I’ve moved my blog to: http://www.blogtolose.com/profile/TR

Today is the first day in 6 years that “him” and I have NOT spoken on the phone at least a couple of times a day. I’ve worn the flip out on my cell phone today checking for missed calls or text messages. This sucks the big one!

I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night last night with my heart racing, the nerve endings under my skin were all tingly, gasping for air and just a general feel of dread.

Just great.

 I did okay once I got to work today. I almost cried a couple of times but held the tears at bay, thank goodness. Why is it that I can only remember all the good times we had? There were several bad times to think about but now they seem so insignificant.

Strange.

Today I was trying to come up with a list of all the things he did to annoy me. I’m easily annoyed….and his list is long. Then on the flip side, I ticked off the things about him that I like. I didn’t write any of this down. I probably should, just to see it in print…see how that makes me feel.

Maybe tomorrow.

Today I thought a lot about how my original decision to ask him to move out had to do with outside influences. Like everyone, I bitched to my friends about “he did this, he said that…blah, blah, blah…” My friends were always telling me I should put him on the curb. I started to feel ashamed for staying with him. I worried about what everyone thought of me. Did they think less of me because they thought I was in a bad relationship? Sadly, those outside influences did have a lot of pull in my decision. Seeing how I was confused about what I wanted to do, they surely knew what was best for me. I did feel a lot of pressure to save face for all my bitching.

I’m sorry to say that I really am that shallow that I worry about what others think of the life I live. That is sad come to think of it.

I’m not blaming my friends for my decisions, I’m calling myself out for not doing my thinking for myself. I hate making decisions, I always feel like no matter what, I make the wrong one! So, taking others advice seems like the right thing for me.

Now, I’m not going to go crawling back to him to beg for a second chance. I want to take this silent time, one day at a time and see how my feeling about the whole thing unfold.

I worry that the person that I’m supposed to be with is getting away because I can’t speak and make decisions on my own. I worry that the person I’m supposed to be with is out there waiting on me while I’m pinning away from the wrong person.

Geezzzz…….

I guess the most important thing that I’ve come up with today is that it is very important to me to have someone to share my life with.

Stay tuned for day two.

You all may remember my issues with my ex/not ex boyfriend? Well, things finally came to an end this morning. I cut the cord that I had been holding on to for dear life. It’s D-U-N.

I can’t keep holding on to him just for my sense of security. It’s not fair to either one of us. He wants me to marry him and move to another town. I don’t want to move, I wasn’t happy when we were living together, and he couldn’t provide the emotional part of what I needed from him. Why did I hang on for so long? Because I was scared of the letting go. Letting go on anything is always the hardest thing to do. When you finally let go, you can be sure changes will follow. Changes can be scary.

Right now I’m feeling heartbroken, very sad and alone. I can’t see a future past today right now. I know things will be better in a couple of weeks, I’ve been through breakups before just like everyone else. This just opens things up for me to find somebody new right? I hope I’m doing the right thing. He agreed we can’t go on like this. He’s moving forward with his life and things are going good for him. It’s the first time since I’ve know him that things in his life really are falling into place. I’m happy for that.

I need to focus on my life and getting it moving forward again. I’ve been in limbo for a long time now.

My heart hurts so bad right now and I can’t stop crying. I guess it’s just best to get it all out now so I can pull myself together. I will be okay. I’m a pretty strong person but damn, this sure does hurt.

The sun is shinning here so I’m going to take Peppy J out for a walk at the park. I need to be outside in the sunlight to remind me that this isn’t the end of the world.

Thanks so much for listening and being a ‘virtual’ shoulder to cry on.

That’s exactly what I did too! It started with a Derby breakfast at work which I breezed through, btw. They had ham biscuits cut into quarters stuck on little toothpicks. I had 2 (which is really only 1/2 a ham biscuit) then I had fresh fruit. I was really proud of myself for that.

Then came lunch with a couple of my peeps. I got a spinach quesadilla and I ate a LOT of chips. Then later I had a Kashi granola bar. Then out of the blue, TOM shows up! Then I realized why I was craving “something” all of a sudden.

The night ended badly with the following items:

Wendy’s Spicy Chicken sandwich w/o mayo

Those 2 chocolate chip cookies that I had stored in my freezer

2 tablespoons of peanut butter, right out of the jar

1 Betty Crocker Mini Warm Delights

It wasn’t pretty, girly’s, it wasn’t pretty….but I’m okay. I will attempt to get back on track today. Life just happens that way sometimes, I not going to dwell on it.

Happy Derby Day Ya’ll!

-1.6 lbs

 I’m happy with my loss. I worked hard but did enjoy a cheat day, so it all worked out okay.

Happy Friday!

Nothing exciting been going on with me and everytime I log in to post something, it all seems so un-news worthy that I just don’t post anything! LOL

I’ve been staying on track with my eating, I have been exercising but it’s been only about 5 days out of the 7. I have been adding my AP point to my tracker and using them but somehow that makes me feel guilty. So, if I earn 3 points I will only give myself 2 points because I don’t feel like I deserve/need anything extra. Geez….the mind games I can play with myself is unreal! :-)~

I’m still not feeling very well, I stay tired all the time for no reason. I have a doctor’s appointment next Tuesday to get a physical and blood work done. I don’t have any faith in getting any resolution but I feel like I should go get checked out anyway. On the other hand, it would depressing for me to think that I’m always going to feel this way. I know I’m being whinny but I just feel like crap! LOL

-2 lbs.

I’m re-evaluating what I eat this coming week and I’m going to log it all into Spark People tracker too, just to keep track of calories. I’ve taken a couple of days off from exercising and I feel a great deal better today. I will be back to walking or working on the elliptical tonight.

Happy Friday!

I was thinking last night about something. If you plan out a meal that is the correct points for you but the volume is pretty big, isn’t that still overeating? I just feel like if I eat a large volume of food, even if it’s vegetables and my stomach is overly full….that means I’ve overdone it, right? I’m just throwing out thoughts here…

I walked for 40 minutes last night….didn’t think I was going to a make it, I was so tired. I’ve made an appointment with my doctor on May 6th, for a physical and blood work.

I may start posting my tracker on here everyday for awhile, just for feedback from you guys. I’m also going to start entering my food on Spark People just to see my calorie intake (just out of curiosity).

Tonight is weigh in. I’ve done well but who knows what the scale will report.

Oh, btw…..those two Micky D’s chocolate chip cookies are still in my freezer!

The Kashi pizza was YUM!! I did add on some extra roasted veggies that I had, as it was pretty skimpy on toppings. The thing that will lead me back to buy again is the crust. It’s about as thin as a saltine cracker and very crispy. I would rather buy a healthy pizza and throw on a few extra veggies than start from scratch…but that’s just me, I can be lazy! 1/3 of the pizza figures out to be 5 points.

This necessary evil called exercise….I think it’s kicking my butt. Seems like all the blogs I read, other people are doing 1-2 hrs a day in the gym and I can’t do near that before I’m exhausted! I thought I was supposed to feel more energetic and able to do more? I missed an opportunity to enjoy a nice walk on this beautiful evening and instead took a 20 minute power nap! How pathetic does THAT make me feel? I’m just tired. I feel like I could sleep for days! I thought loosing weight would make me feel like doing more but a lot of the time I feel run down. I always get about 8 good hours of sleep, so that’s not an issue.

It’s all a little frustrating at times as you all can understand. Trying to find that perfect balance of good food, taking in the right amount of points and excercise that will result in a loss get’s tough. Nobody can EVER say that getting healthy is easy. It’s hard but I do want it so I will continue on hoping for the moment when I get it just right and the feeling of sucess makes it all worth while!

 **I didn’t do any “official” exercising last night but I did push mow my lawn which took 40 minutes…and a lot of sass out of this old gurl!!

I worked out on my elliptical yesterday for 35 minutes! I’ve exercised for 5 straight days in a row. I will have to cut my grass tonight so I probably will just do some squats/lunges/crunches/hand weights.

I prepared a bunch of food yesterday for this weeks suppers. Roasted asparagus, peppers, zucchini, onions and chicken breast. I also brown a pound of 90% lean ground beef and cooked some brown rice. I have all my stuff packed in containers in my refrigerator just ready for me to use. Neat!

I picked up some of the new Sugar Free Dark Chocolate Jello Pudding cups from the store yesterday. Can you said YUM??? I love dark chocolate so these are sure to become my fav! I also run across a Kashi veggie pizza with whole wheat crust in the frozen food section! What a find! I read on somebody’s blog not too long ago about the Kashi pizza and finally found one! I’m going to try it tonight for supper. Maybe I will add a few extra roasted veggies on top if it looks skimpy. I will give you the full report on that tomorrow. So far, all the Kashi products that I’ve tried have been pretty darn good.

Happy Monday!