Self-Love

Yesterday I tried doing the points thing again, and while I did use about HALF of my FLEX points at Red Robin, I didn’t use them all and I kept track of ALL the food I ate and how many points and so on! It seems like such a small feat, but I’m proud that I made it through that day.

SIDE NOTE:
I know I already said that I used like half of my FLEX points at dinner, but I just wanted to tell you what on (I couldn’t believe it myself). My boyfriend and I had about 1/3 of an onion ring appetizer and then we each only ate half of our entrees. I even ordered a turkey burger, just to kind of balance things out. And THEN, when I only ate half of it, I figured…I probably only went over my points just a tad. NOPE! I just couldn’t believe the nutritional information when I was reading over it. The burger and the fries weren’t the killer…it was those onion rings. The entire order was (brace yourselves) 1256 calories! That’s insane! I mean, they were tasty, but next time I think I’ll stick with my burger.

Anywho…today is proving to be very difficult. I’m at work until 9:30 tonight and I didn’t bring even healthy snacks with me! The only thing in this office is sweet and I could SO go for some right about now! I just ate a few lifesavers, but luckily they were only 1.5 points. I know that whether or not I eat the sweets, I’m going to be starving when I get out of here. I REALLY want to save my points for a nice, healthy, hearty dinner, but it’s going to be SO hard to resist the chocolate sweets! Especially when I keep walking by them. I swear, it’s like the people that I work with did this on purpose. I work in a very secluded part of the office (it used to be a file storage room) and I only venture out into the other areas of the office when I need to pick up my filing. How is it that the little path that I walk passing by all the major candy dishes!?! Ah well…I suppose I need to learn to control my urges, right? I’m just so hungry! I’d gladly eat a chicken breast with veggies, but I don’t have the means of getting that until my man picks me up in 3 1/2 hours!

I’m hoping that even if I have the sweets, that I don’t pig out. If I have one snack snize snickers bar, it’s not going to kill me, but downing the entire sleeve of them might. I hope I can just resist it all!

Wow…that’s a lot of whining about sweets. Sorry about that! I guess you can really tell that’s where my mind is at the moment. So, as far as exercise, I haven’t done any really. I couldn’t tell you the last time I even did and that is NOT good. It’s funny (sort of)…I’ve been SO miserable about how flabby I’ve become that I don’t want to exercise. How ridiculous is that? I don’t go to a gym, I work out at home. I don’t have anyone to impress and yet the reason that I haven’t just done it is because I’m upset about how I look! How backwards is that? I suppose it’s along the same lines of, “Geez…I’m fat and unhappy…mmm…McDonalds.” I do that too. I guess I’m just a backwards kind of gal.

I want to be healthy for the sake of being healthy, I really do…so why is this so difficult? I know that I shouldn’t beat myself up for my mistakes, I should learn from them, but it’s just so tough not too! I know exactly what I need to do in order to accomplish my goal of being more healthy, yet I continue to stop at fast food joints and binge. I barely taste the food, I’m eating it in such a hurry. Partly because I don’t want anyone to see me eating it and partly because I’m eating for the sake of eating, NOT for fuel.

I don’t want to look back over this blog and see complaint after complaint, but I feel SO helpless. But at the same time, I KNOW that I’m not! I stopped at the supermarket yesterday and got some healthy food, thinking that I would eat it. Well, I had some…but I had it WITH my crappy junk food!

I think/know that part of the reason this is happening is because I haven’t been talking to God lately. I know that not everyone on this site believes in God, but I do and I know that when I’m out of touch with him, things start to fall apart. My attitude changes and I can’t seem to keep my focus. I need to keep my focus on him and the things he wants to do with my life…with me. I’m no good to him like this - constantly worrying about the way I look, constantly worrying about me. I’m being SO selfish. I know there’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, but that’s not what I’m doing. I’m obsessing over my looks and it’s starting to eat away at me!

Dear God,
Please help me with this. I know that I come to you only when things go wrong and that’s not right…I don’t want that. Please help me to not only make these healthy changes in my life, but help me get closer to you. Help me know you and what you want for my life.

I’m in such a slump right now! I’m trying to really take to heart what Roni told me and try to love myself no matter what I weigh, but it’s just not an overnight thing. I think this may take quite some time! I’m constantly thinking about my weight, no matter what. Whenever someone’s taking a picture I either avoid it or stand behind someone else. It shouldn’t be that way! I shouldn’t be missing out on things in my life just because I don’t like the way I look. I didn’t like the way I looked when I was 40 pounds lighter, so something needs to change. Otherwise, when I DO reach my goal, I still won’t be happy. And I am NOT going to work my butt off (literally…I need to lose some butt!) just to continue to hide my body and be uncomfortable. When I lose the weight, I want to enjoy my new body. Well…with this attitude, that just isn’t going to happen.

I’ll feel pretty good about the way I look sometimes, but then I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a window and I’ll realize that I don’t look good at all. I need to do what Roni did and just stand in front of a mirror and really LOOK at myself. I need to accept that this is where I’m at. This is MY body, not someone else’s, and in order for me to be happy with my NEW body, I first need to accept it as is. It’s so much easier said than done, but I know that once I do it, I’ll feel much better and I’ll be motivated to want to eat healthier so I can LIVE LONGER, not so I can fit into my skinny jeans. This needs to be about more than my outer appearance, it needs to be about my insides. If I am truly doing this so that I can honor God with my body, then it shouldn’t be about my outward appearance AT ALL.

I can do this. I’m not alone. I have the creator of the universe on my side as well as my family, friends, and you guys here. Please continue to leave your words of encouragement and I apologize when I don’t reply to then. Trust me, that doesn’t mean I just skipped over them or that I didn’t take them to heart…it just means I’m busy or forgot. Really, they’re appreciated more than you could know. They give me that added push that I need so badly.

Oh! Before I forget…I added my music myspace to my blogroll (Miss Wright). I’ve been working on writing music recently. Please be sure to check it out and if you feel like it, let me know what you think! (myspace.com/misswright7)

Okay, so things haven’t been going according to plan lately, but I received a video reply from Roni herself and I feel like she really identifies with me and with her help (not to mention my friends and family) I can look at this as more than a diet or a way to lose weight…but an actual healthy life change.

On a different note, my boyfriend found this on digg.com and I just HAD to share it with you guys! I know it definitely made a difference for me and made me feel just a little bit better about myself. Do yourself a favor and check it out! It’s bound to shock you!

http://www.fabulousmag.co.uk/diets/diet_body_survey_issue_025.php

Thanks for all your words of encouragement and support. I know that with your help I can do this once and for all!

That’s what I am and that’s how I’m going to stay if I don’t do something about this. I’m back up to where I was when I started this thing and because I’ve been stuffing my face like crazy lately, I’m afraid to get on the scale to see if I’ve gone up to a new high. I can’t stand this. I’m completely miserable and I can’t stop myself from stuffing my face. I want to be thing SO BAD! Why can’t I do this? What has changed between this time and the last? This time last year I was 20 pounds lighter and I was continuing to lose weight. Now I’m just getting fatter and fatter by the minute. I want to be able to enjoy summer and feel good about the way I look, but I just don’t feel like that’s possible anymore. I wish I could go back in time and just be thin like I was in high school. When I had no idea that I WAS thin. When I didn’t appreciate the body that I had. I’m wearing clothes now (at 180) that I wore when I was in high school (weighing in at 150). Why was I so ashamed of my body that I wore clothes that were too big for me? Now I would love to have that body and to dress it in tight clothes, but no…I’m just a big fatty who can’t get her fill of junk food.

I bought Lipozene at Walmart the other day because I wanted so badly to just lose this weight. Then I got home and researched it and apparently there really isn’t any kind of “magic” pill to help you lose weight while you stuff your face. I don’t know what I expected. I’m a pretty smart individual. I should’ve known better. But I just wanted an easy solution - a quick fix. My friend from high school is getting married in about a month and I know there will be people there that haven’t seen me since I was thin. I don’t want to be seen looking like this. I’m considering buying the 30 day shred. Apparently, you can lose up to 20 pounds in 30 days and that sounds great to me! I know that I would have to stick to the diet that it lays out for you, but I’m hoping this wedding will be enough motivation for me. The only problem with buying that is that I don’t really think I have the money for it right now. Maybe if I hadn’t wasted my money on that Lipozene crap. I just want it so badly and for some reason, I don’t have the ability to just do it! Ugh.

So here I am…fat. fat. fat. Can’t somebody help me?

I’m actually feeling okay at the moment. I haven’t been doing well AT ALL in my dieting or exercising, but yesterday I was feeling down and instead of eating, I exercised. I went for a 40 minute bike ride just to kind of clear my mind. When I got home, I did some ab work on the ball, then some weights, and then some dancing! I ended up working out for over an hour! It felt great. Now, prior to this I had the Bobby for lunch (for those of you who don’t know what a bobby is, it’s basically a thanksgiving sandwhich and it is AWFUL for you…it’s turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and mayo…i told you it was bad). So I really was feeling bad about everything at that point…my weight, my poor choices…yada yada. But after I exercised I felt motivated to eat something healthy so I had veggie chili for dinner and like 3 bottles of water! And that was the only thing I ate the rest of the day! Can you believe it!?! I sure can’t.

So…that’s it for now. I really need to head into work. I’m hoping to get in some more exercise (maybe another bike ride) this afternoon when I get back. Go me! And please keep the words of encouragement coming guys!

That’s how I’m feeling right about now. I have no idea what’s going on with me. I’m miserable looking the way that I do now and yet that’s not enough motivation for me to do something about it? What the heck? I feel like this is not my life - this is not my body. I was skinny once and I took it for granted and I ruined it by being dumb and eating crap and eating emotional. Now I feel stuck and trapped in my body I want to run and hide anytime someone has a camera out or I have to go somewhere where I haven’t been since I gained BACK the weight. I feel like gaining the weight back is MUCH worse than just gaining it in the first place. If you haven’t been following along (which I’m sure you haven’t, since I don’t think anyone even reads this blog)…I’m back up to my highest weight - 180. And if I don’t do something (and fast)…I’ll be reaching a new high. I really don’t want this…I don’t. So why ON EARTH can’t I stop myself from stuffing my fat face? I’m miserable! Help!

…what’s up with me. My motivation hasn’t come back to me since I initially lost the weight (and that was over a YEAR ago!). I’m only like 2 pounds from my starting weight, which means technically, I’ve only lost 2 pounds in over a year! What is going on with me? Why can’t I do this? I want it SO badly, I should be able to do this.

I’ve been staying active, but it hasn’t made any difference since I’m still eating like a hog. HELP!!

I was doing very well with my exercise and diet routine and then the weekend hit and I just got out of my groove. I didn’t exercise (apart from playing tag and getting winded at the park on Sunday) from Friday-Sunday, but I have to admit…I missed it! I can’t believe I’m saying that. Even the first day that I didn’t, I missed it. I just had a crazy hectic weekend. Sunday I went to a graduation part (where I resisted ALL food) and from there I went to my brother’s birthday party where I had far too MUCH to eat. I didn’t do all that horribly, but I didn’t stick to what I wanted to eat and for that, I’m disappointed.

Today I’m back on track though. I had cereal for breakfast (and only ONE serving!), a homemade healthy mini pizza for lunch with applesauce for “dessert”, and now I’m at work where I’ve had one serving of honey wheat pretzel twists, one caramel, and one rolo (I guess I’m craving caramel)…but oh my, that’s it! I need something of substance! I brought soup with me, but I’m just not in a soup mood. I’ll be fine, I just hope that I don’t go hog wild once I’m home.

I also exercised today. I went for a 45 minute walk/run and it felt awful, well…great, but awful, you know? Haha! It was so hot today and I went at the peak hour of hotness, but it definitely felt great to get outside. I had planned on going for a ride on my new bike (it’s awesome), but I still have yet to get a helmet and I’m far too clumsy to be riding without a helmet. I was SO proud of myself though because I’m not a runner AT ALL and I ran for a lot longer than I’ve been able to in the past. I’ll have to time it once I get home and let you know just HOW long it was. I know that I made it from the first chorus of the song I was listening to through the REST OF THE SONG! I was only planning to go through the second verse, but I felt like I could keep going and once I got through the second chorus, I though…hey, I can STILL keep going and so on and so forth! I was pretty winded, but that’s good right? That means I pushed myself and it’s gonna pay off.

I’m nervous to weigh in on Wednesday because of this weekend, but I’m sure if I keep this up for the next couple of days, I should have dropped at least TWO more pounds. Only time will tell on that one though…

My two-year anniversary with my boyfriend is on June 19th and I’m really hoping to see some physical changes by then. I want to look my best for our “hot date!”

I’m feeling SO great right now. I lost FOUR pounds over the past week and today was the third day I’ve exercised in a row! I took a Zumba class with a friend and it was great. I wish I had a YMCA membership, but it’s too expensive. I feel like I might be more committed if I had a membership somewhere, but hey…I’m making progress on my own. Well, that’s not completely true (about being on my own). I have support from almost everyone in my life and it’s great! My boyfriend especially…he’s so proud of the positive steps I’m taking in making this a permanent change. The past two times I’ve gone out to eat, I actually stopped eating when I was full! I know that sounds rather simple, but it’s not and I DID IT!

Well…I need to do some video work, but I just had to let you all know my great news!