Roller Coaster

Karen Koenig talks about failing forward on her blog and I think this is what I am doing.  Basically it means continuing to make mistakes but progressing anyway.  Kind of like three steps forward and two steps back?  It’s kind of reassuring to think I can make mistakes and yet still be successful.  It might be slower than I’d like but it’s far better than not moving at all.

Something else I’ve read about but didn’t know if I believed is if you eat something you don’t want, you don’t know when to stop.  I’ve been watching my eating to see if I agree and I believe this theory is true.  If I eat something just because it is there, I often don’t know when to stop.  I guess the purpose of eating at that point is so I won’t be hungry, but it’s not actually satisfying.  Another reason to think about what I want to eat and then eating it.  The other night I wanted a sandwich but started getting a bowl of cereal together because it seemed easier.  Then I realized there wasn’t any milk so I just made my sandwich.  I ate it, felt satisfied, and didn’t think about food again!  I know that if I had eaten the cereal, I probably would have eventually made and eaten the sandwich anyway. 

Okay, those are my two thoughts so far today.  I am also very excited because one of my favorite shows, Burn Notice, is coming back with new shows in July!!

 Okay, I remembered.  I was thinking about this guy that I hit and I realized that it is always my inclination to default to thinking the other person is correct and I am incorrect.  Although I backed up without looking thoroughly, I am generally a good person and would never want to hurt another human being.  But I immediately took on his bad feelings and in turn felt terrible about myself, then punishing myself but wanting to stuff my body with bad things.  Some people automatically believe they are correct and the other person is wrong.  This is no better but could there be a healthy balance?

Either way, my desire is to trust myself and have confidence in my own thoughts and feelings and in turn stand up for myself when needed.  I think this has affected much of my life and probably started when my mom would make many of my decisions for me and I would just automatically default to her rather than thinking for myself.  I lost a lot of “thinking for myself” time and I believe this is why I have no confidence in my thoughts and decisions.  This also stopped me from doing a lot of analytical thinking and decision making.  These are seriously problems I deal with every single day.

Some of you may not understand where I am coming from and wonder how I can be this way.  But I bet there are a lot of people out there that feel as I do and are frustrated with themselves.  Probably the same people that read the blogs but never post. 

What action am I taking?  I bought the book “Raising Resilient Children” as suggested by Linda Moran in her blog and am going to read that for myself.  Maybe I will find techniques I can use with myself to help develop my love and confidence in myself.  If/when I do have children, I also want to be able to do this for them.

I feel like every time something good happens, something not good happens to counter balance that, then something good happens again.  And it just goes round and round like that.  I suppose that’s a good thing. :)  And bad is really a relative term.  So here’s what’s going on…

Yesterday I hit an old man with my car.  Okay, I don’t think I hit him, I think he pounded on my car to get me to stop backing up, but it was still terrible!  Then he came to the side of my car and opened my passenger door.  I was rolling the window down at the same time so he closed it and then yelled at me for not looking before I back up.  I apologized profusely and asked if he was okay and he just walked away in a huff.  Wow did I feel bad.  Unfortunately it was just before lunch and I proceeded to walk into the food court and order a big pile of french fries and fried chicken. 

So that was the bad thing.  The good thing was that I came to my office and closed my door and knew I wanted to scarf the whole thing down because I felt so terrible, but instead ate a bunch to satisfy my craving but stopped before I got overfull.  I knew what I was doing while I did it so I tried to calm down a bit, recognize why I was eating, and then make a decision to stop before I stuffed myself.

Then I cried. 

Whew, what an emotional day.  I managed to get through it though and with some semblance of my intuitive eating self.  I felt terrible but I was also angry that he put all his bad feelings on me.  I didn’t do it on purpose and felt terrible, apologized and asked if he was ok.  Unfortunately there isn’t much more I can do.  I did find out that he is a professor at the school I work at so I am worried I will see him again and he will recognize me and lay into me, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.  UGH!!

Another good thing, I measured myself this morning and it seems I have lost 3/4 of an inch around my waist.  I felt good about that.  I have been fighting the urge to tell myself “great!  You’ve lost a little and now you can eat whatever you want!” which will then lead to gaining it all back.  I have fallen into that trap MANY times.  It’s a weird trend although I’ve heard it from other people.  Again, the way to fight it is to acknowledge it and conciously try to fight that attitude.

Bad thing, I found out this morning that an old coworker of mine got promoted.  Great thing for her!  But I found myself feeling jealous of her.  Not because of the job, I don’t want that, but because of the money, respect and success she is receiving.  I decided the best way to fight that feeling is to accomplish some of my own goals so I feel successful and respected (and hopefully the money will follow). 

 Finally, I have had two realizations lately.  One is that being thin is very elusive to me.  I am surrounded by people that are not so the idea of it seems almost impossible.  I was watching a tv show (Frasier) with a very thin woman (Daphne) and found myself thinking, what would it be like to be around people who are normal eaters??  I can’t hardly imagine!  So resolving that will probably be one of the keys to my success. 

The other realization was…I can’t seem to remember right now but I’m sure I will think of it and post later.

I went to Taco Bell for lunch and got a tostada and burrito supreme.  Knowing myself and knowing that I only need one item to feel satisfied, I put the burrito right in the fridge for later and only at the tostada.  I’m still thinking about the burrito but now it’s something I can look forward to when I get hungry again.  I am taking care of myself by putting it away!

Thank you everyone for all of your comments!  I am trying to figure out the best way to respond.  Do you all normally just send an email back or do you go to the commenter’s site and comment back? 

Yesterday I had a good day.  I listened to my hunger and only ate then and didn’t overeat.  Food was not readily available to me so I think that helped.  I don’t feel worried that I won’t be able to eat (which I guess some people may feel?) so maybe I will try just not planning and going with the flow.  When I feel hungry, I will think of what I want and go get it.  If I can’t have it, I will find something to tide me over and then go have what I want.  I work at a university and the food court is right across the street so I can usually get something pretty close to what I want.

Mentally I feel much better, especially after having one good day.  Maybe I can domino it into a few good days, build up my  momentum and confidence again.  Also, I just got paid, woohoo!!!  So I am going to do a bit of shopping for clothes that are just my size!

Doh.  It was Thursday night.  I ate so much rice I thought I was going to bust!  I knew I was doing it but didn’t stop myself and felt so gross afterward.  It was terrible.  I’ve been feeling kind of down since although it hasn’t happened again.  I tried listening to my body over the weekend but I pretty much ate whenever I wanted even if I wasn’t hungry.  So, what’s going on?

I’ve been worried about my job.  I have to do a lot of networking and it makes me very nervous, that’s why I have to keep reminding myself that people are just people no matter what they look like or how much money they have.  I do fine during but I have to bottle up all the bad feelings in order to be normal during the schmoozing.  Then it all comes out when I am alone.  And it’s nonstop.  I have to do this every day.  Part of me wants to make myself because I am afraid of it but should I be working this hard to change something that seems basic about myself?  Maybe I should be pursuing a position that doesn’t require this since it brings up so many anxieties.  Or would that just be boring?

I’ve also been really annoyed with this girl I work with but I wonder if it isn’t partly because she does things I want to do but don’t.  Hmm….

One other thing about work.  My boss always goes to my counterpart and never to me.  He hired me and seems to like me but he is ALWAYS going to her.  I try to make myself relevant but I feel like I miss the mark sometimes and it backfires on me.  I think I have worked through this to some extent and just decided to make a difference where I can and leave the rest to work itself out.  That makes me feel better most of the time.

And I keep on rolling.  I am going to measure my waist tonight and post.  Maybe I’ll add a new picture, too.

On a good note, I rode my bike (carefully) to work today.  I couldn’t fit my tire in the lock so hopefully I will still have a front tire when I go home tonight

I tend to get really anxious when I think about wanting to lose weight and being frustrated that I haven’t already.  When this happens, I have been trying to tell myself “I strongly prefer to lose weight” rather than feeling like I NEED it right now.  I hope this becomes a habit, it really helps me keep perspective.

I have been tracking what I eat pretty closely for the past couple of days which I feel good about.  I am also noting my hunger level eat time I eat.  I’ve noticed that I don’t let myself get hungry, I will eat at a 4, 5, 6 and sometimes even a 7.  I’ve can’t figure out why I have been eating without waiting until I am hungry.  I think I’ll go read some forums and see if I can pinpoint something, maybe even post a question! 

I’ll be measuring my waist soon but don’t feel like I’ll be seeing any change.  That’s okay, though. 

This weekend I plan to organize, clean and purge my house!  I think my physical surroundings really affect my mental calmness and right now I have way too much stuff!  Far more than we need.  I am excited about it!

This was one of Roni’s questions of the week and I liked it so much I thought I would post it to my blog so I can remember and reread it often. 

I would say:

• People are nothing to be afraid of, they are just people. Enjoy new relationships, you have something to offer.
• You have value as a human being, not a human doing. You can’t fix anyone else’s life but your own. Everyone has to fix their own problems. Let go…
• Relax. It’s okay if you don’t get something you want. Things work out like they are supposed to and sometimes the greatest gift is an unanswered desire. Leaving things up to fate is so freeing.
• You have things to offer that nobody else does. You are extraordinary and deserve to be treated well by others and, most importantly, by you. Be kind and gentle with yourself if you make a mistake. Perfection is an unfair goal.
• Take risks. Don’t do what’s practical and safe all the time. Learn to play the drums, take an art class, explore the artistic side of yourself. Dream big and then go for it!

After writing this list I realized that these can be words for me now, today. Thanks for the thought provoking question, Roni!

If you don’t know, you probably aren’t.

Read the first chapter and right now I am going to do the following exercises:

Keep a chart of what I ate, the times which I ate and whether or not I was hungry before I ate.  This will be very hard for me but I understand that I can’t create a path for myself if I don’t know how I am behaving right now.  I gave a friend a tip for weight loss and suggested she look at her current diet and pare it down a bit so she could lose.  It sounded great when I told her that, now I need to take my own advice :)  Included in this will be rating my hunger on a scale of 1-10 which I’ve talked about before.

Don’t eat at my regular mealtimes for a day or tow and if I find that it helps me get in touch with my hunger, try to eating at my regular times for a week or longer.  I am pretty in touch with what my hunger feels like but I am going to watch myself for a few days and see if any patterns come up.  Also, pay close attention to what hunger feels like in my body.

When I am not hungry and still decide to eat, choose a food I ate that day when I was hungry and notice: (1)how the food tastes, (2)how the taste was different when I was hungry, (3)if I enjoy it as much as when I was hungry, (4)what, since it’s not hunger, am I feeling, (5)how I know when to stop eating.

This chapter also talks about fears that stop us from listening to our bodies.  Of the ones she mentions, one that rang true with me was When I am not hungry and good food is around, I feel that I am missing something very special if I don’t eat.  She suggests asking to take some home, asking for a recipe, going out tomorrow when I am hungry and getting the best of whatever food in town, and asking the person who made it over for dinner and having them make whatever food I was finding irresistable. 

I already know keeping a journal is going to be VERY hard for me.  I have failed at it many times in the past.  Usually I am good at it for one day or so and then quit when I feel “bad”.  But isn’t recording when you are “bad” the whole point?  I will try to be gentle but firm with myself.  I only have to do it for a little while.  I’ll check in each day and use a cute pad and colorful pen

I have been so busy lately, not only with work but with life, and needed a day off!  I called in today and just hung around the house, watched the view and a bunch of movies, and I feel so much better!  Even though having an active social life is fun, I definitely need some down time to recoup!  It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way because I’ve been living in a new city.  Plus it’s that TOM so I have been a little grouchy anyway.  I am happy that I recognized my needs and then did something to meet them. 

Haven’t been doing great with food but I’m trying to be patient with myself.  I have started rereading Breaking Free of Emotional Eating and I am going to track my thoughts and exercises here.

 Right now I am wearing really uncomfortable pants so I need to change, meeting more needs!  Yay! LOL

Okay, going to read first chapter…