Uncovering the Truth

So I started off today doing well by eating steel cut oatmeal with Agave Nectar. Then hubby called later and wanted to know if I wanted him to bring lunch. I said sure. Little did I know it was the beginning of my point demise.

The lesson — look up the points before you eat! 

• Steel cut oatmeal w/ nectar = 3.4
• Roni’s zucchini lasagna = 2
• Steak n’ Shake
  • Strawberry milkshake = 15.8 ?!?!??!?!?!
  • Chicken fingers w/small fries = 11.9
• 3 peppermint patties = 3.5
• Grilled chicken breast w/ collard greens = 2
• Skinny cow ice cream = 2.7

 TOTAL = 41.3 !?!?!?! (eating out was about 28 points which is 1 from my daily allotment of 29).  Lesson learned!

Okay so this is how it will happen. Often, or not so often, I will do some peeling back the layers and uncover my truth. On these days you will notice that I may write ALOT. On other days, I might just post my food log and a couple of blurbs and that will be it. You may say on my uncoveringdays, wow … Tania has a lot to say. Hm-mm maybe, I just need to get it “out there” so that I can confront it. There are many things that I have been dying to let go of but I have not found the proper format. I believe that God led me to Weight Watchen at the right time, just when I needed it. After browsing for a couple of months, trying out her recipes (which are the bomb!), I decided that blogging would really help me unload my stuff and confront my issues. So here I am.

The first truth that I uncovered last night was that I am afraid of success. Okay not the little ones like promotions, a completed project, etc.. I am talking about life changing success. I did not realize it until my hubby told me. For instance, I started a business and before it got really successful, I stopped. No idea why, I just stopped putting the effort in. He said it was a pattern. I think he is on to something.

So why do I do this? Well if you read my story you know that I am in a unique situation. It is assumed that I will be perfect and not be allowed to make mistakes that everyone else makes. I equate making mistakes with failure. Subconsciously I will no longer allow myself to be put into positions where I could fail - thus my fear of success.

I have heard that success is failure turned inside out or is that failure is success turned inside out? Hm-mm, who knows but I have looked at both words and nothing is turned inside out! Which goes to the reason as to why if I start getting successful at certain things, people will require more from me and expect me to be perfect. So I back off and “settle down” I know, I know, no one is perfect and it is something that I project onto myself. As a matter of fact, it could be a form of self - sabotage because I cannot forgive myself for past mistakes. Therefore, here I am, in a holding pattern.

Dave Ramsey says that his life is “better than he deserves”. As I look around, I am truly a blessed women and am living better than I could imagine. My hubby allows me to stay at home while getting a degree. God has afforded us this ability and opportunity; He has shined on me. So if He can forgive me and give me a life that is “better than I deserve”, why can’t I do that for myself?

My weight is a reflection of my current state. It covers up a lot of pain, disappointment and shame. However, it is time that I start uncovering the truth and start living my best life.

It’s me Tania. It is time that I start to uncover the truth about myself. Since it is December 29th and almost 10pm at night, I do not feel like going into all the details about my weight. I will do it tomorrow. I simply cannot believe that I am putting all my “business” out here. However, it must be done. It is time for me to pull back the layers and uncover the truth about me.

Till tomorrow!