Uncovering the Truth

Okay, here is my story.

I was born in the early 70’s into the hustle and bustle called life. We will talk about life frequently because it “happened” to me.. more than once.

The High School Years

I really do not remember being really aware of my weight until high school. I can recall my mother having numerous diets on the refrigerator at any given time. One week it was the Three Day Diet, the next was the Cabbage Soup Diet and then it was Slimfast. I thought they were funny and even tried out a few. I cannot remember if I was really serious but I do recall my weight fluctuating between 140-150. Oh yeah, I am 5′2″.

The College Years

I entered college wearing a size 14. I felt good about myself and was pretty much the average size among the crowd. Then along crept life. From trying to manage 18 hour semesters and eating in the cafeteria, my clothing size shot up to size 18. I did not think anything of it because, once again, I was still average sized among the population.

Life Happened

During my junior year in college, life decided to drop by and turn my world upside down. However, before I get into the details, let me give you a little more of my background.

I am a PK a.k.a. preacher’s kid. One could say that I was raised in a “controlled” environment. The friends and people I chose to surround myself with were all on the same page in life. I did not make any major mistakes growing up because the temptations simply were not there.

Growing up a PK is a different experience. I realize that we are all human and make mistakes but for some odd reason, the world expects us to be perfect. That is not fair. I breathe the same air and am doing the best I can to live an honest life but I have to be perfect?!?!?  It was always - “Tania people are watching you, you have to be careful, blah blah blah.”

In no way am I blaming my parents for my mistakes. I blame the people who allows others to make the same mistakes as PKs but they get easily forgiven while I am still trying to get over it.

Sorry had to get that out …. I am back. So once again, life happened. I made some small mistakes and some huge ones. For some reason, almost 12 years later, I cannot forgive myself. Sure it is easy to say, snap out of it, get a grip, but I was suppose to be the one who knew better, I was suppose to be the one that foresaw the temptations, wasn’t I?

While life took its toll on me, I was now a size 20. By this time I was back home paying for my mistakes. I did not stay there long, after eight months I decided to go back to school to try again.

Reloaded

So here I am, back in school, trying to forget my mistakes. I thought I would be ready but every-time I looked back, their they were … mocking me. So I went on an internship and that is where I met my husband. Okay wait, I did not physically meet him there. I met him online. It was cold where I was and I was bored. So my first and only time going online to meet people, I met him. I think he saved me from myself.  He was my needed outlet.

I went back to school after my internship but shortly after I moved to where he was. I knew he was the one, however us being in two different states was somewhat lonely. I knew that things would change, but boy I was not ready for this.

The “Southern” Years

So here I am, moving into what some would call the deep south. I was up for a new experience however what I did not anticipate was the plethora of fried, battered, gravy-filled food. By the time I looked up, I was a size 20. Whoa, this was not good. It was also not helping that my future hubby loved salt. He put salt on everything … before tasting it. Ugh!

Almost three years later we got married. However we knew that we did not want to look like we did on our wedding day so we did the Body for Life program. It was revolutionary and I credit it for my eating habits now. It re-trained us into learning about what a real portion size is and how and what to eat (6 times a day) in order to fuel your body. It also has an intensive exercise program where it rotates cardio and weight lifting days. It does not have you in the gym for longer than 45 minutes. It was really effective. So much so that within eight months, the soon to be hubby dropped 80 lbs while I got back down to a size 16. I really cannot remember how much weight I loss; wedding planning was so stressful.

The Married Years

The day after we got married, the weight loss program went out the window. Well, not really. We were sill eating our portion sizes but by this time I was back in school working two jobs and hubby was working the afternoon shift so we really did not plan our meals. Because of the difference in schedules, we were not working out together anymore and while I was determined not to go back up the scale, I simply was too tired to work out after work. Slowly but surely, I got back up to a size 20.

Got baby?

Almost four years later we decided to start planning for our son. I got off the pill so I could focus on weight loss without any outside effects. We thought it would take about a year or so to get pregnant. It took about six months. I was already down to a size 17 …. yes I said 17. 16 was too tight on me and 18 was too big, so I wore 16/18. During this time, I was on the Hollywood Trainer program by Jeanette Jenkins. I love trying new things and it definitely worked for me.

Because of slight complications, I was put on bed rest during my first trimester. I did not work out intensely after that because I was scared. I did do the prenatal yoga and prenatal aerobic exercises along with eating six healthy meals. It paid off!  About two weeks after birth, I was actually lighter than when I got pregnant. I thought that this was the best weight loss method ever! It turns out that the only weight I gained was the baby… it was almost like trading weight. My intention was not to lose weight during my pregnancy but to eat healthy. I guess the weight I was going to lose got traded with the baby and thus the weight loss.

It did not matter, I was happy!

The Depo Months

So it is time for my post-partum checkup. Since I was breastfeeding, the doctor said that my birth control methods were limited. It was either “the shot” or the ring. I said the shot. Despite all my other mistakes, this one ranked #1.5. Why? That shot screwed me up. Of course, there are side effects to any medication. I had terrible hormonal fluctuations but it was part of the package. I was still eating the same and getting use to being a mother however I was not checking my weight. I did not see any reason because I was still eating healthy and I really did not want to have added stress. I was still in my maternity clothing because … hmmm I have no idea why…. they were comfy. Anyhoo, two months later I decided to get on the scale. I gained over 30 lbs!?!?!? My hubby said it was no way. We changed the batteries, tried different scales, but the number remained the same.

Where is it? I do not see it?!!?!? I was in total shock and miserable. This shot had me climbing the walls inside. Don’t even get me started about how I had non stop bleeding for three months. Then the doctor called about coming in for my second shot … NO THANK YOU!!!

Hubby and I immediately did some research about this “shot” and was horrified. I know you may be wondering why I did not do this before but HELLO I had a six week old baby and I was trying to breastfeed. I did not have any problems with my other birth control so I took it for granted.

The Aftermath

A couple of months after wallowing over my latest mistake, we decided to take action and join the Weight Watchers at home program. I would have done the Body for Life again but with me trying to manage my new life with the little one, I did not have the time. I have heard many people talk about WW, especially new mothers who said it did not make their lives complicated so I thought, why not. I am doing the at home program because hubby travels for a living and we go with him. I knew I would not make the weigh-ins and I already spent too much time online, so that was the program for us.

So here I am starting over again. It has been a couple of months and I still feel as though I am having hormonal aftermaths of “the shot” but I have to get through it. The toddler is now 16 months and more active than ever. I have looked through the pictures we have taken thus far and I can count on one hand how many I am in.

I do not want to be “that mom” that never shows up in pictures, events or cannot even play with her son because of the lack of energy. It is time to uncover the truth about my weight. Sure some of it was a by-product of my choices, but the other part of it continues to linger. Why can’t I get it under control?? What am I afraid of???

Thus, this begins my journey into uncovering my real truth.