing and feeling better, and I catch strep throat from my buddy Dylan. Strep?? I haven’t had that for years! Like breking my ribs strep also sucked. Being a poor college student in frigid goldarn Utah with no car and broken ribs I decided against goin to the health center to get proper antibiotics and made the decision to “get better on my own”. Ummm. I took about 5 days worth of antibiotics which my roommate gave to me. I don’t get any better. Another 3 weeks later I come home to PA for Spring Break and I’m still sick as a dog. my horrified parents take me to the doctor where I test positive for strep and go on Penicillin, a week later I’m back in Utah and al though my throat feels better and I’ve taken all my penicillin I still have this raging violent cough and my head is PLUGGED UP like a porn star in a ron jeremy video…..I am convinced I will never get better. I go to the student health center and start yet another course of antibiotics, clavunuate or something or other and amoxicillin,

It has been a week or so since I started taking those antibiotics and my sinuses still don’t feel that hot but my cough is worse then ever and I’ve been coughing so hard that a few times Ive puked..ewww!! For the past few days I’ve been nauseous/pukey as well apart from the coughing and sleeping all day. WEEEWWWWW I’m done with my multe paragraph pity party. CASE IN POINT I FEEL LIKE CRAP AND I AM TIRED OF BEING SICK!!!!

So I’m going in today for a pertussis test, a mono test and a chest x ray. Yikes!

All this sick stuff has really thrown me off in terms of eating proper and exercising. Sometimes when you’re sick sick sick you don’t feel like eating and you don’t even want to think about eating! Like right now for example I’m in my bed with my laptop feeling quite pukey and hoping that I finish this without barfing on my keyboard, I couldn’t even imagine eating much right now. But sometimes you just want comfort food! I lied actually i could imagine eating right now if I could cook…i could eat some whole wheat pasta with tofu-ricotta tomato sauce and spinach and … yummmm. That er made me drool a little bit. There are things that I *could* eat if I really wanted to..hash browns… etc, but I’m working my hardest to *not* want to eat them. It’s like cravings when you’re sick but it is a bit confusing because for the past 2 MONTHS I have been my sickness’s BITCH.

It’s important for me to learn that even though sometimes being really sick I want to eat chocolate til I’m sicker or drink a half bottle of vodka’s worth of screw driver’s in a night (YIKES LIQUID CALORIES) or munch out on bagels and cream cheese it’s not like when you’re sick it “doesn’t count”. Heck I think I put on at least half of the fresh 15 just in the past 2 months being sick and eating shitty because I feel shitty! And it’s not like junk food is doing too much for my health either lol.

Right now my body is saying, go down to the cafeteria and have some mashed potatoes and some fruit and you’ll feel better, screw the raw diet! My head is saying, the raw diet for a week is a goal of mine that I would really like to stay committed to and that i think should teach me something about will power, like right now! My body is counteracting with feelings of violent nausea and promises that upon mashed potatoe satisfaction it will stop it already.

So the question: do I just deal with feeling like I’m gonna vomit and eat some nuts & seeds and stick to my goal or do I listen to my body (which does lead me astray more often then not) and go eat some real food?? 

I think I’m going to go down to the cafeteria, steel myself for the slippery slope and at least grab some fruit.